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update on controlling the teenager........
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 127342" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jen, </p><p></p><p>If I had a nickel for every time I heard my son utter those famous teen-tween lines about how miserable I made him, his life, his dog, the air he breathes, the sun, the moon, the stars are all outta whack because I just dont get it?</p><p></p><p>I could be having quite a nice vacation somewhere without my kid. And I would go in a minute. </p><p></p><p>I've been though counseling and honestly? I dont' know how any one can parent a kid like ours without a support system of some type. Don't worry about the medications. If you aren't comfortable taking them - then don't. If you can deal with your situation unmedicated - then more power to ya sister! When difficult child was at his worst I did take some anti-depressants. I made sure I got the kind that were not addicting, except Paxil - no one told me if you got poor quick you couldn't quit without them - I thought I was going to die. But I made it. </p><p></p><p>I think sometimes we all forget how hard living in a blended family can be. There are just no easy answers to dealing with young difficult child's in the same house as older teens and tweens, and his ex wife, him - your job, stress of money, bills everyday things. </p><p></p><p>It has always (don't know the exact word i'm looking for) amazed me about women who have a loving, devoted husband, two very well dressed kids, who go to the best schools, they live in a 20 room house, both drive the car of the year and have friends, family and resources at the ready - yet they appear gossipy and miserable. Astounding is more like it. Then I think - well there I am with MY situation - i have a loving devoted fiance, my kid is dressed okay, he goes to GED classes 2 days a week, I live in a 12 room home, I drive the car of 1990, have my friends here, and family 600 miles away. - I think I'm luckier than they are, but i still get miserable about my situation. I get miserable because it's my life and I can get down if I want. </p><p></p><p>I try to remain positive. If for no other reason that so my kid sees me and how I handle the situation because I know he will at some point imitate me. He'll imitate my actions, he's already imitating my sense of humor. (oh that's scary huh?), and while they mature and develop their own little personalities - I have found there is give and take in every year of his life. When he was 9 - I would have put him on a boat to Indonesia, and not thought about a thing. At 17 he's more polite with his mouth and outloud thinking, but he's still LARGELY a difficult child. I think Fran says all the time " This too shall pass." and so I wait. </p><p></p><p>In the mean time? I have tried to educate myself any and every where that I could. By coming here, by reading books or borrowing tapes, by watching parenting videos on conflict resolution and by doing a home study type deal on something called Effective Communication. I think you can down load it from the web. It is like a guide to teach you how to talk to your children. Not talk down to them, not just talk at them and solve little - but it's like the secret code of talking to all people. </p><p></p><p>And the other thing I think that we all forget at times is that you can't change a behavior in a week, a month or a year. You can't change it with medication, you can't even change it with therapy - but combine all the resources you have, place them in front of yourself and your kids - and you may end up in 10 years or so with a child who has a chance to succeed at a semi-normal life. I set my sons goal on 15 years when he was about 7 = so I am literally hoping that by the time he's 23 - We'll see some major improvements to the point where he can live on his own and get by on his own. </p><p></p><p>Keep going to therapy - it's the best gift you can give your kids (to be well) , and don't worry about the humor. I think everyone I know is a little twisted. You do what you have to to get through each day one minute at a time. I think what you did last night for your daughter was phenominal. You did not allow her to control you or the situation. And these kids very much like to win. Even today my son will say "Well you won that argument didn't you?" and there was never an argument - I'm the parent, I set the rules, you were up at 10:35 and bedtime is 10:30 - so check my rules and consequences list - and now you loose 1 hr of your tv time tomorrow. AND you still go to bed, because if you are 15 minutes late - there will be 2 hours of tv time gone and no skating on saturday. </p><p></p><p>We've been through months were difficult child thought "Well I'll show them" and we didn't go anywhere.....and neither did he. Then we got to the point where his consequences were keeping us from having a life - so we got a sitter and went out and had a little time for us. </p><p></p><p>Keep up the good work = with redirects, and standing your ground and NEVER EVER let em see you sweat or get angry - I tell myself every time - that is EXACTLY what he wants. And when he doesnt' get me all twisted - he goes higher and higher until I finally just look and say "Oh that's a consequence." and walk away. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p><p></p><p>Hope you're having a better day today. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 127342, member: 4964"] Jen, If I had a nickel for every time I heard my son utter those famous teen-tween lines about how miserable I made him, his life, his dog, the air he breathes, the sun, the moon, the stars are all outta whack because I just dont get it? I could be having quite a nice vacation somewhere without my kid. And I would go in a minute. I've been though counseling and honestly? I dont' know how any one can parent a kid like ours without a support system of some type. Don't worry about the medications. If you aren't comfortable taking them - then don't. If you can deal with your situation unmedicated - then more power to ya sister! When difficult child was at his worst I did take some anti-depressants. I made sure I got the kind that were not addicting, except Paxil - no one told me if you got poor quick you couldn't quit without them - I thought I was going to die. But I made it. I think sometimes we all forget how hard living in a blended family can be. There are just no easy answers to dealing with young difficult child's in the same house as older teens and tweens, and his ex wife, him - your job, stress of money, bills everyday things. It has always (don't know the exact word i'm looking for) amazed me about women who have a loving, devoted husband, two very well dressed kids, who go to the best schools, they live in a 20 room house, both drive the car of the year and have friends, family and resources at the ready - yet they appear gossipy and miserable. Astounding is more like it. Then I think - well there I am with MY situation - i have a loving devoted fiance, my kid is dressed okay, he goes to GED classes 2 days a week, I live in a 12 room home, I drive the car of 1990, have my friends here, and family 600 miles away. - I think I'm luckier than they are, but i still get miserable about my situation. I get miserable because it's my life and I can get down if I want. I try to remain positive. If for no other reason that so my kid sees me and how I handle the situation because I know he will at some point imitate me. He'll imitate my actions, he's already imitating my sense of humor. (oh that's scary huh?), and while they mature and develop their own little personalities - I have found there is give and take in every year of his life. When he was 9 - I would have put him on a boat to Indonesia, and not thought about a thing. At 17 he's more polite with his mouth and outloud thinking, but he's still LARGELY a difficult child. I think Fran says all the time " This too shall pass." and so I wait. In the mean time? I have tried to educate myself any and every where that I could. By coming here, by reading books or borrowing tapes, by watching parenting videos on conflict resolution and by doing a home study type deal on something called Effective Communication. I think you can down load it from the web. It is like a guide to teach you how to talk to your children. Not talk down to them, not just talk at them and solve little - but it's like the secret code of talking to all people. And the other thing I think that we all forget at times is that you can't change a behavior in a week, a month or a year. You can't change it with medication, you can't even change it with therapy - but combine all the resources you have, place them in front of yourself and your kids - and you may end up in 10 years or so with a child who has a chance to succeed at a semi-normal life. I set my sons goal on 15 years when he was about 7 = so I am literally hoping that by the time he's 23 - We'll see some major improvements to the point where he can live on his own and get by on his own. Keep going to therapy - it's the best gift you can give your kids (to be well) , and don't worry about the humor. I think everyone I know is a little twisted. You do what you have to to get through each day one minute at a time. I think what you did last night for your daughter was phenominal. You did not allow her to control you or the situation. And these kids very much like to win. Even today my son will say "Well you won that argument didn't you?" and there was never an argument - I'm the parent, I set the rules, you were up at 10:35 and bedtime is 10:30 - so check my rules and consequences list - and now you loose 1 hr of your tv time tomorrow. AND you still go to bed, because if you are 15 minutes late - there will be 2 hours of tv time gone and no skating on saturday. We've been through months were difficult child thought "Well I'll show them" and we didn't go anywhere.....and neither did he. Then we got to the point where his consequences were keeping us from having a life - so we got a sitter and went out and had a little time for us. Keep up the good work = with redirects, and standing your ground and NEVER EVER let em see you sweat or get angry - I tell myself every time - that is EXACTLY what he wants. And when he doesnt' get me all twisted - he goes higher and higher until I finally just look and say "Oh that's a consequence." and walk away. :raspberry-tounge: Hope you're having a better day today. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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