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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 156683" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. The others have already given you some good advice. It saves me having to say the same thing.</p><p></p><p>A couple of things to add - first, dump the guilt. You don't need it, it's not relevant or appropriate, it will only slow you down. In fact, dump blame entirely. Same reasons. (and guilt is only blame, turned inwards).</p><p></p><p>This isn't about what you did wrong, or deserve or don't deserve. Remember what John Lennon said (in "Beautiful Boy") - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."</p><p></p><p>This is about where you go from here, what you do from here to help her.</p><p></p><p>First, has she been thoroughly assessed? If so, when? If it was a while ago, she may need to be re-evaluated. Certainly, you (and she) need help. The school also needs help. Without a confirmed diagnosis (or paperwork attesting to the same) they can only treat her as any other child, but one who is capable of controlling her impulses and making considered decisions. And I think to apply those standards to a kid who can't cope, is unfair. That's why there are support systems available. But to access them you need to formally ask for them. And you also need certificates, letters etc from doctors confirming the diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>Once you have some level of official support in place, the school can handle things differently. For more info on how, check out the Special Education forum.</p><p></p><p>Some parents don't like getting the diagnosis etc all wrapped up in paperwork because it 'labels' their child and this can set her up for being targeted as different. The trouble here is, she's already a target and seen as a problem. There is nothing more you could do to make this worse, but a lot that could be done to make it better.</p><p></p><p>Where appropriate, medications do help. But the longer she struggles without them, the more resentful and angry she will be, with everyone expecting things from her she just can't manage without a lot more effort than she can sustain.</p><p></p><p>This can improve. This can be very different. There are other ways to manage, different viewpoints and different techniques. The thing to hold on to - if something is working, use it. If something is not working, dump it. There is no point punishing for something she can't help or can't change - it's like punishing Helen Keller for being blind.</p><p></p><p>If you can get inside her head and work out how she is feeling and what she may be thinking, it might make it easier to find ways to help her. </p><p></p><p>Do check out Special Education - there are ideas there and ways of helping that you may not be aware of.</p><p></p><p>Again, welcome!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 156683, member: 1991"] Welcome. The others have already given you some good advice. It saves me having to say the same thing. A couple of things to add - first, dump the guilt. You don't need it, it's not relevant or appropriate, it will only slow you down. In fact, dump blame entirely. Same reasons. (and guilt is only blame, turned inwards). This isn't about what you did wrong, or deserve or don't deserve. Remember what John Lennon said (in "Beautiful Boy") - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." This is about where you go from here, what you do from here to help her. First, has she been thoroughly assessed? If so, when? If it was a while ago, she may need to be re-evaluated. Certainly, you (and she) need help. The school also needs help. Without a confirmed diagnosis (or paperwork attesting to the same) they can only treat her as any other child, but one who is capable of controlling her impulses and making considered decisions. And I think to apply those standards to a kid who can't cope, is unfair. That's why there are support systems available. But to access them you need to formally ask for them. And you also need certificates, letters etc from doctors confirming the diagnosis. Once you have some level of official support in place, the school can handle things differently. For more info on how, check out the Special Education forum. Some parents don't like getting the diagnosis etc all wrapped up in paperwork because it 'labels' their child and this can set her up for being targeted as different. The trouble here is, she's already a target and seen as a problem. There is nothing more you could do to make this worse, but a lot that could be done to make it better. Where appropriate, medications do help. But the longer she struggles without them, the more resentful and angry she will be, with everyone expecting things from her she just can't manage without a lot more effort than she can sustain. This can improve. This can be very different. There are other ways to manage, different viewpoints and different techniques. The thing to hold on to - if something is working, use it. If something is not working, dump it. There is no point punishing for something she can't help or can't change - it's like punishing Helen Keller for being blind. If you can get inside her head and work out how she is feeling and what she may be thinking, it might make it easier to find ways to help her. Do check out Special Education - there are ideas there and ways of helping that you may not be aware of. Again, welcome! Marg [/QUOTE]
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