Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child very upset. 5 day suspension. Too many call offs. He's very upset.

    He hates his job. A lot. He hates the 7 am start. Would he ask t hem for afternoons? Oh nooo....I had suggested t hat he get the employment counselor involved weeks ago. Is extremely depressed in AM then mood brightens as the day goes on. This was addressed at last doctor appointment. medications are being titrate d.

    Spoke to his caseworker and seeing MD in AM.

    Very tired of him and his issues.
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. It is hard.

    It is hard for them, but it is also hard for us. And so very, very frustrating.

  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yes. Thanks, you're so sweet.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hang in there Daze. They are the only ones who can fix their problems.

    Your post made me think of some things Difficult Child was saying the other day.

    "I'm so tired. I need to get off this shift and get a day job. I'm so tired of just working and sleeping. I hate working nights."

    (He goes in at 3:30 pm and gets off at 2 am six days a week.)

    I said: "why don't you look for another job?"

    He shrugged.

    Okay, stand back, Momma, I said to myself. He's the only one who can change this.

    And, I don't want to hear his griping about it, because I get engaged, even if it's just in my head...often it starts coming out of my mouth unless I can physically separate.

    Ugh. We can't be "normal" with them.

    Keep us posted. We are here for you. We get it.
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  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am standing back. I am trying to detach. But tonight , I am a mess.

    Thank God, he has been communicating with his dad, as I am burnt out. He called in once a gain for his 7 am shift, and he is anxious and depressed. Even though he gave them a letter from M D and requested later shift . Apparently not advocating for himself.

    Husband took the call and seemed to handle it well. Considering that his 94 year old father is recuperating from a terrible accident. His dad has a spinal cord injury from an accident sustained on a bus. Grandpa is wheelchair bound and was not strapped in properly.His dad is in terrible pain.

    I just can't deal with him anymore. He has the best of resources. He sees caseworker once a week. I take him to highly regarded University of Chicago psychiatrist once a month. He is supposed to make appointment with another therapist. He says that he is medication compliant. He is sober, and works a program, has a sponsor and goes to meetings.

    I have a 28 year old son who it seems will never be self sufficient. I am in despair.
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    We can't know their future. It won't stay the same, daze, that much we do know.

    They may stumble through the rest of their lives. Yes they may. I think a lot of people stumble through their lives and can't quite make things happen for whatever reason.

    So...okay. It is what it is.

    But what about us? What do we do with that, if that is what is to be?

    We live our own lives and maintain boundaries so we aren't in the middle of it all. I don't know about you, but I don't want to know all of the ins and outs. I am not your mommy anymore. You are a grown man with a grown man's responsibilities.

    I have to have physical distance daze. I can't talk to, text or see my Difficult Child too much. If I do, I engage too much and that isn't good for him or for me. It may not ever be "normal" with them. We may always have to be guarded and think about what we do and say with them.

    Or not. We can't know the future. All we can do is work on ourselves daze.

    Feel what you are feeling and let some time pass. Get back to level ground and then start the work on you anew.

    Read, write, meditate, make good plans for your life.

    we can do this daze.

    Warm hugs
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, I am reading along too. Sending you big hugs.

    Burn out is a real thing. It requires care. All the care you've devoted to your son for oh so long now needs to be directed at YOU. The balance point has tipped over to the wrong side, it has to go back to YOU. You must fill yourself up now with nourishment for the soul, whatever that means to you.

    My self maintenance schedule is now full, where it used to be empty. I realized that the never ending out put was no where near the input and it was up to me to balance that out. If you're depleted and burned out, it's so important to put energy back into yourself. One important thing that works on many levels for me, especially in bringing peace and relaxation back in to my body and mind is acupuncture. It helps a lot. Massage, yoga, tai chi, reflexology, meditation, walking, laughing.......IAD, put your efforts into yourself now. Find those things that bring back that balance and bring you peace, rest and joy. We get so caught up in the care of our difficult children that we lose ourselves in the process. Start today, go get a manicure and/or pedicure and just let go of it all for awhile.

    You're involved in a situation that is a long haul, so learning how to keep that balance of self care and the care for others is in my opinion, the priority.

    xoxoxox and more hugs.......
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks to both of you for your support.

    We spoke to our son. We encouraged him to talk to manager about the accommodation which was a later start time and to get the employment counselor at the social service agency involved.

    I asked him again. Are u taking your medications? Are u staying sober and working the program? Yes to both. I tend to believe him.

    His sister will pick him up from work tomorrow and they will come down here so they can visit their grandfather.

    I am trying to take care of myself as best I can. Thank God for my husband. He is a gem. He is so good with my son.
  9. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    It's so good that he has a clear path, Daze. It is hard when there appears to be a path and suddenly you realize that they are not on that path. Hardest of all, for me, is when I see that they were actually never on it. Here's hoping he stays on the path.
  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Try. I sure hope he stays on the path...

    So he went in today and they suspended him for another 4 days. He didn't call in 1 hour before his shift, so that was the reason for the suspension, supposedly.

    He called my husband. He said he didn't want to tell me because I get so upset. He told him he went to the health club, went to the library to update his resume, and now he's looking for something to do so he doesn't get too depressed.

    I don't get it. He was going to work every day in the dead of winter. It was like 10 below here in Chicago every day, and he was going. And now he's not. Are we missing something here? I'm emailing the psychiatrist. His caseworker thinks everything is on the up and up. Saw him Sunday and he looked and sounded good.

    Although he really does hate his job.

    I'm a little upset, but not too bad. Not as upset as last week. I guess I'm getting immune to this stuff.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's easier for people with challenges to handle routine. So, as long as he was going to work "every day", he kept going to work every day. When the cycle got broken, the new cycle is not geared toward work... so it's hard to follow all the rules and make work, "work". At least, that would be my guess.

    Yes, include the psychiatrist, caseworker and anyone else involved.
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  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It's also difficult if one hates the job of has an adversary fhere
  13. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yes. I'm calling the caseworker too today.

    And there is a woman there who bullies him at his every move, writes him up for chewing gum, complains he's too slow, etc. This person is not his supervisor. Another reason he hates to go in. Although the later shift is more tolerable.

    I told him again...I texted him. U need to get the employment counselor involved. You need to level with them. You are protected under the ADA. He's not good at advocating for himself.

    I think he's ignoring my texts. Now he prefers to talk to husband. Mine are mostly business (meet me here, make that appointment, send me payroll etc.) Maybe because he knows I take it hard when he screws up. And I try to stay calm, but he is good at picking up every little nuance and inflection in my voice. I don't mind that he's not communicating but it is so annoying when I need to know something.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry that your son has to deal with that 'mean girl'. She is the type that will pick on someone vulnerable, someone that wont/doesn't know how to defend themselves. These types think it is fun to pick on people. And they often kiss up to their superiors so that the victim is further isolated from help.

    I hope you can help him through the caseworker.

    Let us know how it goes.

  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Apple. He seems to attract these types at work.

    He finally made appointment with a therapist. He says he realizes now that he needs to start working on his issues. We'll see.
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  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Vulnerable people tend to get social circles, in family, at is really a shame. It makes me feel that people have good parts and really BAD parts too. I have been victomized in large groups so I stick to small groups/smaller work places too.
    I wish things to get better for your dear son. It truly is not his fault he attracts bullies like a magnet. They just seem to have radar for whom they can hurt. It actually says more about them than your son. Yet your son is the one hurt. Tell him to try to stay away from her. It's hard sometimes as sometimes they tend to follow you.

    Therapy may be able to help him see his part in the bad job experience. Some of our kids honestly do not understand the big deal about being on time, that they let everyone down when they are late. And few people like their first jobs. They are mundane and boring, but they generate money$$$!!! and can lead to better things in the future.
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  17. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    COM, I nearly highlighted and quoted your entire post, since it is so very true. I don't want to know everything. I don't want to be the place where you vomit up every unpleasant thing that happened to you. HOnestly, in the world of texting, that happens in our other relationships too. I was just getting my hair cut and my hairdresser got a txt from her SO that said "I effing hate my job." SHe looked at that, then at me, and said..."what am I supposed to do with that?"

    We've all forgotten normal boundaries, normal processing. It isn't just our Difficult Child's, althought it is true with them as well, and as COM points out, we may always have to keep a guard with them.

    So critically important, RE.. "It was up to me to balance that out." Like our Difficult Child's, many of us sort of wait, childlike, for some one to step in, see how hard we are trying and how hard we are working, and fix it for us. Sadly..that won't happen. Our power, our capacity for joy, lies in ourselves and in ourselves only.

    My SO says "I never have any fun. I don't go to the beach anymore. I would like to play tennis but have not one to play with." And I run around and call his friends for dinner dates and make reservations for tennis and invite a third in case they take to each other and txt his sister about whether we can visit her at the beach...but WAIT...was there something on that list he couldn't have done for himself?


    That is my SO, a healthy, strong, independant guy I didn't meet till I was 50. Imagine the crazy we invoke with our own children.

    And the funny thing is? He didn't want it the way I set it up. He will be better when he sets it up himself.

    I learned that in my 50's, for myself. What I like, what I need, how to get there from here. Not so much acupuncture, but time outside, time in the sun, gardens, flowers, water, markets, my dog. A good strange foreign country where I don't speak the language and my comfort level is exceeded. The company of my siblings. These things keep me whole. Finding the balance lies in ourselves.

    Hugs to all today.

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