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Substance Abuse
Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....
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<blockquote data-quote="Mrs Smith" data-source="post: 59740" data-attributes="member: 3893"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body"></p><p></p><p>You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades.</p><p></p><p>One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again.</p><p></p><p>I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do.</p><p></p><p>Mikey </div></div></p><p></p><p>Mikey,</p><p>No, I don't mean "be his buddy", I mean be his temporary frontal lobe. And you're not presenting options or ultimatums anymore, it's wife's turn now so you're off the hook there. Don't lecture him but help him see how his choices now affect his life down the road. What are his dreams, his wishes for his future. Try to get a sense of where his reality is now and remind him gently that he can't be a child forever and soon he'll have to make some plans for his own future (even if you disapprove of his choices). Does he want to go to college or work after graduation? Or does he want to live in a tenement with his doper friends? Remind him that he'll need money to pay for his drugs. I guarantee that's not the picture in his head of his future. Help him see that he needs to think about life a little farther ahead than the weekend. Keep bringing him back to reality. Then maybe he'll begin to see the need to alter his course if he wants to accomplish the goals he sets for himself and live the image he has in his head of his future.</p><p></p><p>If you want him to open up to you, you have to talk less and listen more. Tease out this information and then remind him of his goals and the potential consequences of his actions when he is forced to make choices. And don't micromanage! Let him commit to a choice and suffer the consequences - and say no more about it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mrs Smith, post: 59740, member: 3893"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades. One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again. I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice. I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do. Mikey </div></div> Mikey, No, I don't mean "be his buddy", I mean be his temporary frontal lobe. And you're not presenting options or ultimatums anymore, it's wife's turn now so you're off the hook there. Don't lecture him but help him see how his choices now affect his life down the road. What are his dreams, his wishes for his future. Try to get a sense of where his reality is now and remind him gently that he can't be a child forever and soon he'll have to make some plans for his own future (even if you disapprove of his choices). Does he want to go to college or work after graduation? Or does he want to live in a tenement with his doper friends? Remind him that he'll need money to pay for his drugs. I guarantee that's not the picture in his head of his future. Help him see that he needs to think about life a little farther ahead than the weekend. Keep bringing him back to reality. Then maybe he'll begin to see the need to alter his course if he wants to accomplish the goals he sets for himself and live the image he has in his head of his future. If you want him to open up to you, you have to talk less and listen more. Tease out this information and then remind him of his goals and the potential consequences of his actions when he is forced to make choices. And don't micromanage! Let him commit to a choice and suffer the consequences - and say no more about it. [/QUOTE]
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