The $64K question

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tiredmommy, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    This is a typical teen question, but Duckie (of course) takes it to a difficult child level. How do I deal with her being so ssslllooowww to complete anything? I'm talking sloth-like slowness: eating, dressing, studying, showering, etc. Everything. I'm pulling her out of swim class after this evening after she made us late yet again. I'm tired of apparently caring more than she does. It's part ODD, part distraction, part boredom and part time management.

    She's driving me to drink.
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    easy child tends to be that way, but with him it's mostly that he gets distracted by other things. The television. His toys. I'll give him instructions ("Go upstairs, get dressed, and brush your teeth.") and I'll say to him, " Now what are you supposed to be doing?" And it's a PITA, but I have to keep on top of him, making sure he didn't turn his television on, or that he's not listening to music on his IPod. I tell him once he's done he can do all of those things.

    difficult child gets mad because easy child's bedtime is 8:00, but because he takes forever getting ready for bed I make him stop playing at 7:25 or 7:30 to start getting ready for bed. difficult child has asked me why I do that a hundred times and I tell him because easy child takes a while to get himself ready. It annoys him because they were having fun and I make them stop.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM, I am right there with you; not so much with difficult child but with easy child/difficult child. I think I have received more than a few grey hairs from her slowness over the years and it hasn't improved much at all. I love that you pulled swimming! For easy child/difficult child that wouldn't have worked because the few things she ever did want to get involved in she ended up wanting to drop and we had her continue because of her commitment.

    I do have to say she is better in one way. If she needs to pick me up from work she is always there a bit early so there is hope. However, there is a long way to go because just last week she almost made me late for a doctor's appointment. I finally told her that a lack of planning on her part to be ready was not going to cause me a crisis (she had to have me drop her off at class) but it would cause her a problem because I was leaving in 4 minutes. I waited in the car; she somehow made it to the car in one minute-lol!
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I wish I had an answer, Storm is the same way, and complains that I get her up so early in the morning and asks why. I say it because you take forevvvver to get anything done!
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thank you... and now the latest: she left her purse in the car overnight so her epipen froze and is useless. She's fortunate I had a back-up but now I must re-order and her script has no refills. And... this medication can't be called in to the pharmacy because it is an injectable so guess who gets to drive 45 minutes one way to pick up the script? Grrr.....
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Has an Occupational Therapist (OT) ever checked her motor planning and execution? Just a thought.....
    Do any medications slow her down? Is it adhd like organizational and execution issues?

    Or just who she is? (Yikes)
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    She's definitely disorganized and just can't get things done. She missed two days of school last week with a tummy bug. I estimate is took her well over 12 hours to do her homework from three nights. I cannot sit on top of her every minute, it's making me sick.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My son has recently begun doing the

    He's been driving me crazy!!! I've been making him splash cold water on his face - take the dog out for a brisk walk in the cold - anything to try and get his blood pumping and himself MOVING at a near-normal speed.

    I'm wondering if it's hormones????
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I have no idea. But I commisserate.
    I haven't heard of an epipen freezing but it makes sense. So sorry!
    I like Buddy's idea about motor issues. It could be more than just ADD.
    Sending support.
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Duckie has never been diagnosis'd with ADD or ADHD. The only formal dxes (besides allergies and asthma) is Sensory Processing Disorder and ODD. I personally think a lot of the slowness relates to her ODD; it's passive aggressive and manipulative in nature. She shows absolutely zero motivation to improve her behavior and comes across as pushing our buttons. My husband used to think it was just me but I have handed over a lot of the day-to-day parenting to him and she treats him just as badly.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just MHO, but... my opinion of an ODD diagnosis remains unchanged. The more I read your posts and follow Duckie's story... the more the 'ODD' label doesn't seem to really fit. There is "something else". Whether it's something pervasive like Aspie, or something hidden like Auditory Processing Disorders (APD)... there's other dxes that might fit, too, but I can tell you that either Aspie or a hidden Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) can really gum up the mental works - they need to spend way too much time "overthinking" to make up for what they miss...
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I had a long, well written response but suffice it to say: sensory processing disorder (SPD) and ODD are the only two that have stuck. I do believe my daughter is probably somewhere on the spectrum but gender bias in current assessment allows for only the most obvious cases of female autistic disorders to be diagnosed.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree about gender bias. So sad that so many of our kids will go undiagnosed for yrs until someone figures it all out.

    Best of luck with-the slooooowness issue. I feel for you.
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I got mine a Procrastination University t-shirt for Yule. She didn't take the hint.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Given that the ADHD diagnosis is a lot older than the Aspie diagnosis (in terms of common usage), AND that there is still gender bias in the ADHD diagnosis...
    It will take YEARS.

    Some days I wonder why I bother with some fights... and then I realize that while it may be too late for MY kids... if I start now, it might make things easier for the grandkids...
  16. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I've tried to parent Duckie as though she has the diagnosis because, frankly, it works better for her. She needs a certain amount of predictability to get through the day. I did role playing and we made up our own social stories to help her through rough patches when she was younger. I have encouraged her strengths/talents and made sure her obsessions and peculiarities didn't take over her life and prevent her from having new experiences. I have monitored what she eats, kept journals and mood charts, and gave her brushing sessions and joint compressions and carried ear plugs wherever we went. I braided her hair every night for over six years so we could deal with our mornings better. I've sat up countless nights with her nebulizer ready to go and set the alarm to give her 'round the clock Benadryl when needed. I've dragged her from specialist to specialist and hand chose every academic avenue she's taken to give her the best shot at being a happy, well-adjusted and productive member of society.

    And I'm exhausted for it. Really exhausted. I certainly don't have it in me to fight the good fight for future generations. :(
  17. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    My little darlin does the same thing -- slow motion. Unless, of course, it's something he wants to do. Then he can kick it into high gear. Makes me crazy!!
  18. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Oh yup! Let me wake up after the alarm and tell her "OMG we overslept!" and she kicks it up and can get everything done in no time and I'm like... how come you can't do this every day? If you'd do it this fast every day I'd let you sleep longer!
  19. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I can relate to this too. I think exhaustion is a huge understatement! I don't think there is a word in the English language that sufficiently expresses how drained, tired I was from dealing with the "snail like" pace that I went through on everything, and I mean everything!, with difficult child 2.

    Yes, difficult child 2 is an Aspie and has executive functioning deficits, problems with motor planning and execution as buddy mentioned in an earlier response, but, and this is a big But, I truly believe that while some of his slowness is caused by his diagnosis, some of it, especially when he doesn't get his way, is intentional. When difficult child 2 was angry over having to either do something he didn't want to do, or not being able to have something he wanted, he attempted to manipulate husband and I, (especially me), through passive aggressive behavior. Some of his attempts were almost comical such as when he knew we had to leave the house and he would refuse to walk down the stairs. He would stand on one stair holding onto the railing, keep one of his legs lifted like he was going to go down another stair but would just stand there, sort of frozen, for what would seem like an eternity. There were times when we couldn't ignore him (time constraints), had to physically take his hand, walk him down the stairs. Of course when he got older, bigger, stronger, we could no longer do this. difficult child 2 is intelligent and definitely manipulative but in a very child-like way.

    He also used to try (unfortunately sometimes successfully, school personnel didn't want to deal with his frequent, violent outbursts) these same passive aggressive tactics in classroom settings. I think that one of the problems we had with trying to get his passive aggressiveness under control was that he needed consistency between school and home. Unfortunately this never happened. Of course, if difficult child 2's passive aggressive behavior worked part of the time while in school, it only reinforced that behavior when at home.

    I could ramble on and on and on, etc., about this topic! I hope what I've written makes sense as I haven't had enough caffeine yet this morning. However, as soon as I read this thread, it hit a nerve, just had to respond!

    TM, you are one of the very best warrior parents I "know!!" You are doing everything humanly possible to give Duckie "the best shot at being a happy, well-adjusted and productive member of society. Wish I had some good answers for you... All I can do is let you know I think I understand having been there done that in what seemed at times like a never ending eternity in HE77.

    Hang in there. From personal experience, things do get better. Thinking of you today, many hugs... SFR
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    SFR, We recently moved from asingle story to a 2 story home. In that time, Duckie has done the same exact thing. ;)