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ugh! difficult child upset
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 420503" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jena, it is hard but difficult child has to deal with it. You said the right things to her.</p><p></p><p>I wouldn't have told easy child she was being selfish, though. red rag to a bull. It should have been enough to simply say, "Your sister is hurting, please try, for her sake, to say a proper goodbye to her." And leave it at that. Because when you make "you" statements (such as "You are being selfish" or "you are doing the wrong thing") it can be too confrontational and trigger conflict. You can still express the same things as "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when you do this." It puts the ball in her court to accept responsibility for what she is doing, your message has a better chance of being heard. And your ultimate aim is to be heard, for her to take the information on board.</p><p></p><p>About the weird grandfather - I remember when I was a kid, a (actually very nice) neighbour of ours used to say things like that to me in jest. I was too young really to be able to respond appropriately. I understood him better when I was older, but as a little kid I was scared of him. In my case he would pretend to cry when I sat on his knee (he was pretending I was too heavy for him and hurting him) and it used to really confuse me and upset me. I was glad when the day came when I could explain that to him.</p><p></p><p>I would encourage difficult child to say to her grandfather directly, "Please don't keep asking me that. Whatever I answer it will not mean as much because you asked me. Wait until I say it all by myself." You shouldn't have to intercede here for her. She needs to learn to confront her own issues, although I understand at the moment she is still very fragile. Perhaps if you supported her in talking to her dad about it, stood by her while she says what needs to be said...</p><p></p><p>As for your (alleged) easy child - her relationship with her sister is her problem and her responsibility. Don't try to run interference. Stay out of it. I know it's hard to see difficult child hurting, but you didn't do it and you can't fix it. You shouldn't try. It will fix faster if you back away. The more easy child does the wrong thing now, the sooner she will come crashing down all by herself. And sadly, she needs to crash and burn, all by herself. She must not be able in any way to blame you when it happens.</p><p></p><p>Sit on your hands. Sew up your lips. And try to smile. Plan a pleasant family dinner or outing for Sunday to take your mind off the departure.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 420503, member: 1991"] Jena, it is hard but difficult child has to deal with it. You said the right things to her. I wouldn't have told easy child she was being selfish, though. red rag to a bull. It should have been enough to simply say, "Your sister is hurting, please try, for her sake, to say a proper goodbye to her." And leave it at that. Because when you make "you" statements (such as "You are being selfish" or "you are doing the wrong thing") it can be too confrontational and trigger conflict. You can still express the same things as "I" statements, such as "I feel sad when you do this." It puts the ball in her court to accept responsibility for what she is doing, your message has a better chance of being heard. And your ultimate aim is to be heard, for her to take the information on board. About the weird grandfather - I remember when I was a kid, a (actually very nice) neighbour of ours used to say things like that to me in jest. I was too young really to be able to respond appropriately. I understood him better when I was older, but as a little kid I was scared of him. In my case he would pretend to cry when I sat on his knee (he was pretending I was too heavy for him and hurting him) and it used to really confuse me and upset me. I was glad when the day came when I could explain that to him. I would encourage difficult child to say to her grandfather directly, "Please don't keep asking me that. Whatever I answer it will not mean as much because you asked me. Wait until I say it all by myself." You shouldn't have to intercede here for her. She needs to learn to confront her own issues, although I understand at the moment she is still very fragile. Perhaps if you supported her in talking to her dad about it, stood by her while she says what needs to be said... As for your (alleged) easy child - her relationship with her sister is her problem and her responsibility. Don't try to run interference. Stay out of it. I know it's hard to see difficult child hurting, but you didn't do it and you can't fix it. You shouldn't try. It will fix faster if you back away. The more easy child does the wrong thing now, the sooner she will come crashing down all by herself. And sadly, she needs to crash and burn, all by herself. She must not be able in any way to blame you when it happens. Sit on your hands. Sew up your lips. And try to smile. Plan a pleasant family dinner or outing for Sunday to take your mind off the departure. Marg [/QUOTE]
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