just checking in. i feel awful. shaky. my brain races and slows for no reason. i finally slept, but not well. i know difficult child hasn't tried to call me so i think he won't come here. he has gotten what he wants - revenge on me and likely cash from bio dad. but i am staying in today. besides, i don't trust myself driving. i just cannot believe that after everything, this is where we are. i know the rehabs, etc. have dropped the tools he needs inside his brain when he chooses to use them. friends who have seen him lately describe him as jumpy, eye darting, no focus, talking fast, pushy....we suspect it is pain pills interacting with his adhd. who knows? he know, deep in his heart, the truth. he remembers bio dad. he remembers his gmother. but he doesn't care right now. he wants what he wants. my mind runs towards sending people who knew bio dad well to difficult child to relay their first hand knowledge. but that will fail. i have to find a way to stop those thoughts in my head. i am surprised bio dad only stayed a few hours and didn't take difficult child back with him. however, difficult child doesn't want to live under anyone's rules. he is having trouble with his 24 yr old roommate's rules. anyhow, posting clears a bit of my head and i am thankful for that.