Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
To other adopted difficult child parents(bit long)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 498699" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi.</p><p></p><p>I have never ever told my children, either typical or my spectrum son, not to share their adoption story or their feelings. In our case, it is obvious my children are adopted...one is Asian, two are partly black. However, they also hear "so you never met your REAL parents?" If we are being honesty, "real" means biological to the kids, and even though my children are VERY close to us, they think about their biological parents. I don't believe in making adoption or ANY feelings about it a family secret. To tell the kids not to talk about it, in my opinion makes them feel ashamed of being adopted. It is a part of their identity and in my opinion we have to put our personal feelings aside and let them say what they want to say about it. I believe that secrets are toxic. If you are not open to hearing anything your kids have to say, and to letting them tell people anything they want to tell, then they will clam up around you and you will never know their thoughts. That will not stop them for searching for their birthparents. In fact, in my opinion it may make them feel more alienated and more intent on searching as adults (I have always told my kids to search and that I would help). </p><p></p><p>We do raise our kids, but we did not give birth to them. There is a natural curiousity tha can become desperate and contribute to behavioral issues about "who do I look like?" "why did Mom get rid of me?" Our generic stories do not make them feel better. Saying we love them does not help the feeling that they are misfits or rejected. Now not all adopted kids process this the same way, but in my opinion we have to let them process it the way they need to. </p><p></p><p>My daughter Jumper, who is fifteen and a half, and has seen pictures of her birthmother and birthfather (his incareration picture...haha), once told me "Adoption should be considered a special need. It's different." Now Jumper is a typical teen who is very bonded to us. But she does talk to her friends about her adoption and her feelings. In fact she wrote a touching essay on "My Adoption." It started out "Adoption is always bad. It is a terrible thing." And it ended up "If I saw my birthparents now I would thank them for giving me a chance to have such an awesome life. I would not want to be anywhere other than where I am right now." She also wrote a tribute to me as her mother, explaining that we are very close and that I watched her birth.</p><p></p><p>The complexities of adoption affect each child differently. My son, who is on the spectrum, has told me he used to think about it and it made him sad. But now he's ok with it. We did not tell him that his birthmother was a drug addict until he was older. Little pieces as he could understand the story. He accepts it now. We try to put her in a good light and say she was "sick." I'm sure he gets asked questions. He just answers "I'm adopted." "No, I never met my mother." Yes, he sometimes calls HER mother. As adoptive parents we have to accept that our kids will always feel they have two mothers.</p><p></p><p>Our adopted kids have to learn to parry the stupid "adoption" comments. Actually none of my kids have had people say anything bad about their adoptions. But if they did, they have to learn how to deal with it because it is a part of their history. I don't think that adoption is seen as a big dirty secret like it once was.</p><p></p><p>On the up side, all three of my adopted kids have told me that, even if they meet their birthparents, WE are their parents, and they say it with scorn that we should even wonder about that. </p><p></p><p>I'm a very honest, open person. I personally believe this is the best way to be with adopted kids, giving them information as they can process it. I also think we should not act like adoption is some big secret. So my own personal opinion is that you should not have said anything to him nor stopped the conversation. It could make him think, "Adoption is shameful, something not to share."</p><p></p><p>Anyway, there's my worthless .02 <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> But it has worked well in our house.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 498699, member: 1550"] Hi. I have never ever told my children, either typical or my spectrum son, not to share their adoption story or their feelings. In our case, it is obvious my children are adopted...one is Asian, two are partly black. However, they also hear "so you never met your REAL parents?" If we are being honesty, "real" means biological to the kids, and even though my children are VERY close to us, they think about their biological parents. I don't believe in making adoption or ANY feelings about it a family secret. To tell the kids not to talk about it, in my opinion makes them feel ashamed of being adopted. It is a part of their identity and in my opinion we have to put our personal feelings aside and let them say what they want to say about it. I believe that secrets are toxic. If you are not open to hearing anything your kids have to say, and to letting them tell people anything they want to tell, then they will clam up around you and you will never know their thoughts. That will not stop them for searching for their birthparents. In fact, in my opinion it may make them feel more alienated and more intent on searching as adults (I have always told my kids to search and that I would help). We do raise our kids, but we did not give birth to them. There is a natural curiousity tha can become desperate and contribute to behavioral issues about "who do I look like?" "why did Mom get rid of me?" Our generic stories do not make them feel better. Saying we love them does not help the feeling that they are misfits or rejected. Now not all adopted kids process this the same way, but in my opinion we have to let them process it the way they need to. My daughter Jumper, who is fifteen and a half, and has seen pictures of her birthmother and birthfather (his incareration picture...haha), once told me "Adoption should be considered a special need. It's different." Now Jumper is a typical teen who is very bonded to us. But she does talk to her friends about her adoption and her feelings. In fact she wrote a touching essay on "My Adoption." It started out "Adoption is always bad. It is a terrible thing." And it ended up "If I saw my birthparents now I would thank them for giving me a chance to have such an awesome life. I would not want to be anywhere other than where I am right now." She also wrote a tribute to me as her mother, explaining that we are very close and that I watched her birth. The complexities of adoption affect each child differently. My son, who is on the spectrum, has told me he used to think about it and it made him sad. But now he's ok with it. We did not tell him that his birthmother was a drug addict until he was older. Little pieces as he could understand the story. He accepts it now. We try to put her in a good light and say she was "sick." I'm sure he gets asked questions. He just answers "I'm adopted." "No, I never met my mother." Yes, he sometimes calls HER mother. As adoptive parents we have to accept that our kids will always feel they have two mothers. Our adopted kids have to learn to parry the stupid "adoption" comments. Actually none of my kids have had people say anything bad about their adoptions. But if they did, they have to learn how to deal with it because it is a part of their history. I don't think that adoption is seen as a big dirty secret like it once was. On the up side, all three of my adopted kids have told me that, even if they meet their birthparents, WE are their parents, and they say it with scorn that we should even wonder about that. I'm a very honest, open person. I personally believe this is the best way to be with adopted kids, giving them information as they can process it. I also think we should not act like adoption is some big secret. So my own personal opinion is that you should not have said anything to him nor stopped the conversation. It could make him think, "Adoption is shameful, something not to share." Anyway, there's my worthless .02 :) But it has worked well in our house. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
To other adopted difficult child parents(bit long)
Top