T
toughlovin
Guest
Hi all, Well it is good to be logged in here. So I hope you all missed me. My husband, daughter and I
went on a wonderful vacation to Europe. I decided before I left that I really needed a break from work
and from the worries about my difficult child and the best way to relax was to really unplug, not check email, not check this board to kind of just take a break. I really had a wonderful time with husband and my daughter.... although my son did not make it easy for me to stop worrying about him!!! Impossible in fact but I have come far enough that I was able to keep the worry in its place and still have fun and relax..... So now
to him...
The day we were leaving he called me in the morning to tell me he was arrested the night before and did I have time to go to court with him. Holy Moly. Well I went to his arraignment. I thought they might hold him since this arrest was clearly a violation of probation but they didn't. I did decide to get him a
lawyer because truly I do not trust the court system to do the right thing with only a court appointed
atty. I decided if he ends up in jail fine, but I don't want to have regrets because he was not well
represented.
I did talk to his girlfriend at court (he was arrested for supposedly causing property damage at her house or
something and possibly trying to break in). I like her and she likes me. I was very disturbed by the
things she said because it sounds really like he is abusive. That kind of just horrifies me to be honest.
Anyway she does not want to get him in trouble or see him go to jail....but it wasn't up to her because there were other people there.
So he was released and i drove him to where he was staying and said goodbye. Then I came home and
ran around like a crazy woman packing and getting ready to go. What a way to start a 3 week vacation overseas huh?
Several days into the trip I got a text from him asking about homeless shelters. I called him and the
apartment he thought he had fell through. He had no place to live and no place to go. We had made it clear he could not come here and it was quite a distance from where he was staying. So I worried about my son being homeless. One day we were up on this beautiful mountain with a lake on one side and
mountains on the other. I was walking along by myself on this ridge, stewing a bit and yet it was so
peaceful. I thought about what I have learned here and in alanon and I just realized that he needs to hit bottom, that I need to just let that happen, that is his only hope. Nancy I thought about you and
thought maybe this will finally be what it takes for him!! I felt peace with that and it helped me just let
it go. This is his life and he needs to figure it out. I think the fact that we were so far away was helpful too because really there was nothing I could do.
He was a little but not too communicative the rest of the trip which worried me a bit but did not get in
my way of having a good time.
When we landed I got 3 text messages from him. One asked when we were getting back. One said he
needed to meet with us to help him figure out how to get his life on track, and the last one said he had
found a possible sober house to go to.
We also got a message that he had probably been staying at our house some from someone else. So I called him and asked him directly about that. He did admit he had stayed here... he had to walk about 15 miles to get here and it took him two days, including sleeping at a train stop and in a playground. He also claims to have slept some in our back yard and some woods. I asked him right out if he took anything and he said no but said he did eat a lot of the food. So when we got home it looks like he did eat a lot from the freezer but there was no damage anywhere or anything missing (phew). I don't care about the food, I want him to eat. I was bothered that he stayed here but also kind of relieved. I had been
worried about him during the hurricaine.
So he was waiting for a phone call back from the sober living place. We agreed to help him get a motel room that night which we did. He looked so down and out I felt really bad for him. The next day he
finally got in touch with the sober living place and I drove him there (and gave him a check for the rent). But he made all the arrangements, talked to them, picked the place etc. I didn't even go into meet them. I feel like this has to be his thing, his choice, his path.
I did look the place up on line and it does look like a good place. They have strict rules which are spelled out. He has to attend 3 AA meetings a week, there are 6 or 12 step meetings held at the house a week.They drug test them weekly including random tests. I asked difficult child how many places he called and he said about 10... some didn't have openings and some didn't see like they knew what they were doing. This
place was the only place that had house meetings. The place looks good, is not far from us and is in a town with a lot of businesses and possible places to work and some public transportation which is all
good.
I wish I could talk to the place but I really feel at this point that mom needs to stay out of it... he needs to do this on his own and we can be there when he asks. I have agreed to pay the rent but told him he will need to start paying and he agreed but he has to get a job first.
So it has been a roller coaster ride but I am feeling hopeful at the moment. I know that could change
any time but I think the fact that he got to this place on his own and found the place is huge. Now I
suspect his motivation was more about not being homeless than being sober but I do think he knows he doesn't want to live the life of a homeless person.
So like I said I am hopeful and I just hope now that he has gotten this far they don't throw him in jail at his next court date!!!!
TL
went on a wonderful vacation to Europe. I decided before I left that I really needed a break from work
and from the worries about my difficult child and the best way to relax was to really unplug, not check email, not check this board to kind of just take a break. I really had a wonderful time with husband and my daughter.... although my son did not make it easy for me to stop worrying about him!!! Impossible in fact but I have come far enough that I was able to keep the worry in its place and still have fun and relax..... So now
to him...
The day we were leaving he called me in the morning to tell me he was arrested the night before and did I have time to go to court with him. Holy Moly. Well I went to his arraignment. I thought they might hold him since this arrest was clearly a violation of probation but they didn't. I did decide to get him a
lawyer because truly I do not trust the court system to do the right thing with only a court appointed
atty. I decided if he ends up in jail fine, but I don't want to have regrets because he was not well
represented.
I did talk to his girlfriend at court (he was arrested for supposedly causing property damage at her house or
something and possibly trying to break in). I like her and she likes me. I was very disturbed by the
things she said because it sounds really like he is abusive. That kind of just horrifies me to be honest.
Anyway she does not want to get him in trouble or see him go to jail....but it wasn't up to her because there were other people there.
So he was released and i drove him to where he was staying and said goodbye. Then I came home and
ran around like a crazy woman packing and getting ready to go. What a way to start a 3 week vacation overseas huh?
Several days into the trip I got a text from him asking about homeless shelters. I called him and the
apartment he thought he had fell through. He had no place to live and no place to go. We had made it clear he could not come here and it was quite a distance from where he was staying. So I worried about my son being homeless. One day we were up on this beautiful mountain with a lake on one side and
mountains on the other. I was walking along by myself on this ridge, stewing a bit and yet it was so
peaceful. I thought about what I have learned here and in alanon and I just realized that he needs to hit bottom, that I need to just let that happen, that is his only hope. Nancy I thought about you and
thought maybe this will finally be what it takes for him!! I felt peace with that and it helped me just let
it go. This is his life and he needs to figure it out. I think the fact that we were so far away was helpful too because really there was nothing I could do.
He was a little but not too communicative the rest of the trip which worried me a bit but did not get in
my way of having a good time.
When we landed I got 3 text messages from him. One asked when we were getting back. One said he
needed to meet with us to help him figure out how to get his life on track, and the last one said he had
found a possible sober house to go to.
We also got a message that he had probably been staying at our house some from someone else. So I called him and asked him directly about that. He did admit he had stayed here... he had to walk about 15 miles to get here and it took him two days, including sleeping at a train stop and in a playground. He also claims to have slept some in our back yard and some woods. I asked him right out if he took anything and he said no but said he did eat a lot of the food. So when we got home it looks like he did eat a lot from the freezer but there was no damage anywhere or anything missing (phew). I don't care about the food, I want him to eat. I was bothered that he stayed here but also kind of relieved. I had been
worried about him during the hurricaine.
So he was waiting for a phone call back from the sober living place. We agreed to help him get a motel room that night which we did. He looked so down and out I felt really bad for him. The next day he
finally got in touch with the sober living place and I drove him there (and gave him a check for the rent). But he made all the arrangements, talked to them, picked the place etc. I didn't even go into meet them. I feel like this has to be his thing, his choice, his path.
I did look the place up on line and it does look like a good place. They have strict rules which are spelled out. He has to attend 3 AA meetings a week, there are 6 or 12 step meetings held at the house a week.They drug test them weekly including random tests. I asked difficult child how many places he called and he said about 10... some didn't have openings and some didn't see like they knew what they were doing. This
place was the only place that had house meetings. The place looks good, is not far from us and is in a town with a lot of businesses and possible places to work and some public transportation which is all
good.
I wish I could talk to the place but I really feel at this point that mom needs to stay out of it... he needs to do this on his own and we can be there when he asks. I have agreed to pay the rent but told him he will need to start paying and he agreed but he has to get a job first.
So it has been a roller coaster ride but I am feeling hopeful at the moment. I know that could change
any time but I think the fact that he got to this place on his own and found the place is huge. Now I
suspect his motivation was more about not being homeless than being sober but I do think he knows he doesn't want to live the life of a homeless person.
So like I said I am hopeful and I just hope now that he has gotten this far they don't throw him in jail at his next court date!!!!
TL