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surviving rebuilding after emotional affair
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 201028" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Not so much 'insightful' at all. I married a rescuer. He's a wonderful man, but not without his own warts (just like me).</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Our trick was to figure out if our marriage/relationship was a strong enough foundation to withstand all of life's pitfalls. We had our committment to one another tested and came out the other side. We renewed our private vows to one another. We gave it another go. Because H had always seemed so strong, like such a manly man, I couldn't see his vulnerabilities and weaknesses unless they were directly related to me and hurt me. I needed to learn acceptance...and H needed to make a very strong promise of committment and renew his loyalty to me. We aren't done doing those things yet. I don't think a marriage is ever 'done' - I think it's a lifetime of effort and you never quite arrive...you just keep learning and growing, if you're with the right person. We've both done enough for us to know ours is worth working at and sticking with. I needed to appreciate him more and he needed to be more expressive and vulnerable in front of me. He never wanted me to see that he was needy or weak or scared or stressed. It always came out either in anger or in unacceptable behaviors.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">No one can know exactly which skeletons in each of your closets are the problems affecting you today, Jennifer, but each of you knows which ones you will allow to interfere with your relationship. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">It's very easy for those of us who have been there and done that to tell you that you can do it, you are strong and how what has happened in our lives can be used as your guide. But ultimately, only you know what you need to do, what you're capable of and in your own time. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">About a year before I left my exh, my sister and I were talking long distance and she said, "Just leave" and I asked, "But where will I go, what about all my stuff?" and she said, "When you're ready, nothing else except getting out will matter to you" and we never spoke of it again. A year later, as I was taking my boxes of clothes from the house, I realized that she was so right. I left with my clothes, my girls, my bed and my stereo. I didn't even take a fork or my baking pans, no dresser, no furniture, no nothing. I left with nothing but myself, my daughters and my dignity. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">When you're at that point, you will know. In the meantime, remember to take time out for yourself and be true. Hugs~</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 201028, member: 2211"] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Not so much 'insightful' at all. I married a rescuer. He's a wonderful man, but not without his own warts (just like me).[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Our trick was to figure out if our marriage/relationship was a strong enough foundation to withstand all of life's pitfalls. We had our committment to one another tested and came out the other side. We renewed our private vows to one another. We gave it another go. Because H had always seemed so strong, like such a manly man, I couldn't see his vulnerabilities and weaknesses unless they were directly related to me and hurt me. I needed to learn acceptance...and H needed to make a very strong promise of committment and renew his loyalty to me. We aren't done doing those things yet. I don't think a marriage is ever 'done' - I think it's a lifetime of effort and you never quite arrive...you just keep learning and growing, if you're with the right person. We've both done enough for us to know ours is worth working at and sticking with. I needed to appreciate him more and he needed to be more expressive and vulnerable in front of me. He never wanted me to see that he was needy or weak or scared or stressed. It always came out either in anger or in unacceptable behaviors.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]No one can know exactly which skeletons in each of your closets are the problems affecting you today, Jennifer, but each of you knows which ones you will allow to interfere with your relationship. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]It's very easy for those of us who have been there and done that to tell you that you can do it, you are strong and how what has happened in our lives can be used as your guide. But ultimately, only you know what you need to do, what you're capable of and in your own time. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]About a year before I left my exh, my sister and I were talking long distance and she said, "Just leave" and I asked, "But where will I go, what about all my stuff?" and she said, "When you're ready, nothing else except getting out will matter to you" and we never spoke of it again. A year later, as I was taking my boxes of clothes from the house, I realized that she was so right. I left with my clothes, my girls, my bed and my stereo. I didn't even take a fork or my baking pans, no dresser, no furniture, no nothing. I left with nothing but myself, my daughters and my dignity. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]When you're at that point, you will know. In the meantime, remember to take time out for yourself and be true. Hugs~[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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