Unexpected Call

[JJJ]

My biofather wasn't very involved with us growing up. A few visits per year, he did pay child support regularly. He was remarried a couple of times and with wife #3 had two more girls. We lost touch with them all. My sister's home number is the only one they had. She just got a message from the younger girl. I called her back and left a message. Just so unexpected.

We have no interest in getting back in touch with our biodad, nor with rehashing anything from the past. But we are willing to meet her and our other half-sister. It will be interesting to see why she called.

 

[mstang67chic]

Maybe it's because I grew up an only child (my siblings are "half" and the oldest wasn't born until I was 17) but I would jump at a chance like this. I don't know...I guess I just can't imagine not knowing siblings that are out there. But like I said, that's just me.

Hopefully these girls respect your wishes, things go well and you all can develop a relationship based on each other and not the past.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Interesting...will be waiting to see what progresses.

beth

 

[Mattsmom277]

I hope you have a nice visit and it turns into a great experience. I have a half sister only a year older than my 10 year old easy child!!! I've only JUST been found by her (the little minx/sleuth found me about 2-3 months ago on facebook) and we've passed a few messages online and spoke briefly once by phone. I hope as she gets older that we develop a relationship. I will NEVER speak to our mutually shared sperm donor. Nor will I ever discuss him with her. But I hope to one day have her in my life as a sister, a close one. I'm smiling reading your thread

 

[Hound dog]

Proceed with caution.

I hope this is purely for good reasons.

Hugs

 

[nvts]

I agree with Lisa, walk softly and carry a BIG stick!

I do hope that it turns out to be a really great experience with the whole thing!

Beth

 

[Star*]

J3,

You know, I've often thought about this scenario in my head as I am adopted. I'm sure that everyone who is adopted has different thoughts in their head for different reasons as to why they would or wouldn't want to meet siblings, 1/2 siblings or step-siblings. As I got older my mood about it all and my opinons changed so much from when I was young.

When I was younger I looked at EVERY person, girl, woman, man, boy and wondered often - could it be them? One afternoon when I was 18 or so a young man came into the jewelery shop where I worked and wanted something engraved. He just stood there staring at me. It was weird, but not weird at the same time. As I engraved the item he picked out rather quickly - he said "I bet I can guess your birthday" and did. Then he said I bet you were born in Cleveland, and I was. I was 18, and stunned. I finished his item - got him to pay for it, and he said "Thanks." and as I asked him how he knew these things he just smiled and said something to the effect of "Becase I was too." and left. I never saw him again.

I don't know if it was a brother, a twin or what and I'll never know because as I said, the older I get - the less curious I am. I figure it's like my best friend my senior year in HS. I couldn't WAIT after 20 plus years to reunite with her. I was so excited just to get a call. We were like twins, thought the same, behaved the same, had the same values - going to change the world and all that. Then she called - we spent 1 hr. on the phone, planned to keep in touch and then I got the Christmas card. It wasn't really a Christmas card...it was like a religious advertisement, basically saying if I didn't do THIS...X would surely happen. After that? Anytime she sent a letter or card it was about zealous religion, do this, or this will happen and it just isn't my cup of tea. I wrote and told her this, but any card she sent in her mind was a way to convert me. I'm already sound in my faith so this was unnecessary. I've since lost touch. On purpose.

My point is...sometimes it takes MORE than one common thing albeit genes or whatever to link you to someone else. AND without a doubt there are others who would literally jump at the chance to reunite and that's okay too. I am more pessimistic by nature and I think - OMG what if a person knocks on my door and says "I've been looking for you I'm your brother, sister, cousin, birth Mom's friend." I would be polite but would decline to hook up and reminisce. I have a life - I like it without complications...I don't think it's something that I pine for - and even if I did meet them- would we have anything in common and would I want to know the history of my "Why was I put up for adoption?" Nah - too much baggage I've dealt with in therapy.

You on the other hand don't have that to deal with - but I guess the biggest question would be - "What could you possibly have in common, is this reunion going to be lasting or is it a Q.&A. session for someone's curiousities, how much of the past IS going to be dredged up - are you going to dredge it up out of guilt for a "lost soul" looking for answers?" I think you have a very tough decision on your hands and I would weigh your options carefully. Once you meet you can't un-meet. Then again, it could be a wonderful addition to your family having a couple of 1/2 sisters.

I feel for you. I'm envious of Becky who would jump at the chance to meet siblings and has that entire good heart of love for those she hasn't met. I think that is a beautiful part of her. Just think this through - I'm sure you will.

Hugs
Star

 

[JJJ]

She called back. Spermdonor is still married to her mom. Slightly impressed that it has lasted 24 years. I think a big part of it was he had a major financial downturn and probably couldn't afford to be a swinging bachelor again. (cynical, I know).

She was 7 years old the last time we saw her. The older girl was 8.

It sounds like she is curious and perhaps interested in seeing if she has more in common with us as sisters as the two of them seem to be very different people. She was always the one that clung to me when we saw them.

We've decided to tell her that we would like to get to know them but that we have no interest in reconnecting with her father nor in discussing events that took place before she was born or when she was very young. That we will not ask her to keep finding us secret but if she tells him, she needs to convey that we are not interested in talking to him.

The reality is that he left when I was 5 (and my sisters even younger). On a good year, he would visit 4 times, but often just twice. The first few years he would schedule visits, demand my mother not feed us as he was taking us to dinner but then he either would show up at bedtime or not at all. When the new girls were born, we made an effort to get to know them but he was a jerk. He all but demanded we visit them at least once a month. (Really, he wanted us to drive home from college to visit them 400% more often than he visited his own children; more often than we got to our own home to see each other and our mom) We kept in touch thinking that he would divorce wife #3 and we would keep contact with her and the girls but it got to be too much.

I hope he was a good father to them, but he wasn't to us and we do not owe him a thing. There was never a big blow-up. We just faded away, we stopped calling and after one "poor me" letter, he never tried to contact us again.

Still feeling weird,