Erin, it's difficult. We can't compare - the friendwho is whining to you about how her usually compliant child refused (once) to fully clean her room because she had a friend waiting - "HOW disobedient is that?" will never be able to walk in your shoes. If she gets so strung out on something like that, how on earth would she survive a difficult child? Either that, or she would adapt fast (as a lot of us have to).
We raise a child from babyhood, we get them to the potty trsaining stage, the cvhild fairly quickly learns to do it in the potty. At first they present teir behind to us for wiping, then they learn to do it themselves. We visitfriends, we are proud of our self-toiletting child.
That is normality.
Imagine the embarrassment andshame when you realise that YOUR child, for reasons you cannot fathom, never seems to 'get' toilet training. You find sgtreaks on the walls wiped by a kid who is way old enough to know better; a child who OUTSIDE the home, people praise for being a child genius. It's bizarre and you get zero understanding from a lot of people.
But there are the Warrior Parents. Not all are on this site. Sometimes they may not understand YOUR situation but over time will still 'get it'.
I have found that with those who whine over what I feel are minor things - I will offer a shoulder as long as I can, but if it gets too much for me I eventually distance myself from that person. I will be friendly to them, of course, but if they are work colleagues we will talk about work, or maybe where they went on their holidays. But never the kids. And I will NEVER share in detail about my kids to these people, just maybe mention that we had a tiring weekend.
Then you find the Warrior Parents who can only understand teir own problems (which, admittedly, may be considerable). Be aware - YOU may affect them the way the "minor whingers" affect you.
We had a neighbour like this - her son was severely brain-damaged at the age of 2 in a drowning accident. He was not expected to live; then he was not expected to be sentient. Then he was not expected to ever learn to communicate; and so on. They were leaving town (moving to be close to doctors) and by this stage their son was learning to walk again but was still tube-fed and non-verbal. I commented that difficult child 3 had just been diagnosed as autistic, we would be sliding right in to the funding they would leave behind (so the aide employed for her son would not be out of a job as had been feared).
This mother's response - "There's nothing wrong with difficult child 3. He's just a naughty little boy."
I was deeply hurt, but to hurt me was totally out of character for her. All I can think she meant was - "My son is the handicapped one. Yours can run, can walk, can read, can play piano - my son will never play piano, may never talk, may never be able to eat normally. Don't talk to me about handicaps, don't look for problems you don't have. Be grateful you have a healthy son."
What she was doing, inadvertently, was comparing. Who knows how she would have coped with difficult child 3? She did an admirable job with her son, she was amazing. But he was a well-behaved child (a bit naughty sometimes) but he could listen to you, he would pay attention, he could follow instructions. He was clearly intelligent and intellectually undamaged. difficult child 3, on the other hand, barely knew his own name and was non-compliant. He needed constant supervision to make sure he was safe, and that other kids were safe from him. He would climb over fences and wander away, a big problem with a kid who doesn't recognise his own name when called. Would she have coped? I think she would have found it very hard work.
Would I have coped with her son? I think the grief alone would have killed me. But I babysat her kids and knew her son well, aside from his disability he was very easy to look after. The main thing he craved was mental stimulation and company.
I could go back and forth - would I have coped? Would she? But in the end we will never know.
We cannot compare. We never should. Until we are challenged, we do not know what reserves of strength we have inside us.
So if you find the whining too annoying, then avoid those people or avoid those topics. But to help you tolerate it a little better - comfort tem as much as you can. because a person who has it so good but can only complain - they have never had the chance to discover their own strength. And that is a tragedy.
Marg
