Took the man child out for dinner for his birthday

[Deni D]

We had a civil conversation where we talked about normal every day things. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner for his birthday. He sounded pleased and said he would like that very much.

Picked a different guy up for dinner though. He made us wait, not answering the phone, in front of the house for a while. I assumed he was running late and was probably in the shower considering he always has his phone attached to him and was not answering. Eventually the man who owns the house came outside and told us he was sitting outside on the back patio. He went to tell him we were there.

The ride to, the dinner, and the ride back was painful. He was disgruntled barely answered questions asked of him and basically acted like an overly hormonal teenaged girl you wish you would have left at home. Between the one word answers to questions he was attached to his phone rapidly texting someone the whole time. Through it all we managed to ignore the bad behavior. After we dropped him off and were heading down the road he called saying he left his wallet in the car.

We went back, I handed him his wallet, and got told that he knew he was not nice but it just bothered him so much that I’m unwilling to address our issue. He was speaking of me having him removed from my house by the police in January. I told him he was very rude and he needs to get help as in get back on his medication, I rolled up the window and left.

After that I got a voice message telling me that I am rude, disrespectful and immature. Projection much.

I just don’t know where to go to from here. One option would be to just cut him off completely and not even answer the phone anymore. Or I could tell him I’m not willing to speak to him until he goes back to the doctor and gets on medication but knowing him he would think going to the doctor and simply filling a script would entitle him to move back into my house and take over, yet another power struggle.

Sigh.

 

[Triedntrue]

Sounds like you might have taken my son out. He is doing the same if he calls we wait for a text which he calls my immature game. He has been very nice if i have met up with him but i am leary. I know he can be nice but i have seen him turn so many times. I would like to believe as i am sure you would that he has changed. I hope that someday we are both proved wrong and they have turned the corner. We both love our sons and i choose to believe that it will happen .

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Deni, I'm so sorry. You try and do something nice for him and he just wants to hold a grudge.

For whatever reason, your son just like mine, refuses to own their behavior. He's only seeing that you had the police remove him from your home, he's not willing to see his role in why that was necessary.

With my son, I've done the no contact for long periods of time. Sometimes my choice but mostly my sons choice. It's hard to reach out to someone that does not have a phone or address, only a Kindle that he can connect to the internet once in a while. We are not in the same town let alone the same state.

I have very little contact with my son. He's currently in prison. He has written us a few letters and we have replied. I'm the one who usually responds but the last time my husband actually wrote the letter. When my son replied to my husbands letter he made a comment about me, saying that he thought I didn't care about him because he hadn't received a recent letter from me. Seriously, it just left me shaking me head. I'm sure in my son's mind because he is in prison, he feels I should write to him every week. I've worked hard to detach from son and his chaos. I love him dearly but I do not want to get sucked back into the drama and chaos that he chooses to create for himself. That does not change just because he's in jail.
For whatever reason, my son and perhaps yours are just stuck in the victim role.

Detaching from our children doesn't mean we don't love them or care about what happens to them. We have a right to live our own lives without being bogged down by their poor choices of lifestyle.

Or I could tell him I’m not willing to speak to him until he goes back to the doctor and gets on medication but knowing him he would think going to the doctor and simply filling a script would entitle him to move back into my house and take over, yet another power struggle.

You have every right to set clear boundaries of what behavior you will allow yourself to be around. You can also tell him that if he chooses to go back on his medications that does not mean that you will take him back into your home.
Ultimately, it has to be your son's choice to stay on his medications and he needs to make the choice for himself, not just because he thinks he can manipulate you.

You did a nice thing for him and he did not appreciate it. It's time you do something nice for YOU!!

((HUGS))

 

[Deni D]

I hope that someday we are both proved wrong and they have turned the corner. We both love our sons and i choose to believe that it will happen .

Thanks Tired Mama, I’m starting to face the fact that most likely there will never be a corner for him. I feel like it’s kind of like peeling an onion. Eventually I guess I’ll get to the point where it won’t turn my world upside down for a few days after I’ve allowed him affect me and I’ll accept this mess is just him.

 

[Deni D]

For whatever reason, my son and perhaps yours are just stuck in the victim role.

Thanks Tanya, it’s just so sad and hurtful that he lives in such an alternate reality. He doesn’t even acknowledge his horrible behavior that leads up to the chaos he creates. I can’t have a discussion with him about it. He starts a discussion trying to be calm and rapidly becomes arrogant, demeaning and goes on an on with a very fast rat-a-tat diatribe of blame and victimhood you couldn’t respond to even if there were a thread of truth running through it, which there isn’t. I think he wants me to go to counseling with him because he figures he would “win” with his mouth because he leaves me speechless.

 

[Tanya M]

He starts a discussion trying to be calm and rapidly becomes arrogant, demeaning and goes on an on with a very fast rat-a-tat diatribe of blame and victimhood you couldn’t respond to even if there were a thread of truth running through it, which there isn’t.

My son is the same way. He can talk fast and in circles - leaves your head spinning!
I think with my son and perhaps others, it's as though by dominating the conversation they somehow think they are controlling the situation and us too.
I have learned over the years that my preferred method of communicating with my son is through private messages on Facebook. I do not like to engage in an actual talking conversation because it will always morph into some type of argument. Even in the private messages I have to be careful but at least that way I have time to truly process my response and when I've had enough I just say bye bye.
For each one of us as we journey along, we have to figure out what mode of "communication" will be best for us. A top priority for me is keeping my emotional health in check so when it comes to my son, I am always on my guard.
I love my son but I will never allow him to steal my peace of mind again.

 

[RN0441]

Not in the same boat as you ladies but just wanted to say I know how painful it is to NOT like your son. Not like them even one little bit.

I think it's possible to love and hate at the same time.

I remember thinking that I did not want my son anywhere near me. I did not want him around me. Ugh. I hate to even go there in my mind. You never think that will happen.

 

[Triedntrue]

Exactly why i wail for texts.

 

[Tanya M]

I think it's possible to love and hate at the same time.

I too believe there is truth to this. I never like to use the word hate but strong dislike, yes!
I have a mother's love for my son but I truly believe that if I were to meet in a different setting, I don't know that I would want to become friends with him. He and I are SOOOOOO different.