The right way to deal with tantrums

[Justfour]

Ok, hi all. I have a 13 year old girl with poss. ODD (very likely I think) and poss Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Am waiting to talk to dr. As you guys probably know its difficult dealing with tantrums etc. can I tell u about a tantrum the other night and you help me out with advice about if I dealt with it the right way.
Daughter was shouting at sister over the tv prog we were watching, so I asked her to stop. Then warned her she would have to go upstairs if she continued, which she did.
Because I wouldn't let her back down, after threatening to kill the kitten (which she would never do) she threw some clothes down the stairs that had been hanging up airing. I asked her to pick them up a few times then said (all done very calmly) if I come up and pick them up, I tip stuff out in your room, pick them up please. So the tipping up of stuff started. She threw the clothes I tipped out a drawer in her room. Eventually she had enough and started shouting at me for other things. This continued till gone eleven when her sister was trying to sleep. In the end I had to end it the only way it can be ended at that point was by getting aggressive. I don't hit her just get in her face. There are so many things she does that I ignore, choose my battles, that once I've asked her to do something, I can't back down. I know once she is tantrumming she is very unlikely to cooperate with me but should I have just left that or was I right to make a stand. I know some of you will say I shouldn't of got aggressive with her but I'm not perfect, just doing my best, it's been a long hard summer.

 

[EStephens]

I have a 10 difficult child that has Aspergers.
I don't think you got overly aggressive in my opinion. It's hard not to scream in someone's face when they are screaming in yours.
difficult child's are a true test sometimes. Cut yourself some slack and try to prepare for the next battle. Sadly, it will come.

 

[TeDo]

You did the best you could with what you have. There really isn't a wrong (unless you're abusive), there is usually only a better.

Just so you know, many of us here don't believe in ODD as a diagnosis. Yes, we know it exists in the DSM but we don't find it helpful in any way. If you suspect Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), that trumps and explains the ODD symptoms. What kinds of things make you suspect Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)? Finding the hidden "WHY" behind the behaviors usually help clarify that. Behavior is usually a form of communication so you need to figure out what she's trying to tell you ....... think OUTSIDE the box when trying to figure it out.

The only thing that really sticks out to me is that she was shouting about the tv program and you sent her upstairs. I havae learned that once difficult child 1 complies with that, I ignore everything else until he's had a chance to calm down and then has time to think more clearly. EVERYTHING that happens during the tantrum, I make him take care of after he's calm. Trying to get him to do anything when he's upset is only going to make things worse and he can't help what happens DURING the "blind rage". Anything I do to keep the anger going is my fault because I know better. For now for us, just learning to deal with the anger appropriately and him cleaning up his own messes after a slip-up are the things we are concentrating on. Baby steps.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't believe ODD is a helpful diagnosis. and it rarely stands alone.

I used to tantrum as a child. The more my mother tried to stop me, the more intense I raged. It was like I couldn't stop. The only thing that stopped me was if my mom locked herself in her room and left me alone to calm down. But there was always another tantrum coming...they were hard to control for me. It was as if they started beyond my control then I couldn't shut back down. You do whatever works for your child. Just don't expect the tantrumming to stop until/unless you get the right diagnosis. and the right therapy and often medication.

 

[chloedancer]

You love your daughter, you are doing your bet,and you are open to feedback. Don't be so hard on yourself, no one is perfect! From the vantage point of not being emotionally involved or vested,did you dump out her clothes? This is the one point that stood out to me. If she was angry I doubt she was able understand your intentions. Letting her calm down then asking her to pick up may have helped, but who knows?

 

[InsaneCdn]

I'm with MWM... until you find the cause of the behavior, you don't have much hope of finding things that work.

And ODD... well, we got stuck with that, too, and in my opinion it isn't tragic as a "placeholder" diagnosis... as in, they know something is wrong, but can't quite figure it out yet. It's one step better than the "bad parent" label - maybe there really is something going on with this kid. Some kids with the ODD label end up being Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), Aspie, Bi-polar... or, like mine, a whole cross-section of different dxes not one of which is considered "major" enough to cause behavior issues (but the combination is!)

 

[DammitJanet]

Well you did better than me. I kept the number to the French Foreign Legion by the phone and threatened to call them every time he got out of hand. He wasnt quite sure who they were but I told him they froze to death in Russia...lol. I swear at that age I wanted to half kill him half the time. Probably more often.

There is a book that I like even more than the explosive child which is the defiant child. I liked the ideas in that book because compromising with my son was just letting him win. With my kid giving him baskets just simply didnt work. Maybe meant yes. It still does. He needs complete concrete rules. If it is wrong today, it has to be wrong everyday. We'll see just doesnt cut it with him. I learned way too late that letting him get away with certain things just let him believe that certain behaviors were acceptable.

If your daughter tends to have temper tantrums and throw things out of her room, strip her room so there isnt anything to throw. Thats perfectly allowed. Put her stuff in your room and give her one outfit a day. Let her have a mattress on the floor, a blanket and a pillow. She doesnt need more than that. If she goes in other people's rooms, put locks on them. You have to get creative. I couldnt restrict my son from TV because I worked full time and he got home from school before me so he would just watch then. Also I lived in a single wide mobile home and all he had to do to watch tv was sit in his doorway and he could see the tv. I wasnt going to punish the rest of the family and take away tv from them too. So I did different things. When I got home from work he had to walk in circles around the power pole in the front yard for an hour. This was for a week the first time and it just got longer from there. Depending on the offense.

 

[TerryJ2]

I hear you!

My difficult child still hates to keep things in his dresser drawers. I am worried it's a trait sort of like Alzheimer's, where he gets confused if he can't see everything all spread out. But he's got to learn to do it, and to navigate the "real world."
AND respect me because it's my house.

When she is calm, ask her if it's something about the clothes that bothers her, or if it was her mood. You'll have to phrase it carefully and be very, very calm to get a straight answer out of her ... but it will help.

In the meantime, don't worry about getting in her face. Most of our kids are lucky they still HAVE faces after what they've done to us!

 

[Wiped Out]

Lol Terry!

Please don't be so hard on yourself. There is only so much we can take before we start to yell! It happened today with me and my difficult child-argh!