they asked me to come take him home

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lordhelpme, Jan 13, 2007.

  1. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    ok i was floored last wk by the post about unenrolling a difficult child but now i see how schools can be about these things.

    the school called today and asked me to come pick difficult child up to take him home for the day. this is the third time they have done this. the last time it was right after having an initial mtg with-the sw, school psychiatric, principle ,teacher and us(me and husband). i'm pissed. if they would just let him cool off he is usually fine and can go on but the princple feels he is too angry to go back in the classroom when i can see his anger is with-her for not letting go back,Know what I mean??

    i had a friend who took a Special Education class about IDEA tell me that it is against the law to remove a child from academic time for misbehavior. is that so or what are the loopholes. cause he spit on her can she deem him dangerous and make me come get him?

    i sent my letter asking for a mde just before i got to the school (i was working at my church across the street from the school when they called)and i told the principle that i sent the letter. she gave me a look that either she didn't understand what i meant by mde or that she didn't think i knew enough to ask for one.

    so i have a ? the principle wants to meet with-me on tues morning. do i go or do i wait for the letter to be received and follow those guidelines of communication. i just don't want him taken away from school work by spending hours in the office sitting doing dot to dots(this has happened 5 times) or me having to take him home where he gets the idea that he can cause trouble and then come home if he wants.

    to be honest he was upset cuz she told him he could get kicked out of school and he yelled at her "then how am i supposed to learn!" gotta love my boy! he actually loves school when he is not having a meltdown and had a wonderful wk until friday(he always has a meltdown on the fridays am at the school for a pta mtg with-the principle, like yesterday).

    ok i find i am rambling and need to vent. as i am learn more and more from you gals and others at school i need to get used to it. but i will tell you one thing they better not think i am a push over. i am smart, love to do research and have no qualms about contacting outside people for the better interest of my child and the others in my community. i will be a fair with-them as i can but don't f#%k with-me just to see if you can!
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    HI and welcome. There are a lot of things (besides eating Rolaids) that you can do for your child and his education. In this case it sounds like you are headed for warrior mom status and will have to educate school on the pro's of the IDEA law, which I would highly recommend YOU yourself read over, IEP's (indivual education plans), and the like. Each situation is different and most start with a diagnoses from a physician, psychologist, and psychologist. If you have that already you're ahead of the game.

    There is a special education reference section here at the Conduct Disorders board that you can research and get LOADS and LOADS of information from. Once you find what you need to arm yourself when you hit a wall, post a question and one of the resident experts on sp. education and law/reform will most certainly post to help you or PM you or email you. This situation is FAR from hopeless and NOT worth upsetting yourself further.

    Ten years ago, as a woman who left an abusive marriage and struck out on her own with a child who's behavior was off the charts I thought I had most of my problems whipped. I enrolled my son in a new school that had NO CLUE about how to deal with a child who had behavior disorders. I lost a job (ten years ago mind you) making $40,000.00 to start. Due to the SCHOOL! I didn't even get an apology. I came home, sat down and cried, got it out of my system and then started doing research. I didn't have a computer then, but found advocacy groups and evenutally made my way here to a wealth of information. This place works if you allow yourself to be helped and follow good advice.

    Others will be along soon, so check your post often. Hang tough - you've found a soft place to land.

    Hugs & Welcome
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Well, I really don't have any advice to offer other than arm yourself with information and know, inside and out, your rights and the rights of your son. The Special Education. forum is really good for that.

    I can tell you that many SDs get away with things simply because of parents being uninformed of the laws. I know, I work for one. Though my school is pretty good about this type of thing as we have a wealth of difficult children. Plus, most public schools use the authoritarian approach when dealing with students. And, difficult children generally don't respond positively to this type of disipline.

    I will advise you to stay very calm and lOGICAL. Be a warrior, but one of quiet, and unrelenting, strength. I know this is a highly emotional situation for you. But, if you start over-reacting you are going to be labeled "out of control", or a "pain in the @#$ parent". Schools can get rather dismissive when they think they are dealing with an overwrought parent. You want them to understand YOU KNOW law and you know what you are talking about.

    Does he have an IEP? Having one gives you much more power. Sounds like your difficult child needs one.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really hate it when they start sending home a young child because the child soon learns to act out to go home which is FUN!

    I will never forget a middle school principal suspending my son one time in 5th grade and using the wording Dont Come Back Until You Are WILLING to get SPANKED! Well needless to say my child didnt tell me about this, I never got a phone call and my little angel intercepted the mail and he got on the bus like he was going to school and played in the woods all day!

    I only found out when the school called me 5 days later to ask me when I was going to bring him in for his SPANKING! HUH? Idiots.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Coleen, I've said it before and I'll say it again - crikey, your son sounds like difficult child 3!

    I can't help you a lot with the legal stuff, because it is going to be slightly different for us. However, basic human rights are what we have in common between Australia & the US.

    Step 1 - your son needs an IEP or something that your state education system accepts as identifying his special needs which are due to his disability. These needs MUST be accommodated. You become part of your son's Learning Team (he is also a vital member of the learning team, but you stand in for him until he is old enough to participate).

    Once in the system, they cannot treat him the same as the other kids for behaviours he cannot control to the same degree. Failure to take his disability into account is discriminatory. Arm yourself with the specific rights in your state. Talk to whoever legislates the discrimination legislation.

    In this case, the teacher antagonised him. She was probably exasperated with him (we know our kids can be annoying) but without an IEP or similar in place, you can't go back to her and say, "It's wrong to talk to him that way and antagonise him. We have already established that you use x technique, not the usual belittling ways that teachers have traditionally used."

    He spat at her. How is this dangerous? Really? OK, it's not good socially, and since all the panic over AIDS in the last 20 years people are, frankly, a bit stupid about spitting (sorry if I antagonise anyone here). HE has to learn not to do this, but sending him home for it? Over the top. Sending him to the principal? Yep, for sure.

    Spitting can only give you diseases if the child HAS the diseases and also if the spittle lands on mucous membrane. Spittle on skin or clothing is unsavoury and unpleasant but is NOT a health risk.

    I have a friend who was a dental technician,who caught Hepatitis B when the drill bit the dentist had been using flicked off and nicked her on the ankle. Darned unlucky. But the dentist did not catch Hep B. If the technician had picked up the drill bit in her bare hands she still would not have caught Hep B, if she then immediately washed her hands. She would not have caught HIV at all, from bare hands.

    When an IEP is in place, what is SUPPOSED to happen in the event of conflict is that the staff are supposed to consider - what has led to this behaviour? Yes, we need to be safe, but how can we resolve this as quickly and peacefully as possible?

    Teachers make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. The important thing is recognising if your actions have contributed to the situation, and then rectifying it.

    Your son has some delayed language, I gather, from your sig. This is going to increase his explosiveness, purely due to frustration and miscommunication (his and the teacher's). If he misunderstands her words or intent, or cannot make himself understood, there will be problems. He can't control this, she is the adult and needs to take the responsible, caring position and acknowledge that there are going to be difficulties here.

    He loves school - that's a bonus. If my suspicions as to diagnosis are correct, chances are he also is fond of his teacher most of the time (unless she is clashing with him repeatedly, every day). Our kids tend to value the person who is giving them what they want - knowledge. If this is true, let her know this. If she realises that he does in fact value her, she may not be so quick to stand over him.

    difficult child 3 has absolutely adored all his teachers, including the ones who treated him badly. He still would rage at them at times. He even raged at his aide, who I think should be canonised. He absolutely adores his former aide, will seek her out to talk to her if we meet on the street. And yet he has done the equivalent of spit at her, too. It happens.

    A rule I brought in when difficult child 3 was being sent home - SCHOOL WORK DURING SCHOOL HOURS. Being sent home is not an excuse for doing no work. Any homework needing to be done - now is a good time to get it out of t he way. I would then find book work for him to do. While I had no problem with making the school work enjoyable, I did keep him working. And I found that he would work through the usual morning tea break and lunch break quite often, rather than stop. getting him started was often tricky, but once on a roll he would prefer to keep going. We used a lot of educational software to drill him in various subjects.

    It was when I noticed that t he work he did at home was teaching him more than his days at school, that we began to wonder about the wisdom of sending him to school. But that is another story, much further down the track than you are right now.

    At 6, dot to dots ARE often considered schoolwork. However, I would go to the meeting with the principal and ask that until your more formal process is set in place, the outcomes of Tuesday's meeting be considered interim strategies.

    Some things I would insist on - if he's sent out of class, give him more appropriate challenging work to do. If possible IN class, challenge him more academically. This may even settle down his behaviour.

    Also - the school should be prepared to need to apply for an aide, or some other support. An aide could sit with him in a quiet area to supervise his work.

    Another very useful need - a quiet area in which to work if he's getting distracted or agitated by the general class activity level (noises, chairs scraping, pencils tapping etc). For a long time, difficult child 3's classroom had a small room coming off it where he would go to do book work. He would listen to a CD player with headphones to stop outside noises from bothering him. This was with the school's support. But we needed an IEP to formally put it in place.

    Another very useful tool - the use of a communication book. You can see patterns of behaviour from home and school when both teacher and parent write things down in the book, for the other's information. For this to work you need at least minimal cooperation between home and school. Most teachers will cooperate when they realise that writing in the book means they don't have to talk to the parent every day. You write about the good stuff, the bad stuff and the interesting stuff - what Edward de Bono calls PMI = Positive, Minus, Interesting.

    Before Tuesday's meeting I would make some enquiries as to what you've already set in train - what can you do in the interim? Then make a wish list of what you want the school to do. Be prepared to have to compromise. You may also need to draw up another list - what you are prepared to do to assist the school with your child. I don't mean volunteering for canteen duty, I mean in practical terms such as the communication book (to ensure that the teacher has the most up-to-date information on your son's mood and behaviour, without her needing a daily phone call); getting reports outlining your son's specific needs and strategies to support the teacher; following up on the teacher's expressed concerns by discussing them with doctors and therapists, as appropriate; etc. The book makes a huge difference if you can get it up and running. having strategies in place can also help, because otherwise the school will fall back on "we always do things this way" if you don't give them enough information and resources to be able to do it YOUR way. The school has to justify its actions to more senior educators. If you help lay down the paperwork needed, you're helping the school. And, of course, you're helping your son.

    Something I did when I clashed with the school - I made it clear to them that I want to work with them. I can be a great resource, or a huge hindrance, depending on how they manage my child.

    Someone else could have more specific information for you which could clash with my advice. Ignore me if someone else knows more about your system (likely) and what I've suggested could unsteady what you've already begun.

    Good luck!

  6. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    thank you so much marg! your advice makes me feel much more equiped to see the principle tomorrow morning!

    just a follow up though. we received a letter in the mail saturday informing us that difficult child is actually suspended until i come in to talk to the principle. boy did this send me over the deep end and i came here to research rights before iep in place. he is covered under idea now for several of the points(got my cert mail receipt stapled to my copy of the letter)so i am ready to tell her suspention is unacceptable.

    i love this board you have provide me with-info and make me feel empowered!
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lord...they suspended him because he spit? They would have never made it thru my kid!

    You have gotten some excellent advice. I love the idea of a book between home and school but it would never have worked with my kid because he wouldnt have remembered to bring it home! Possibly email would solve that if the teacher was willing. Maybe you could start a private blog just for you and the teacher or any school personnel who work with him.