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surviving rebuilding after emotional affair
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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 198524" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>Jennifer, I hate to say it but I completely agree with JoG on this point. The odds are <em>extremely</em> slim that this was purely an 'emotional' relationship that never got physical! Especially if it went on that long ... rather, he <em>allowed</em> it to go on that long. Contrary to even what <em>I</em> say sometimes, men are not that stupid. Any man who allows it to escalate from just discussing her problems to her showing up where he works, taking her home, love notes and boxers for Christmas ... he knows exactly where it is going. And him lying about it is a really bad sign. And he didn't exactly come to you guilty-ridden and 'fess up, did he? You found the evidence and confronted him? He would have had to to be virtually brain dead to <em>not</em> know she was after him and should have put a stop to it at the beginning, but he chose not to. And if he's taken her home, chances are that he has gone inside her house. And if he went inside, chances are that they had sex. That's just the way it is. And when a man (or woman, for that matter) lies, once that barrier has been crossed, it just gets easier and easier to continue to lie. It's been my experience that what you actually find out is usually just the tip of the iceburg.</p><p> </p><p>I don't mean to sound bitter and I don't want to be hurtful to you, but I've been there done that - twice - and a lot of this sounds very, very familiar. I've heard several variations of the old 'helping her with her problems' story. At first, it makes them sound almost heroic, but it can become a convenient excuse too. And more than one woman has used this trick to try to engage a man and keep him entangled and feeling 'obligated'.</p><p> </p><p>I'm a firm believer that a persons past behavior is the greatest indicator of their future behavior. Has there <em>ever</em> been a time that you felt that you could completely trust him? Has he been very trustworthy in the past and this is a <em>new</em> behavior for him? A bump in the road? I've been through some really bad times in the past and have been hurt more times than I can count. And as a result, I, too, am a very untrusting person. And once someone has lied to me - even once - it's very difficult if not impossible for me to ever completely trust them again. I actually once heard, <em>"Well, I SAID I was sorry! Why are you still upset? What else can I do!"</em> They just don't get it! For me, it would take a <em>full</em> disclosure, a <em>full</em> understanding of just how much his actions had hurt me, and a sincere desire to make things better. That followed by years and years of never once crossing that line and never again giving me reason to doubt ... and then maybe, just maybe I could begin to tentatively trust again. </p><p> </p><p>When it all comes down to it, you are the only one who can make this decision. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with and what you can't. But please don't sell yourself short. You deserve much, much better than this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 198524, member: 1883"] Jennifer, I hate to say it but I completely agree with JoG on this point. The odds are [I]extremely[/I] slim that this was purely an 'emotional' relationship that never got physical! Especially if it went on that long ... rather, he [I]allowed[/I] it to go on that long. Contrary to even what [I]I[/I] say sometimes, men are not that stupid. Any man who allows it to escalate from just discussing her problems to her showing up where he works, taking her home, love notes and boxers for Christmas ... he knows exactly where it is going. And him lying about it is a really bad sign. And he didn't exactly come to you guilty-ridden and 'fess up, did he? You found the evidence and confronted him? He would have had to to be virtually brain dead to [I]not[/I] know she was after him and should have put a stop to it at the beginning, but he chose not to. And if he's taken her home, chances are that he has gone inside her house. And if he went inside, chances are that they had sex. That's just the way it is. And when a man (or woman, for that matter) lies, once that barrier has been crossed, it just gets easier and easier to continue to lie. It's been my experience that what you actually find out is usually just the tip of the iceburg. I don't mean to sound bitter and I don't want to be hurtful to you, but I've been there done that - twice - and a lot of this sounds very, very familiar. I've heard several variations of the old 'helping her with her problems' story. At first, it makes them sound almost heroic, but it can become a convenient excuse too. And more than one woman has used this trick to try to engage a man and keep him entangled and feeling 'obligated'. I'm a firm believer that a persons past behavior is the greatest indicator of their future behavior. Has there [I]ever[/I] been a time that you felt that you could completely trust him? Has he been very trustworthy in the past and this is a [I]new[/I] behavior for him? A bump in the road? I've been through some really bad times in the past and have been hurt more times than I can count. And as a result, I, too, am a very untrusting person. And once someone has lied to me - even once - it's very difficult if not impossible for me to ever completely trust them again. I actually once heard, [I]"Well, I SAID I was sorry! Why are you still upset? What else can I do!"[/I] They just don't get it! For me, it would take a [I]full[/I] disclosure, a [I]full[/I] understanding of just how much his actions had hurt me, and a sincere desire to make things better. That followed by years and years of never once crossing that line and never again giving me reason to doubt ... and then maybe, just maybe I could begin to tentatively trust again. When it all comes down to it, you are the only one who can make this decision. You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to live with and what you can't. But please don't sell yourself short. You deserve much, much better than this. [/QUOTE]
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