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surviving rebuilding after emotional affair
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 198508" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Hey Jennifer, I'm so sorry you've had this added stress dumped on your plate - this has been a stressful year for you. I do agree with Heather, in that you've always had to deal with trust issues with your SO, at least since you've posted here. That is very telling of the type of foundation you two have had from the beginning - perhaps one built of need? Or simple desire? It is difficult to say since we all enter into a relationship with our old baggage and expectations. Mind you, this is just my take, based on what I've read into your posts.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">It sounds like your man enjoys being needed...he likes to be the savior and the person a woman leans on. He wanted to be the big nice guy who enabled you to quit your work and stay home to care for your difficult child - which is nice, I'm not saying it's not nice...but you were not the only one getting a need fullfilled in that scenario, he was also (his ego). He was being the nice guy, the fixer of a problem, the big man, and he put you into a position where you were leaning on him and becoming dependent on him.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">In the interim, your focus was shifting more and more onto difficult child, perhaps leaving him feeling a bit left out and as things things fell into a routine at home, besides his being the sole supporter at home, he felt less needed by you...enter coworker girl with mad crush.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">She fulfills this need of his to be the savior, the needed one, the fixer of things...her life is such a mess, she cries on his shoulder, etc. She eventually falls for him, he is flattered by her wanting him. They eventually move into a place where they are fulfilling an emotional need with one another. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Remember, most people believe that emotional needs are the backbone of the healthiest relationships out there. Sex is sex and that's great, but without the emotional needs being met, physical needs eventually go unmet. There is always something else to fill up the space where there used to be emotional and physical connection.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Personally, and this is just my opinion (based on my own experiences), I highly doubt that SO's relationship with that woman has not been physical in any way. They may not have had intercourse in the true definition, but it is highly unlikely that after 7 months of being emotionally connected that there was no physicality as well - especially when you consider the types of gifts involved (BOXERS?!). </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I totally and completely understand your desire to keep things calm for the benefit of the kiddos. That's why you should most definitely get into counseling - FOR YOU. If SO makes the effort, fantastic. But if his interest in counseling fades, for whatever reason, you continue to go. You need to go. You need some strength and clarity on your end. SO may start saying stuff like, "I hate going because every time we go all we talk about is what a scummer I am or how I mess everything up, etc.". That's hogwash. In order for the two of you to heal and grow from this, you both have to be willing to accept some responsibility in how you got here in the first place. I hate to sound cliche, but it takes two to make or break a relationship. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">No one can tell you the right thing for you to do - only you know exactly what you're feeling, how things went down, what you're willing to accept as your responsibility, and what you're willing to do to change your circumstances. What is right for me or anyone else, may not be right for you. Listen to your heart and your gut and go with it.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">So hugs and good luck. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 198508, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Hey Jennifer, I'm so sorry you've had this added stress dumped on your plate - this has been a stressful year for you. I do agree with Heather, in that you've always had to deal with trust issues with your SO, at least since you've posted here. That is very telling of the type of foundation you two have had from the beginning - perhaps one built of need? Or simple desire? It is difficult to say since we all enter into a relationship with our old baggage and expectations. Mind you, this is just my take, based on what I've read into your posts.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]It sounds like your man enjoys being needed...he likes to be the savior and the person a woman leans on. He wanted to be the big nice guy who enabled you to quit your work and stay home to care for your difficult child - which is nice, I'm not saying it's not nice...but you were not the only one getting a need fullfilled in that scenario, he was also (his ego). He was being the nice guy, the fixer of a problem, the big man, and he put you into a position where you were leaning on him and becoming dependent on him.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]In the interim, your focus was shifting more and more onto difficult child, perhaps leaving him feeling a bit left out and as things things fell into a routine at home, besides his being the sole supporter at home, he felt less needed by you...enter coworker girl with mad crush.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]She fulfills this need of his to be the savior, the needed one, the fixer of things...her life is such a mess, she cries on his shoulder, etc. She eventually falls for him, he is flattered by her wanting him. They eventually move into a place where they are fulfilling an emotional need with one another. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Remember, most people believe that emotional needs are the backbone of the healthiest relationships out there. Sex is sex and that's great, but without the emotional needs being met, physical needs eventually go unmet. There is always something else to fill up the space where there used to be emotional and physical connection.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Personally, and this is just my opinion (based on my own experiences), I highly doubt that SO's relationship with that woman has not been physical in any way. They may not have had intercourse in the true definition, but it is highly unlikely that after 7 months of being emotionally connected that there was no physicality as well - especially when you consider the types of gifts involved (BOXERS?!). [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I totally and completely understand your desire to keep things calm for the benefit of the kiddos. That's why you should most definitely get into counseling - FOR YOU. If SO makes the effort, fantastic. But if his interest in counseling fades, for whatever reason, you continue to go. You need to go. You need some strength and clarity on your end. SO may start saying stuff like, "I hate going because every time we go all we talk about is what a scummer I am or how I mess everything up, etc.". That's hogwash. In order for the two of you to heal and grow from this, you both have to be willing to accept some responsibility in how you got here in the first place. I hate to sound cliche, but it takes two to make or break a relationship. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]No one can tell you the right thing for you to do - only you know exactly what you're feeling, how things went down, what you're willing to accept as your responsibility, and what you're willing to do to change your circumstances. What is right for me or anyone else, may not be right for you. Listen to your heart and your gut and go with it.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]So hugs and good luck. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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