the summons arrived

[MrsMcNear46]

Janet-

Will keep your guys in my prayers.

My youngest brother was a crack addict for 15 yrs. It took a very long time until the pain of staying the same was greater than the pain of change. He has been clean for about 3 years now. Hope that someday happens for Ant.

Hang in there Janet.

Blessings,

Julie

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Been thinking of you. Hope the family reunion goes well and that ant sees the light.

Beth

 

[Ephchap]

Janet,

No words of wisdom, other than to remind you that you've done all you can do. You've left no stone unturned. The rest has to come from ant. I know you know that, but it sometimes helps to be reminded that this is not your fault.

Sending hugs,
Deb

 

[Sunlight]

even my own mom who is not usually supportive told me I have given ant everything but my own skin in helping him. I went to see him last night, he was sitting in the dark inhis place drinking and smoking cigs. he had been crying looking over old photo albums of when he was a kid.

he has a girl he met on the internet coming to stay a week at his place. she is from new york, seems to be a biracial difficult child with no one to care. she is 24 and coming on a late night bus. sigh.
I told him he does not need to feed and care for a stranger. I think he is desperate for companionship. I also told him I cannot control his actions and am sad that his choices make his life so hard. He just doesnt make sense.

 

[totoro]

Where is the bottom for him??? When will he hit it??? He has so much positive energy coming at him from this place, I wish he could feel it...

 

[pinevalley]

I am sorry for all that you are going through. I am sending lots of good wishes and prayers for you. - from a friend,

 

[TerryJ2]

Sigh. What a sad situation for your difficult child. Just imagining him sitting there drinking, looking at an old photo album ... wow. I agree with-Totoro, when will he hit bottom? He's had so many positives and negatives you'd think he's get the picture by now. Hugs for all of you.

 

[Sunlight]

I no longer believe in the bottom for ant. the POTADA site talks about hitting bottom. they may never hit it. this is ant. this is who he is, this is his life. when he goes to jail, it will be without me. he makes choices and so do I.

I choose to perhaps drive him to his hearing if he has no other way to go. I already told him I will not visit, may not accept calls but will write. my life cannot be intertwined with his anymore. this has gone on too long. it may be the rest of his life. God plans for me at this point are to lay back and let it go.

last night in talking to ant I caught him in a lie. a bold one. I told him he lied. he kind of laughed and admitted this lie, one he has sworn up and down to be true for a couple months. it lit a lightbulb to me that he is back in a big way manipulating and using people with no remorse other than his pain when he gets caught.

the lie was this: his dad bought hima computer in june. he took it back to the store for the money next day. he said the store gave him 200 and was to mail him the rest of it...500.00 more.

he has said for two months that he never got the rest of the money. his dad thinks he still has the computer. his dad told him if he goes to jail he has to give the computer to his dad. I told ant he must tell his dad he returned the computer for the money. if not, his dad will think I have it. he laughed and said you wont tell him because you dont talk to him and I wont tell him either. I told him I know he did get the 500.00 he admitted it and laughed. he said that was what was stolen from him the night he was robbed. so he justifies that he got nothing for the computer. his thinking is screwed up. detachment can be easy this way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sigh Janet...have you ever read the criteria for CD or ASPD? Sometimes that is all that ever gives me comfort.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Janet, you have really come full circle.

You've done everything humanly possible to give Ant every opportunity and every option.

Sending gentle hugs.

 

[Sunlight]

Janet, he most definitely already has been diagnosis wtih conduct disorder and ODD. I am not sure but am starting to think he may be maturing into ASPD.

yesterday he threw out the girl who bussed here from NY. he said he couldnt stand her...that after keeping her the wknd. her brother picked her up, ant was laughing about that too.

he told me he was going to call a family member with a history of homelessness, jail terms and alcoholism. I advised him not to. he screamed at me that I cant tell him what to do and I hung up on him as he was screaming.

I choose not to be screamed at too...lol

sigh

 

[judi]

Aw Janet - I'm so sorry!

 

[TerryJ2]

Sigh. So sorry.

 

[Sunlight]

I like this from POTADA:
an eyeopener about hitting bottom:
The following is a synopsis of a lengthy article in Al-Anon literature.

Formerly, it was thought that it was necessary for a user to hit bottom, and become internally moved to seek help, as in the parable of the Prodigal Son. Since that person was not chemically influenced, he could come to his senses and rationally seek help.

Typically, a user is so blind to the cause/ effect relationship between drug/alcohol use and unhappiness (and tragedy), that he blames anything but his chemical.

Now it has been shown that a caring person can raise the bottom, or at least not allow it to be dug deeper. It is a loving thing to avoid babying the user. Sympathy is of no value; nor is a sentimental approach.

To intervene is to confront the person with the facts of his illness, and the effects caused by drug use.

 

[lovemysons]

Dear Janet,
As you may already know, my oldest difficult child allowed me to help him turn himself in Jan 11th, 2006. He just got released to a halfway house 2 weeks ago. I think he will be on probation for 5 years. I can only imagine the pain I will be in for him if this is not the end of it. I can only imagine what you are going through right now.

As others have said, you are a strong lady and remember you are always a great mom. I admire all you've done for ant through the years and all you've done for yourself to not only survive but move forward in your own life despite the pains.

I hope ant will be faced with his disease internally. I so wish for him to truly KNOW sobriety someday.

with love and prayers,
Tammy

 

[AngelaMia aka Merris]

Janet - you have given as much as you can give. He may choose never to change - I understand your feeling of not being able to go through it agan. I told my difficult child, if he goes back, I'm done.

You seem to be holding up well, but I know this is incredibly painful. I am proud of you for standing your ground, but I ache for you as well.

Please take care.

Merris

 

[Alisonlg]

Oh Janet! I'm so sorry for all that you're going through and all that Ant is going through. :frown: At least Sept. will bring some closure to this whole DUI issue that has just dragged on and on.

::::