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Update on difficult child, he is now living with birth mom and family
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 436198" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Nancy, </p><p> </p><p>The "fit" part - is the searching for the THING that you think is missing in your life that says 'you don't belong here, with this family, these are not YOUR people, these are not YOUR kin, not YOUR blood, not YOUR ways, not your skin color, not your hair type, not your eye shape, not your face shape, not your body height, not your nose, your ears, your laugh, your walk, your anything." I wanted to identify with SOMETHING with THEM so badly and didn't know that at all, and subconsciosly told myself none of that matters. Deep down in my mind? It keeps on and on and on until it just about makes you mad. Angry mad like a voice inside your head that you can't shut up, and crazy mad because you can't hear the voice but something is just nagging at you and you don't know what. I can't really explain it much better. And that was just one aspect for me. From time to time I would have someone say "OH you look just like your Mother and I would spend hours in the mirror thinking about my Mother, or my Father, or my Grandmother, or did I look like my Aunt. YOU know who you look like, where you came from, what mannerisms people say "Oh that Nancy she's just like her XX, or Oh that Nancy she has her Fathers nose, or Nancy? She draws just like her Mother, or NANCY! She's got a voice like her Grandmother - she was an opera singer you know! but me? It took a lot of work and acceptance personally to say "I'm an artist just like my Father was - he had beautiful handwriting, and it took me years to write like him, or my Mother loves nature and I got my love of being out doors and ease of handling snakes and rats because of her - and oddly enough she can't stand them." Or to tell you and I wish you had been at Bob Evans that day more than anything and met me and my Mom - "This is my little Mom - because next to her? I'm gigantic. and now? I'm okay with that......because if you saw pictures of my Dad? He was Native American and I resemble him and his side of the family because occasionally someone in my childhood would meet us and say the dreaded words - WOW you don't look anything like your Mom - and that used to devastate me and the "I don't fit" would reset and start all over again even if I would say NAH didn't bother me. </p><p> </p><p>When I went through therapy I was really surprised to find out all these things in my life - and a lot of my childhood insecurities stemmed back to all these anger issues because of these things I'm telling you about now. I had rage like you can't imagine. sometimes? I acted out. Sometimes I just swallowed it. It caused me to make a lot of poor choices in my life - I never knew why. But after I KNEW why? It changed me, my attitude, my life, my choices - my everything. Once I figured out I DID fit? I fit EVERYWHERE....ANYWHERE I wanted to? I was really okay with all of it. The anger went away, it was like a light went on in my head....and I just had peace. The voice that kept telling me subconsciously all this stuff - left. I don't know if it was all the talking or the coming face to face with it - or the EMDR therapy - or all of it - but I know that when I hear of adopted kids who are acting out? Angry - and just off the charts then able to apologize? That was me. My temper was so bad, so scary I would black out. Literally - not figuratively and the older I got the worse it became. It's why I allowed a lot of things in my life (abuse ) to happen. Sounds nuts - but it was nuts to me too. it was like one bad mistake after another after another and I swear there was a cloud over just my head. Now I don't think like that, and If I could? I would send every adopted kid I know to this therapist I saw...or at least A therapist...to talk about the fact that you arent' nuts - the voices? You aren't imagining things - it's your subconscious.....and you do belong you just have to understand the worth of yourself and in order to do that? You have to go back - layer by layer in your years - until you get to the beginning...and to do that? You need a good therapist you trust and can and will work with that understands and has worked with adoptee issues and adopted kids. No matter HOW old they are. You just have to trust whomever you work with and be brave because it's not easy to do. It hurts a lot and its going to bring up a LOT of emotions that are a whole lot easier to keep locked away or drink away or drug yourself away on than to unlock and deal with - but once dealt with? It's phenominal and better than anything you can imagine. It's very freeing. Almost like flying. Hope that explains it a little better. And I hope and pray someone is working with your girl and Natalies son soon ----I think once they do? Different kids. No drugs ----Just my opinion but ......thinking out loud.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 436198, member: 4964"] Nancy, The "fit" part - is the searching for the THING that you think is missing in your life that says 'you don't belong here, with this family, these are not YOUR people, these are not YOUR kin, not YOUR blood, not YOUR ways, not your skin color, not your hair type, not your eye shape, not your face shape, not your body height, not your nose, your ears, your laugh, your walk, your anything." I wanted to identify with SOMETHING with THEM so badly and didn't know that at all, and subconsciosly told myself none of that matters. Deep down in my mind? It keeps on and on and on until it just about makes you mad. Angry mad like a voice inside your head that you can't shut up, and crazy mad because you can't hear the voice but something is just nagging at you and you don't know what. I can't really explain it much better. And that was just one aspect for me. From time to time I would have someone say "OH you look just like your Mother and I would spend hours in the mirror thinking about my Mother, or my Father, or my Grandmother, or did I look like my Aunt. YOU know who you look like, where you came from, what mannerisms people say "Oh that Nancy she's just like her XX, or Oh that Nancy she has her Fathers nose, or Nancy? She draws just like her Mother, or NANCY! She's got a voice like her Grandmother - she was an opera singer you know! but me? It took a lot of work and acceptance personally to say "I'm an artist just like my Father was - he had beautiful handwriting, and it took me years to write like him, or my Mother loves nature and I got my love of being out doors and ease of handling snakes and rats because of her - and oddly enough she can't stand them." Or to tell you and I wish you had been at Bob Evans that day more than anything and met me and my Mom - "This is my little Mom - because next to her? I'm gigantic. and now? I'm okay with that......because if you saw pictures of my Dad? He was Native American and I resemble him and his side of the family because occasionally someone in my childhood would meet us and say the dreaded words - WOW you don't look anything like your Mom - and that used to devastate me and the "I don't fit" would reset and start all over again even if I would say NAH didn't bother me. When I went through therapy I was really surprised to find out all these things in my life - and a lot of my childhood insecurities stemmed back to all these anger issues because of these things I'm telling you about now. I had rage like you can't imagine. sometimes? I acted out. Sometimes I just swallowed it. It caused me to make a lot of poor choices in my life - I never knew why. But after I KNEW why? It changed me, my attitude, my life, my choices - my everything. Once I figured out I DID fit? I fit EVERYWHERE....ANYWHERE I wanted to? I was really okay with all of it. The anger went away, it was like a light went on in my head....and I just had peace. The voice that kept telling me subconsciously all this stuff - left. I don't know if it was all the talking or the coming face to face with it - or the EMDR therapy - or all of it - but I know that when I hear of adopted kids who are acting out? Angry - and just off the charts then able to apologize? That was me. My temper was so bad, so scary I would black out. Literally - not figuratively and the older I got the worse it became. It's why I allowed a lot of things in my life (abuse ) to happen. Sounds nuts - but it was nuts to me too. it was like one bad mistake after another after another and I swear there was a cloud over just my head. Now I don't think like that, and If I could? I would send every adopted kid I know to this therapist I saw...or at least A therapist...to talk about the fact that you arent' nuts - the voices? You aren't imagining things - it's your subconscious.....and you do belong you just have to understand the worth of yourself and in order to do that? You have to go back - layer by layer in your years - until you get to the beginning...and to do that? You need a good therapist you trust and can and will work with that understands and has worked with adoptee issues and adopted kids. No matter HOW old they are. You just have to trust whomever you work with and be brave because it's not easy to do. It hurts a lot and its going to bring up a LOT of emotions that are a whole lot easier to keep locked away or drink away or drug yourself away on than to unlock and deal with - but once dealt with? It's phenominal and better than anything you can imagine. It's very freeing. Almost like flying. Hope that explains it a little better. And I hope and pray someone is working with your girl and Natalies son soon ----I think once they do? Different kids. No drugs ----Just my opinion but ......thinking out loud. [/QUOTE]
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Update on difficult child, he is now living with birth mom and family
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