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Teacher refused to allow aide to redirect difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 203590" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>This is happening in MONTESSORI?? That is bizarre.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I'd be calling another Planning Team meeting ASAP and at the same time keeping difficult child home from school (with schoolwork at home, of course) while this woman is likely to be his primary teacher. She is making things as worse as could be imagined by treating the interactions as a battle and conflict instead of an opportunity to help this child learn. By constantly nitpicking like this and setting up an escalation, she is NOT helping.</p><p></p><p>Kudos to difficult child for staying in control.</p><p></p><p>Also, the trachers' language/behaviour on your arrival concerns me. She never really gave you specifics, did she? Instead, she kept harping on about his "choices" without saying what the bad choices were, specifically. She didn't give a good enough explanation as to why the aide was not permitted to do her job. ANd then her attitude to you - "take him home, you'll probably have a good evening" and that she "had got it worked out of him for now".</p><p></p><p>The description of events - he wasn't sitting properly (whatever that means), he needed to be taken to his quiet place but the teacher prevented, difficult child got mouthy (but did not throw chairs) and so this needed further punishment - I have a strict policy here; if difficult child's behaviour is escalating as a result of what I'm trying to do to discipline previous behaviour, I do not punish the escalation. You can't punish a kid for reacting to your own bad choices! OK, you don't have to accept bad behaviour either, but at least recognise your own (or the teacher's own, in this case) role in the escalation.</p><p></p><p>We had a situation like this with difficult child 3, in his last week of mainstream (it was one of the triggers for us removing him - because it indicated that the problems were not going to go away, with teachers not understanding him). difficult child 3 had been told by his class teacher to put his Communication Book on the teacher's desk (first mistake - they should never have made the child responsible in any way for the Communication Book). Then in the absence of class teacher, Teacher 2 took charge to march the students to the school hall. difficult child 3 said to Teacher 2, "But I have to put this book on Main Teacher's desk!"</p><p>Teacher 2 said. "No, you must now go to the hall."</p><p>difficult child 3 had two conflicting instructions in his head. The sensible thing to do should have been to let him complete task 1, then he would have been compliant with task 2.</p><p>Instead, by forcing her own will, Teacher 2 triggered a major meltdown which ended with the students having to wait outside the school hall where difficult child 3 was throwing chairs.</p><p>To their credit, difficult child 3 was not punished for the escalation because the principal and class teacher (when they were finally summoned) recognised that the escalation was triggered by Teacher 2 not allowing difficult child 3 to comply with instructions given him by Class Teacher.</p><p>With any other child with no similar problems, this would have led to suspension. In difficult child 3's case the school was understanding and also explained to the rest of the staff what to do in the event of future problems of a similar nature. Everything that school was doing, was focussed on dealing with the primary problem and not getting into issues of escalation. I wish we'd been able to keep him there - but there were too many reasons to pull him out. Separate issue.</p><p></p><p>I suggest you put in place a Ross Greene Basket list for this teacher, in her dealings with difficult child 3. At the Learning Team meeting, ask her what behaviours she feels MUST be tackled even at risk of triggering a meltdown (Basket A). Then ask her for a list of behaviours you want to work on but will back away from a meltdown if one is looming as a result (Basket B). Then the list of behaviours she is willing to ignore for now (Basket C).</p><p>I'm betting - she will have a HUGE Basket A list and empty Basket C, probably empty Basket B. Because "with these problem kids, you have to teach them who's boss, you can't let them get away with ANY disrespect or you lose the respect of the other kids."</p><p>She will be in shock when she discovers that this works best through Basket B, and in keeping it manageable. Basket A is for emergencies only, if the classroom is on fire you will risk a meltdown to grab the kid and toss him out the window to safety if necessary, work out the consequences later. Basket B, kept not too full, is where the spadework is done. To disrupt the rest of the class over a kid "not sitting right" when at least he wasn't throwing chairs, calling out or swearing at her, was kind of stupid and asking for trouble. To not allow the aide to remove him - it was about power. "I'm the boss, not the aide. You will put up with my face staring at you, you cannot use your disability to hide behind and sneak away for fun and games just because I have challenged you, you little snot."</p><p></p><p>The teacher needs to realise that VERY quickly, her behaviour as it eventuated will lose her respect of the other students faster than almost anything else. Maybe if she had had a fit of hysterics in front of the class, coupled with sitting on the floor rocking, the class could have lost respect for her faster. But kids do not respect teachers who use their position of power to control. </p><p></p><p>When I look back at my schooling, the teachers who stick out in my mind as good teachers who I respected, were the ones who taught well. The students chose to behave better (and to control the worst students ourselves if they misbehaved) because we valued these teachers. They kept us interested, they RESPECTED us and genuinely wanted to help us. It wasn't the shouters, the belittlers, the demeaners that we valued. Even the strict disciplinarians were valued, as long as they respected us. We therefore respected them. But the teacher is the adult, they need to do this first.</p><p></p><p>I remember bad students, who disliked and disrespected the teachers on principle because they were teachers. They still had little to complain about, in the good teachers and had little opportunity to misbehave. Often the difficult students would be in the minority and would find themselves ostracised by a class of kids who didn't like to see a favoured teacher disrespected.</p><p></p><p>But the teacher you describe - unless your son was really being a major problem before she did anything, I doubt her actions have earned her (or saved her) any respect from other kids. And without that respect, her efficiency as a teacher is now much less.</p><p></p><p>I also use the Ross Greene methods myself, on teachers and schools. It works. I think about what I am prepared to push for with the school, even at risk of triggering a meltdown from them. And I then have a small list of what things I want the school to change, but I won't push them to meltdown point if I can avoid it. I will also work with them where possible to facilitate them giving me what I want.</p><p>And again, I have my "Basket C" with what I want from the school. A no-uniform policy is in Basket C, because it doesn't seem to make any difference to how they teach my child. I have higher priorities.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. She doesn't sound like Montessori material to me.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 203590, member: 1991"] This is happening in MONTESSORI?? That is bizarre. Personally, I'd be calling another Planning Team meeting ASAP and at the same time keeping difficult child home from school (with schoolwork at home, of course) while this woman is likely to be his primary teacher. She is making things as worse as could be imagined by treating the interactions as a battle and conflict instead of an opportunity to help this child learn. By constantly nitpicking like this and setting up an escalation, she is NOT helping. Kudos to difficult child for staying in control. Also, the trachers' language/behaviour on your arrival concerns me. She never really gave you specifics, did she? Instead, she kept harping on about his "choices" without saying what the bad choices were, specifically. She didn't give a good enough explanation as to why the aide was not permitted to do her job. ANd then her attitude to you - "take him home, you'll probably have a good evening" and that she "had got it worked out of him for now". The description of events - he wasn't sitting properly (whatever that means), he needed to be taken to his quiet place but the teacher prevented, difficult child got mouthy (but did not throw chairs) and so this needed further punishment - I have a strict policy here; if difficult child's behaviour is escalating as a result of what I'm trying to do to discipline previous behaviour, I do not punish the escalation. You can't punish a kid for reacting to your own bad choices! OK, you don't have to accept bad behaviour either, but at least recognise your own (or the teacher's own, in this case) role in the escalation. We had a situation like this with difficult child 3, in his last week of mainstream (it was one of the triggers for us removing him - because it indicated that the problems were not going to go away, with teachers not understanding him). difficult child 3 had been told by his class teacher to put his Communication Book on the teacher's desk (first mistake - they should never have made the child responsible in any way for the Communication Book). Then in the absence of class teacher, Teacher 2 took charge to march the students to the school hall. difficult child 3 said to Teacher 2, "But I have to put this book on Main Teacher's desk!" Teacher 2 said. "No, you must now go to the hall." difficult child 3 had two conflicting instructions in his head. The sensible thing to do should have been to let him complete task 1, then he would have been compliant with task 2. Instead, by forcing her own will, Teacher 2 triggered a major meltdown which ended with the students having to wait outside the school hall where difficult child 3 was throwing chairs. To their credit, difficult child 3 was not punished for the escalation because the principal and class teacher (when they were finally summoned) recognised that the escalation was triggered by Teacher 2 not allowing difficult child 3 to comply with instructions given him by Class Teacher. With any other child with no similar problems, this would have led to suspension. In difficult child 3's case the school was understanding and also explained to the rest of the staff what to do in the event of future problems of a similar nature. Everything that school was doing, was focussed on dealing with the primary problem and not getting into issues of escalation. I wish we'd been able to keep him there - but there were too many reasons to pull him out. Separate issue. I suggest you put in place a Ross Greene Basket list for this teacher, in her dealings with difficult child 3. At the Learning Team meeting, ask her what behaviours she feels MUST be tackled even at risk of triggering a meltdown (Basket A). Then ask her for a list of behaviours you want to work on but will back away from a meltdown if one is looming as a result (Basket B). Then the list of behaviours she is willing to ignore for now (Basket C). I'm betting - she will have a HUGE Basket A list and empty Basket C, probably empty Basket B. Because "with these problem kids, you have to teach them who's boss, you can't let them get away with ANY disrespect or you lose the respect of the other kids." She will be in shock when she discovers that this works best through Basket B, and in keeping it manageable. Basket A is for emergencies only, if the classroom is on fire you will risk a meltdown to grab the kid and toss him out the window to safety if necessary, work out the consequences later. Basket B, kept not too full, is where the spadework is done. To disrupt the rest of the class over a kid "not sitting right" when at least he wasn't throwing chairs, calling out or swearing at her, was kind of stupid and asking for trouble. To not allow the aide to remove him - it was about power. "I'm the boss, not the aide. You will put up with my face staring at you, you cannot use your disability to hide behind and sneak away for fun and games just because I have challenged you, you little snot." The teacher needs to realise that VERY quickly, her behaviour as it eventuated will lose her respect of the other students faster than almost anything else. Maybe if she had had a fit of hysterics in front of the class, coupled with sitting on the floor rocking, the class could have lost respect for her faster. But kids do not respect teachers who use their position of power to control. When I look back at my schooling, the teachers who stick out in my mind as good teachers who I respected, were the ones who taught well. The students chose to behave better (and to control the worst students ourselves if they misbehaved) because we valued these teachers. They kept us interested, they RESPECTED us and genuinely wanted to help us. It wasn't the shouters, the belittlers, the demeaners that we valued. Even the strict disciplinarians were valued, as long as they respected us. We therefore respected them. But the teacher is the adult, they need to do this first. I remember bad students, who disliked and disrespected the teachers on principle because they were teachers. They still had little to complain about, in the good teachers and had little opportunity to misbehave. Often the difficult students would be in the minority and would find themselves ostracised by a class of kids who didn't like to see a favoured teacher disrespected. But the teacher you describe - unless your son was really being a major problem before she did anything, I doubt her actions have earned her (or saved her) any respect from other kids. And without that respect, her efficiency as a teacher is now much less. I also use the Ross Greene methods myself, on teachers and schools. It works. I think about what I am prepared to push for with the school, even at risk of triggering a meltdown from them. And I then have a small list of what things I want the school to change, but I won't push them to meltdown point if I can avoid it. I will also work with them where possible to facilitate them giving me what I want. And again, I have my "Basket C" with what I want from the school. A no-uniform policy is in Basket C, because it doesn't seem to make any difference to how they teach my child. I have higher priorities. Good luck with this one. She doesn't sound like Montessori material to me. Marg [/QUOTE]
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