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The $64K question
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 580850"><p>PBI, I don't usually post here and I have no expertise is any disorders, but do have lots of in real life experience with balky adolescents - so fwiw... (forgive my intrusion)</p><p></p><p>I found that trying to give my kids a taste of their own medicine usually backfired for me. The same was true of taking away things they loved or unrelated privileges in an effort to motivate them. They never really made the correlation between my punishment and their own behavior unless they were directly related. So yes, take away the phone if they misuse the phone or talk on the phone in lieu of homework. But don't take away the phone or the toys because they didn't set the table...because at that age they just didn't connect the dots in a meaningful way. My kids just saw it as being an unfairly punitive action on my part and then we would get into this cycle of me being more punitive (now the phone AND the skateboard) and them being miserable and being less willing to cooperate and it became a never ending power struggle. And trying to make them more miserable in hopes that it would make the lightbulb go off - didn't make the lightbulb go off. It just made us all more miserable. They were miserable and blamed me, I was frustrated and fed up and growing hopeless that these kids would ever "get it". And as I look back, I realize they truly didn't get it.</p><p></p><p>We had the late for practice issue with baseball. A lot. My kids were never great with time and always underestimated the time to start getting ready so that we could get out of the house on time. And usually by the time we got into the car, we were all ready late, I was STEAMING, they were trying to tie shoes and forgetting their mitt and then it was an awkward transition to the field which didn't help matters. And refusing to take him after a certain time didn't lead to the natural consequences we hoped, it just made my boy and baseball less joyous and more drudgery.. </p><p></p><p>What always helped my kids (and still does) were written instructions. I made schedules with their input and posted them. And when they didn't fall in line with the schedule, and I reminded them - it was the schedule that actually pointed out the discrepancy. "Schedule says" not "Mom says". I know it sounds weird, but it took the pressure off of me. My kids are practically adults now and I posted a Christmas eve/day schedule on the fridge with duties (4-5 set the table), reminders (6pm leave for church) and the fun stuff (9 am open presents)..."schedule said" we were going to be on the road to grandma's by 11 and we were! Even now, I could tell my kids to salt the driveway or set the table or grab their clothes out of the dryer with limited success. But if I post a note on the fridge - no problem. Honestly, I don't think they are balky to annoy us - even though it does... I think they are balky because that's the way it is. And this generation has been raised on multi-tasking. I think they honestly over-estimate their ability to do it all and as adolescents they don't have the maturity to admit it or deal with it so it's a perfect storm of being difficult and unreliable. </p><p></p><p>Gosh, I am rambling. Hope it made sense!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 580850"] PBI, I don't usually post here and I have no expertise is any disorders, but do have lots of in real life experience with balky adolescents - so fwiw... (forgive my intrusion) I found that trying to give my kids a taste of their own medicine usually backfired for me. The same was true of taking away things they loved or unrelated privileges in an effort to motivate them. They never really made the correlation between my punishment and their own behavior unless they were directly related. So yes, take away the phone if they misuse the phone or talk on the phone in lieu of homework. But don't take away the phone or the toys because they didn't set the table...because at that age they just didn't connect the dots in a meaningful way. My kids just saw it as being an unfairly punitive action on my part and then we would get into this cycle of me being more punitive (now the phone AND the skateboard) and them being miserable and being less willing to cooperate and it became a never ending power struggle. And trying to make them more miserable in hopes that it would make the lightbulb go off - didn't make the lightbulb go off. It just made us all more miserable. They were miserable and blamed me, I was frustrated and fed up and growing hopeless that these kids would ever "get it". And as I look back, I realize they truly didn't get it. We had the late for practice issue with baseball. A lot. My kids were never great with time and always underestimated the time to start getting ready so that we could get out of the house on time. And usually by the time we got into the car, we were all ready late, I was STEAMING, they were trying to tie shoes and forgetting their mitt and then it was an awkward transition to the field which didn't help matters. And refusing to take him after a certain time didn't lead to the natural consequences we hoped, it just made my boy and baseball less joyous and more drudgery.. What always helped my kids (and still does) were written instructions. I made schedules with their input and posted them. And when they didn't fall in line with the schedule, and I reminded them - it was the schedule that actually pointed out the discrepancy. "Schedule says" not "Mom says". I know it sounds weird, but it took the pressure off of me. My kids are practically adults now and I posted a Christmas eve/day schedule on the fridge with duties (4-5 set the table), reminders (6pm leave for church) and the fun stuff (9 am open presents)..."schedule said" we were going to be on the road to grandma's by 11 and we were! Even now, I could tell my kids to salt the driveway or set the table or grab their clothes out of the dryer with limited success. But if I post a note on the fridge - no problem. Honestly, I don't think they are balky to annoy us - even though it does... I think they are balky because that's the way it is. And this generation has been raised on multi-tasking. I think they honestly over-estimate their ability to do it all and as adolescents they don't have the maturity to admit it or deal with it so it's a perfect storm of being difficult and unreliable. Gosh, I am rambling. Hope it made sense! [/QUOTE]
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