They just don't get it

[witzend]

Just for clarification to her when talking to L today, I apologized for her having got caught in the middle of my parents and M. She immediately jumped to their defense. I told her I was not apologizing for their involving her, I was apologizing in advance because I had the full story and I was going to explain it to her and that was me involving her.

I told her that we had tried to help M to get on his feet financially over the last year or so, and that it was clear to me that the reason he was lying about having been in contact with us in the last few weeks is because last autumn we had told him we were done supporting him financially, although we would feed him and make sure he was able to get to job interviews. Clearly not an offer that he wanted to take us up on.

She seemed to understand, then said "Well it seems pretty clear that he is manipulating the situation knowing the past history between you."



I let a beat skip and said "And it seems that they have done their fair share of manipulation in this situation as well, knowing their past history with me."

If I could slap some sense into them all you know I would. In the meantime, M should be prepared to get used to the view from under the bus.

 

[AnnieO]

Well, there's ONE that gets it, anyway...

 

[Hound dog]

Sigh. Does sound like L gets it at least.

Hugs

 

[witzend]

I don't think she gets it at all. She understands that M is taking advantage of my parents by going to them and lying, but she views them as totally innocent victims. They're the ones that have excluded and tried to hurt me for over a decade now. They contact her with their problems with M instead of me. They do it on purpose not to help him but to hurt me (who cares?) and to "get the dirt" on what a loser M turned out to be and it's all my fault. At least 400 relatives know by now, I'm sure.

 

[Nomad]

I missed much of this story and it sounds like a "beeaauutt"
It's been my experience that relatives are often clueless, accusing, blaming and enabling.
However, sometimes if they personally deal with our difficult children...they see the light.
The title of your post was great.
They (difficult children) don't get it.
Relatives/friends don't get it.
We have to make sure that WE GET IT. What's the lesson in all of this? I like what the 12 step programs teach. We didn't cause it and we can't cure it....etc.
Life moves on.
Hold your head up high knowing you did the best you could.....and forget about anyone else who wishes to speak ill of you or cause chaos in your life. You are right....who cares?
Move forward at 100 mph shaking out the emotions and the questionning...just push forward.

 

[witzend]

Thanks, Nomad. I needed that.

 

[elizabrary]

Ugh! I just had 2 relevant things happen to me today dealing with this very issue, so here's my minor rant. Nomad said relatives/friends don't get it, boy did she hit the nail on the head- dead center and completely into the wood with one hit! Today we were talking about poor Charlie Sheen and a friend said, "Well, it would be nice if his dad did something for him." I almost punched her in the eye. Good Lord we all know how many millions of things that poor man has tried to do to help his son. When they are adults you can't do anything if they aren't ready for the help. This friend also knows about my situation, so I wondered if it wasn't an indirect poke at me. But I know sometimes I'm overly sensitive, so who knows.

Then my daughter is always posting something stupid on her FB and while I don't look at it very often, every now and then I check it to make sure she's still alive and that the baby is surviving as well. I looked at it today and she posted this stupid rant about her "baby daddy" and how he doesn't do sh*t for her baby and he can't post that he loves her baby since that baby has a new daddy now. It is ridiculous and unhealthy. At any rate her aunt, who lives on the other side of the country and doesn't have to deal with her directly, always responds to these posts by "liking" them or putting some "supportive" comment. I'm sure she thinks she's being supportive of Kat, who undoubtedly told her how her family has abandoned and betrayed her, but all it does is feed an unhealthy difficult child's love of drama. This aunt is DEX's sister, so I don't have any contact with her, but it drives me crazy.

 

[witzend]

Exactly, Eliz. You've hit it spot on.

 

[dashcat]

Right there with you. Very, very few people get it. That's why we're here.
Dash

 

[Nomad]

Ditto. Very few "get it." I have one friend who does. She has know difficult child and our situation from the beginning. difficult children old babysitter gets it as well. These are pretty much the only two outside people who "get it." Sometimes (rarely) I mess up and try to explain difficult child to people and I get a look of utter disbelief back at me. Then I think to myself "ooops...I have spoken to a civilian..my bad." Sometimes people who never understood....kinda sorta understand as time goes by. I no longer worry...although I have noticed that our son (easy child) sometimes does. He is not at the point that husband and I are. It is a matter of an attitude change. A really hard choice to be in a better place emotionally. I like this quote:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." ​

 

[HaoZi]

"ooops...I have spoken to a civilian..my bad."

I so totally 'd at that. Sad but true.

 

[AnnieO]

It really is like being part of a group who has been put through the boot camp of having a difficult child, isn't it...

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

"ooops...I have spoken to a civilian..my bad."

Ha ha - perfect.