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THOSE OF YOU WITH LITTLE OR NO CONTACT.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar I" data-source="post: 54137" data-attributes="member: 3755"><p>I'm sorry, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>I had hoped your son was doing better.</p><p></p><p>Is it possible that he is missing family and regretting who he has allowed himself to become? (Wasn't he just at easy child's work?)</p><p></p><p>If you could approach it from that angle with easy child, you might be able to give her the tools she needs to see him (and try to put that off as long as you can, too) without allowing him to victimize her.</p><p></p><p>easy child is vulnerable to difficult child in ways she is too young to understand.</p><p></p><p>Right now, much of who she believes herself to be is tied up with her brother and what has happened to him and how he sees her (and you).</p><p></p><p>She is likely to feel powerless, and she is likely to believe she can save him ~ that love can save him. </p><p></p><p>As hard as it was for any of us to come to this "tough love" position, it will be even more hard for a younger sister to do so. If you can present things in that light ~ that it is the love difficult child feels for you, and for easy child and the rest of the family, that may save him from the trap he has fallen into, you will have given easy child a safe place to stand and a good, strong message she can believe in and repeat to difficult child.</p><p></p><p>If you can approach it from that position ~ that you love difficult child and that you miss him too, but that drug use is destroying him ~ maybe even tell easy child to tell difficult child it's not too late to change things back ~ if you can give her good, strong messages to counteract what will probably be difficult child's efforts to blame and triangulate, I think it will be alright.</p><p></p><p>You are never going to be able to keep difficult child away from easy child. I think that what will happen next is that difficult child will begin finding fault with the way he was brought up to justify what he has done re: drug use / dropping out of school / screwing up in general.</p><p></p><p>It won't be his fault. It will be presented as your fault.</p><p></p><p>Unless difficult child changes his ways, easy child will have to deal with this kind of thinking for many years to come. She has lost a brother. Try to keep responsibility for that loss squarely where it belongs ~ on difficult child, and even more pointedly, on difficult child's drug use.</p><p></p><p>Grieve his loss openly, and provide many opportunities for easy child to do so, as well.</p><p></p><p>Her life has changed irrevocably, too.</p><p></p><p>She will never again be who she was before all this happened, either.</p><p></p><p>The two messages that might work best for easy child where her brother is concerned could be something like: </p><p></p><p>Stop using drugs. </p><p></p><p>You were raised better than to do what you are doing.</p><p></p><p>Those phrases can be her weapons, too.</p><p></p><p>Don't be afraid of this, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>easy child has been honest with you. This is your opportunity to help her learn how to cope with a brother who is using drugs. I say that if you love him openly and grieve what has happened to him openly, you will be able to strengthen easy child for what is coming in her life too, thanks to difficult child's drug use.</p><p></p><p>So that's the key, as I see it.</p><p></p><p>easy child will have to deal with the problems ~ the injuries, the poverty, the irresponsibility and blaming and justification ~ that attend addiction. It isn't fair that she needs to do this while she is still so young, but it is what it is. All any of us can do is hope that some miracle happens and our addicted sons and daughters and brothers will come back to the family clean and whole and themselves, again.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, we all need to learn how to survive the transformation of someone we love into someone who cannot help but place his own self-interest above whatever his or her feelings for us might have been in the past, before the drug use began.</p><p></p><p>You have succeeded in walking through the other parts of what has happened to your family, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>You will handle this well, too.</p><p></p><p>How ARE you doing, anyway? :smile: </p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar I, post: 54137, member: 3755"] I'm sorry, hearthope. I had hoped your son was doing better. Is it possible that he is missing family and regretting who he has allowed himself to become? (Wasn't he just at easy child's work?) If you could approach it from that angle with easy child, you might be able to give her the tools she needs to see him (and try to put that off as long as you can, too) without allowing him to victimize her. easy child is vulnerable to difficult child in ways she is too young to understand. Right now, much of who she believes herself to be is tied up with her brother and what has happened to him and how he sees her (and you). She is likely to feel powerless, and she is likely to believe she can save him ~ that love can save him. As hard as it was for any of us to come to this "tough love" position, it will be even more hard for a younger sister to do so. If you can present things in that light ~ that it is the love difficult child feels for you, and for easy child and the rest of the family, that may save him from the trap he has fallen into, you will have given easy child a safe place to stand and a good, strong message she can believe in and repeat to difficult child. If you can approach it from that position ~ that you love difficult child and that you miss him too, but that drug use is destroying him ~ maybe even tell easy child to tell difficult child it's not too late to change things back ~ if you can give her good, strong messages to counteract what will probably be difficult child's efforts to blame and triangulate, I think it will be alright. You are never going to be able to keep difficult child away from easy child. I think that what will happen next is that difficult child will begin finding fault with the way he was brought up to justify what he has done re: drug use / dropping out of school / screwing up in general. It won't be his fault. It will be presented as your fault. Unless difficult child changes his ways, easy child will have to deal with this kind of thinking for many years to come. She has lost a brother. Try to keep responsibility for that loss squarely where it belongs ~ on difficult child, and even more pointedly, on difficult child's drug use. Grieve his loss openly, and provide many opportunities for easy child to do so, as well. Her life has changed irrevocably, too. She will never again be who she was before all this happened, either. The two messages that might work best for easy child where her brother is concerned could be something like: Stop using drugs. You were raised better than to do what you are doing. Those phrases can be her weapons, too. Don't be afraid of this, hearthope. easy child has been honest with you. This is your opportunity to help her learn how to cope with a brother who is using drugs. I say that if you love him openly and grieve what has happened to him openly, you will be able to strengthen easy child for what is coming in her life too, thanks to difficult child's drug use. So that's the key, as I see it. easy child will have to deal with the problems ~ the injuries, the poverty, the irresponsibility and blaming and justification ~ that attend addiction. It isn't fair that she needs to do this while she is still so young, but it is what it is. All any of us can do is hope that some miracle happens and our addicted sons and daughters and brothers will come back to the family clean and whole and themselves, again. In the meantime, we all need to learn how to survive the transformation of someone we love into someone who cannot help but place his own self-interest above whatever his or her feelings for us might have been in the past, before the drug use began. You have succeeded in walking through the other parts of what has happened to your family, hearthope. You will handle this well, too. How ARE you doing, anyway? [img]:smile:[/img] Barbara [/QUOTE]
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