The good, the bad and the in-between

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Jun 9, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    First of all, school's out!!!! :yippee: :bow:

    For this last quarter, the PCA worked with difficult child and it went sooooo much better. difficult child fights with me every step of the way, but she can do things with the PCA that she would fall to pieces over with me. So far, she has all B's and one A's and they're still going up. Final grades haven't been posted yet.

    And difficult child plans on returning to regular school for high school in the fall. And all I can think is, Thank God. This 24/7's just beyond draining.

    The PCA has made plans to do things with difficult child all summer. Yesterday they played tennis and difficult child came home giggling. Neither one of them play tennis and I guess it would have been interesting to watch. :tongue:

    difficult child really likes her therapist and I think a lot of good will come of it.

    The bad....

    difficult child 2 is still lying and manipulating and doing pretty much whatever he wants. He's almost 17. I have to wonder if it's just a lost cause at this point. This is ingrained in his personality. And I have no control over how it is handled. It really bothered me yesterday when his mom told me that he lies to *everyone* *all the time*. I don't know if it was an excuse or how it was meant, but it really bothered me. Because it certainly doesn't give him a free pass with me. I can't be supportive of someone who manipulates and uses people. I've given him 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances, but when his behavior is good, i.e., he's not going off at everyone, then "he's doing so much better". That doesn't cut it in my book. He hasn't changed, nor is he trying. He just says what everyone wants to hear.

    I had to tell Ashlee to not be taken in by him. He told her that a friend of his purposely tried to OD. This is a friend he met through AA and his mom thinks it was a lie so that difficult child 2 could go over there because there are no parents. I think it was a lie so he Ashlee would give him a ride. He uses people. And I'm done being used.

    The in-between...

    easy child got signed up for the graduate recovery program. The school cut down how many hours he has to do, but that's because they want him done by June 30 because it effects their graduation rate. I'm really not concerned about their graduation rate and even with the reduced hours, it would be 50+ hours a week to be done by June 30.

    We left from getting him signed off and easy child went off on me for talking for him and making decisions for him. I told him not to talk to me. For one, it wasn't true. For two, I'm the mom. If I want to make decisions for him, then I will. Later he said that he was just mad and he takes it out on me. I told him I will not be his punching bag anymore.

    Then I told him that he took it out on me and Ashlee, but went and picked up D and took him to Chipotle. D is a mooch that has taken complete advantage of easy child - although, easy child lets him - and D sat in my house 2 weeks ago tearing easy child down to me. It made me sick with everything that we have done for D and how he has taken advantage of easy child. I told easy child this last night and told him that he really needs to think about who he attacks and who he buddies up with. I told him that after that little conversation with D that I don't even want him in my house again. D had to feel like he's better than easy child. He's certainly not supportive of anything easy child does.

    So, that's it in a nutshell. I haven't been around much because I'm not feeling well, but I'll be on here and there.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Sounds like you deserve congratulations and hugs all at the same time. I am glad difficult child is doing well, and hope the boys shape up. Hope summer goes well, and hope your health improves some.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thanks, CM.

    difficult child 2 stopped over today and fed me a line about his recent manipulation/lie/BS. I'm just so tired of it and I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore.

    Good news is, easy child has chilled and apologized.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think it might be wise to step back from difficult child 2 if he is unstable, and it certainly sounds like he is. From what I have seen with husband and with difficult child, they are just not capable of making good decisions when not stable. You might as well spit in the wind, it will be more effective. For my 2 difficult child's (husband is included ya know) the right medications are key, as with husband the fact that he wants treatment. I think that with older difficult child's and adults that they have to want treatment before it can be effective, or as effective.

  5. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I think I need to step back, too.

    He was getting community service hours with me because I'm disabled. He did things I can't do: mow the lawn, clean the bathrooms, scrub the patio furniture, vacuum, etc. But, I'm not giving him anymore. I had to track him down and then follow up behind him. He got something out of it because he didn't want to go to the other places to get his hours - the work at the humane society, for example, is tough. And then for him to just continue to lie to me and manipulate.... No. I'm not making anything easier for him anymore.

    He's one of those kids that you have to really lay down the law, be firm and stick to it. He says he likes me because I can be a real B and I don't put up with his carp. The problem is, I can't enforce anything so my hands are tied and I end up frustrated.

    And I do wonder how much of this is his illness and how much is his personality. You can't blame *everything* on bipolar. I'm not really sure how much he wants to get better. As I said, he just says what you want to hear.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    No, you can't blame everything on bipolar, but it is such a fine line. I think personal accountability is huge but so is stability. How do you find a balance? I don't know, and if you do let me know. I know that I don't want difficult child growing up and using a I am BiPolar (BP) copout. husband does that sometimes, and it bothers the hades out of me. At least I can rip into him, he is an adult and should know better. I think so many of our difficult child's have such a poor self esteem, that they cannot even comprehend what "getting better" or being "stable" is.

    Hugs. You are doing what you know is right, hang in there it won't be easy.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well difficult child sounds like she is doing well! Tennis, that is awesome! Does she wear a black tennis outfit? That is what i would have done at her age. LOL

    Sounds like easy child needed to hear it from Mom. I hope he finishes his hours and gets it done. It hoovers when we don't see that friend is taking advantage of us, but others can. Usually a self esteem issues. I did that at times as a young adult.

    The BiPolar (BP) thing is so hard, we are trying to push K to be accountable for herself regardless of her stability, even though she is only almost 8, but we are building up for the future.
    It is such a fine line of how much to push her? How much can she take? She is not good at manipulation yet, but I am sure it is easy to fall into as one gets older.

    I do it jokingly to husband, but I honestly don't want my instability to be a part of my failings. or the reasons for my failings, even if it is at times.

    Or even the feelings of failure.
    I want K to realize she is better than her worst parts of mental illness and she can be the best parts of it if she can learn to control it and see it. But she has to want it.

    difficult child 2 has to get to this point... but how?

    he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have met you
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad to hear difficult child is doing so well. Wow-to hear her giggling must have done you good! Sorry difficult child 2 is not doing well at all. I hate to hear that easy child is yelling at you. However, I'm glad that he is signed up for the graduate recovery program.

    Keeping you in my daily prayers that you are feeling better soon. Hugs.
  9. FlipFlops

    FlipFlops Guest

    This is off topic, and I am sorry. I have forgotten a lot of abbreviations. Could you refresh me with what PCA is?
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    PCA = Personal Care Assistant...a person who helps her get out it in the community, helps teach independent living skills, etc. Some areas have Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers (Independent Living Skills) and PCA's (Timer Lady has both for her child), but here we just have PCA and they cover it all.
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I think difficult child 2 doesn't know any other way; it's how he's managed to function in life. He really doesn't see anything wrong with it. And if he doesn't see anything wrong with it, how do you fix it? Even with CBT, he has to be an active and willing participant.

    easy child...sigh...he's still a work in progress.
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    thanks for the update. You truly have your hands full! It's always great to "see" you. I'm not consistently on as much as I'd like either and I often feel badly that I'm not as supportive as my heart tells me to be. Hugs, ML