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This is never going to end is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 562898"><p>JFK, I so understand where you are... it is an incredibly hard road to be on as a parent and really all you can do is to keeping finding ways to live your life while still loving difficult child. Finding that balance between helping and enabling is hard and it is tortuous when you are wondering if they are alive and how they are managing when they are homeless. I tend to write more over on the SA forum but I am in a similar situation as you. We kicked our son out at age 18, let him come home again, kicked him out again and he has been out since then and he is now 21. He has been in a bunch of different treatment places and sober houses and then gets kicked out, and the last time he left on his own. We have helped him a bunch along the way... always helping him get treatment when he wanted it. However we have also let him be homeless several times in the process. He has been homeless since he walked out of the last place at the end of August, and he is across the country from us. So I really understand your worry and your pain and your being unable to enjoy or focus on anything else. I have most definitely been there.</p><p></p><p>At this point I am in a different place. I still worry about him and it bothers me that I have now not heard from him in 2 weeks! BUT I am going on with my life and in fact enjoying my life, my 17 year old easy child daugther and my husband. I want you to know ti is possible to get to that different place. I think a couple of things helped me. One was finding an great alanon parent support group. I started going to that 2 years ago and that was a huge help. The other was when my son walked out of the last place (which he admitted was a very good place and he did want to go back at one point but they would not take him until he had more substance abuse treatment elsewhere)... I have a contact where he is and I asked my son why he didnt call him and get help. My sons response was "because sometimes its easier sleeping on the streets than conforming to the rules of recovery". Wow I dont understand that at all but it is a very clear statement on his part. This is a choice he is making, we love him and would help him again if he showed us he really wanted the help. However we are no longer going to jump through hoops to find him help, he has to find it and really want it... not just as an alternative to the streets.</p><p></p><p>And you know what he has figured out how to survive as a homeless person. I have no idea how or what he is doing but there really is nothing more I can do. I have done everything and beyond... and realizing that got rid of my feelings of guilt. So I no longer (most of the time) feel guilty, I no longer am desperate to find him a solution. I am waiting until he wants it and does what he needs to do.... and in the meantime continue to let him know I love him when I have a chance. The only contact with him I have is through FB and he hasnt been on FB for two weeks.... so I sit and wait. And it is awful on the one hand.... but on the other I am glad in a way I dont know the details. And I am doing what I need to do to enjoy life and I am no longer obssessing about him. I do suggest you find a real life support group of some kind... either thorugh alanon or NAMI. There are other parents going through what you are and I have found it very comforting and helful to meet in person other parents who know exactly what we are going through and who in fact are nice good people too.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 562898"] JFK, I so understand where you are... it is an incredibly hard road to be on as a parent and really all you can do is to keeping finding ways to live your life while still loving difficult child. Finding that balance between helping and enabling is hard and it is tortuous when you are wondering if they are alive and how they are managing when they are homeless. I tend to write more over on the SA forum but I am in a similar situation as you. We kicked our son out at age 18, let him come home again, kicked him out again and he has been out since then and he is now 21. He has been in a bunch of different treatment places and sober houses and then gets kicked out, and the last time he left on his own. We have helped him a bunch along the way... always helping him get treatment when he wanted it. However we have also let him be homeless several times in the process. He has been homeless since he walked out of the last place at the end of August, and he is across the country from us. So I really understand your worry and your pain and your being unable to enjoy or focus on anything else. I have most definitely been there. At this point I am in a different place. I still worry about him and it bothers me that I have now not heard from him in 2 weeks! BUT I am going on with my life and in fact enjoying my life, my 17 year old easy child daugther and my husband. I want you to know ti is possible to get to that different place. I think a couple of things helped me. One was finding an great alanon parent support group. I started going to that 2 years ago and that was a huge help. The other was when my son walked out of the last place (which he admitted was a very good place and he did want to go back at one point but they would not take him until he had more substance abuse treatment elsewhere)... I have a contact where he is and I asked my son why he didnt call him and get help. My sons response was "because sometimes its easier sleeping on the streets than conforming to the rules of recovery". Wow I dont understand that at all but it is a very clear statement on his part. This is a choice he is making, we love him and would help him again if he showed us he really wanted the help. However we are no longer going to jump through hoops to find him help, he has to find it and really want it... not just as an alternative to the streets. And you know what he has figured out how to survive as a homeless person. I have no idea how or what he is doing but there really is nothing more I can do. I have done everything and beyond... and realizing that got rid of my feelings of guilt. So I no longer (most of the time) feel guilty, I no longer am desperate to find him a solution. I am waiting until he wants it and does what he needs to do.... and in the meantime continue to let him know I love him when I have a chance. The only contact with him I have is through FB and he hasnt been on FB for two weeks.... so I sit and wait. And it is awful on the one hand.... but on the other I am glad in a way I dont know the details. And I am doing what I need to do to enjoy life and I am no longer obssessing about him. I do suggest you find a real life support group of some kind... either thorugh alanon or NAMI. There are other parents going through what you are and I have found it very comforting and helful to meet in person other parents who know exactly what we are going through and who in fact are nice good people too. TL [/QUOTE]
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