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"The Manipulative Child"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 169142" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>THanks for going into this detail, Adrianne.</p><p></p><p>YOu said, "What I understand is that most of these kids come from parents who tried to keep them happy at all costs. Parent who love their kids and will do anything to make life easy. Their way of doing this is more permissable than many but not in the same way as permissive parenting. They don't like to see their child unhappy so they do everything to make them happy to the limits of the child misses out on some natural unpleasentness. I held my kids a lot because I didn't like to hear them cry. They never learned how to cry themselves to sleep. "</p><p></p><p>I think that is a good point. It is so easy to think we're making our lives easy by doing this but it's like people with a pet dog that they allow to rule the roost - the dog they raise will tend to be snappy, territorial, unpredictable and holding the owners to ransom. It's the same with children.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, I did pick up easy child at that point when she began to change form happy gurgling to early fretful - before she cried. I was a doting mother just waiting for an excuse to cuddle my long-awaited child. People warned me she would be spoilt and a problem - but she wasn't. She rarely cried because she had te confidence to know that I would be there when she really wanted me, but I wouldlet her explore as long as she was happy.</p><p></p><p>And maybe that was a factor, too - I didn't pick her up and smooch all over her while she was happily playing on the floor. So even in my "spoiling" there was consistency.</p><p></p><p>I used to cuddle difficult child 3 to sleep - because I could, and because there was nothing else I could do. I found it helped me (going through PTSD at the time) and was calming for us both. But at about three months old he would get to a point in the cuddle then lean away from me to get into his cot, so I began to put him in his cot to sleep, at that point.</p><p>Again, no problems - not with sleeping, anyway. He was a good, cooperative sleeper as long as I did this. When I tried (for a week) to follow the directive of a baby clinic and try to make him go to bed in more conventional ways, we had fiery problems.</p><p></p><p>Open-ended, or too many choices - yes, spot on. We're dealing with this one right now, with difficult child 3's schoolwork. easy child 2/difficult child 2 can't even cope with TWO choices, any more is awful.</p><p></p><p>I will definitely look this book out. The title is still grating on me, but of course that is not your doing! I hope you didn't think I was being critical of you in any way.</p><p></p><p>As with everybody and everything on this site, ANY benefit we can glean from any advice offered, is a bonus. I know how much help I've had from "Explosive Child" but I also know that not everybody has found it helpful. Similarly in my circle of contacts, there are people who sing the praises of this or that, while I quietly grit my teeth and say nothing, if they mention something (or someone) that just didn't work out or was actually a disaster for us.</p><p></p><p>Something in one of your earlier posts - I think it was the first one on this thread - I felt was extremely useful. The book helped you identify those examples where your child succeeded in deflecting you from the issue at heart. </p><p>If the book can do that, then it has earned its recommendation for many people, I believe.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 169142, member: 1991"] THanks for going into this detail, Adrianne. YOu said, "What I understand is that most of these kids come from parents who tried to keep them happy at all costs. Parent who love their kids and will do anything to make life easy. Their way of doing this is more permissable than many but not in the same way as permissive parenting. They don't like to see their child unhappy so they do everything to make them happy to the limits of the child misses out on some natural unpleasentness. I held my kids a lot because I didn't like to hear them cry. They never learned how to cry themselves to sleep. " I think that is a good point. It is so easy to think we're making our lives easy by doing this but it's like people with a pet dog that they allow to rule the roost - the dog they raise will tend to be snappy, territorial, unpredictable and holding the owners to ransom. It's the same with children. Mind you, I did pick up easy child at that point when she began to change form happy gurgling to early fretful - before she cried. I was a doting mother just waiting for an excuse to cuddle my long-awaited child. People warned me she would be spoilt and a problem - but she wasn't. She rarely cried because she had te confidence to know that I would be there when she really wanted me, but I wouldlet her explore as long as she was happy. And maybe that was a factor, too - I didn't pick her up and smooch all over her while she was happily playing on the floor. So even in my "spoiling" there was consistency. I used to cuddle difficult child 3 to sleep - because I could, and because there was nothing else I could do. I found it helped me (going through PTSD at the time) and was calming for us both. But at about three months old he would get to a point in the cuddle then lean away from me to get into his cot, so I began to put him in his cot to sleep, at that point. Again, no problems - not with sleeping, anyway. He was a good, cooperative sleeper as long as I did this. When I tried (for a week) to follow the directive of a baby clinic and try to make him go to bed in more conventional ways, we had fiery problems. Open-ended, or too many choices - yes, spot on. We're dealing with this one right now, with difficult child 3's schoolwork. easy child 2/difficult child 2 can't even cope with TWO choices, any more is awful. I will definitely look this book out. The title is still grating on me, but of course that is not your doing! I hope you didn't think I was being critical of you in any way. As with everybody and everything on this site, ANY benefit we can glean from any advice offered, is a bonus. I know how much help I've had from "Explosive Child" but I also know that not everybody has found it helpful. Similarly in my circle of contacts, there are people who sing the praises of this or that, while I quietly grit my teeth and say nothing, if they mention something (or someone) that just didn't work out or was actually a disaster for us. Something in one of your earlier posts - I think it was the first one on this thread - I felt was extremely useful. The book helped you identify those examples where your child succeeded in deflecting you from the issue at heart. If the book can do that, then it has earned its recommendation for many people, I believe. Marg [/QUOTE]
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