Update on difficult child, he is now living with birth mom and family

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by natalieoh, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Hi dearest friends,

    This site has been my lifeline since 2002. I don't know how to thank you all for the love, support, and friendship here. .

    Since I last posted a few days ago, difficult child was evicted from his apartment. He totally demolished everything. The dresser that we let him use, his two guitars, the refrigerator, pulled the thermostat out of the wall, tore legs off of chairs and on and on and on.

    Since he called me such horrid names, he took them back. Yeah he apologized again. When he realized he now had no money, no apartment and no girlfriend. He did lose it. Even became suicidal. Since we have been close to his birthmom who lives in another state, he decided he wanted to go there. He had visited her years ago and has stayed in some contact off and on through the years.

    His going there just feels soooo very right to me. He has two brothers who will look out for him. His birthmom is also a warrior mom. She is a no nonsense person who is already telling him the way it's going to be. I have cried for two days straight realizing that he simply can't live in our city anymore. There are awful teens who want him dead and people so angry at him that they'd harm him if they could.

    My husband and I have been disowned and wished dead, sworn at, not one door nor wall in our home hasn't had a hole in it. He's stolen from us, threw away my wedding ring and anniversary ring and on and on. Yet I have loved him as if he was a easy child. I now realize love is truly blind.

    Oh we saw this through the years. After oodles of therapists and two stays in residential and two in an IOP nothing, but nothing has helped. No medications soften this and it doesn't help that he is marijuana addicted either.

    Funny how over the years I never, ever thought about what I got out of our relationship, because he showed me so rarely that he cared. Love is blind. and I love him now as much as ever.

    So we will heal, rest, and pamper the heck out of ourselves right now. Yes difficult child and I will be in contact and so will his birthmom and I. But now, I am living safely in my home and community without fear of harm, police calls and threats to our home, yet a part of me is very empty.

    Hopefully, the healing can begin, and oh, Star, I have an appointment with a new female therapist!

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow Natalie, such a lot has happened in the past few days. I too think this is the best arrangement for all concerned. Of course you still love him. But he has some issues that prevent him form loving you back. I guess this is the ultimate test of unconditional love. I am thrilled that you will finally have some peace in your home and you and husband can now begin to look towards your future instead of trying to clean up his messes.

    I will be calling you next week for lunch. We can meet at Beachwood Place maybe and sit and talk.

  3. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Nancy I'd love it. Even somewhere closer to you. I am out of town from Wed thru Friday next week so the following one is better. Love you my friend and thank you for your support and words of wisdom. I'll call Sunday so we can at least get a date on the books!
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Certainly sounds like a better path forward for him and all of you. I am glad you hear the relief in your voice. Pamper yourselves for sure!!

    Wishing you the best!
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Best of luck being sent to all of you. Hugs. DDD
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    As an adoptee from Ohio.....? I say let him go. I can only imagine the pain that is going through you right now, and I am so sad, so very sad for your Mommy heart. Maybe someday, sometime we'll have a chance to sit and talk about what I went through in my head as an adopted kid. I've done my best over the years to explain it to other Moms, from my point of view in hopes that I guess - someones heart could understand that it's not anything that you did or didn't do, love given or not given. But there is a 'something' inside some of us that is like an invisible, unknown, unheard, unconcsious voice and it makes us literally nuts. Genetics play a huge roll in all of the crazy bits, but I swear to you until I was in my thirties? If you had asked me if I felt like I was dropped here from a distant land and didn't fit anywhere, with anyone? I would have nodded yes and meant it. It wasn't that I did not have good parents, I had GREAT parents. It wasn't that I did not love them - I adored them- they were fantastic, but something just nags and naggs at you saying "You do not fit" and it's like a rivers course to change what is in your head that you can't put your finger on and then you get stupid thoughts, and ----well like I said some day I'll try to sit and tell you about it. I can tell you - your boy? He does love you. I know that's little to nothing about how you feel about it right now coming from me. He's just really lost, and thinks this will put it ALL in perspective. I doubt that it will. He's thinking brothers are going to make it right, talking to his BM is going to answer all the questions he's had for so long - and while it may - he is still going to have a LOT of years and layers of garbage to work through - emotional junk. He's going to need help to work through it. I hope she suggests counseling for him because he is really going to need it now more than ever. Now he'll have the answers - he just won't know where to put them in perspective to the questions. That may be even worse. And those brothers? Could be good, or bad. He hasn't known them all his life - he's got your ways, your thinking, your logic.....your traditions. It's going to be tough for him. It may or may not be a fit. These are his brothers but not people he's known all his life.

    My son found that out the hard way with his biodad and family. He kept thinking "OH if I meet them they will treat me like a long lost family member and I will be loved and adored and held up on a pedestal" - and well - that lasted all of about 3 hours until everyone basically got to see him 15 years after we fled the scene. Then? Then it was business for them as usual. their life, their problems their arguments, and there really wasn't a place for him - he didn't fit. Our values didn't meld well. He thinks they're all werid, and selfish, and crazy. ORLY? Yeah.......well that could be why I left in the first place. NOT? (ye think?) I mean they had no values - so yeah - go with that. DUH.

    Anyway - I'm glad to see that you will have some peace. Enjoy it........but don't be surprised if he's back sooner than you think. Maybe if his BM can talk him into counseling? This can be a win win for him and he can understand it all - for his sake and get the best of both worlds. My hats off to you - You're a great woman - and a phenominal Mother. You've proven that with your love. He's a lucky boy to have you as his Mom. And I'm glad you got your counselor. You deserve someone just for you. You need to know and appreaciate about you - what I already know and appreciate about you!!!!! And mean it!

    Hugs & Love
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star, interesting what you say about "fit". When we took difficult child for a comprehensive evaluation by the psychiatric team at the Cleveland Clinic, they told us she didn't "fit" with the family. At the time I didn't understand what they were saying and was quite offended. Over the years I have realized that is how our difficult child felt all along.

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It is good you know he is with someone who will care about him and that you have the time and space to heal. Being a mom isn't easy and often doesn't make sense in a strictly logical way. It is amazing to be a mom because you get to experience love like you had no clue could exist, regardless of how hard to handle/raise/love you child is.

    I hope that all of you can heal and grow. He iwll come back to you at some point, if he can.
  9. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Again, thank you so much for all of your support and warmth. It is like medicine going on my heart. Star once again you have a lot of understanding. I copied most of what you posted so I can think about it over time. I am currently setting limits on myself in terms of not allowing myself to think about difficult child until a set time later each day. Helps to not cry all the time so it helps. Ladies, have a wonderful weekend, and again I am most grateful for your kindness and taking the time to offer your support.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    The "fit" part - is the searching for the THING that you think is missing in your life that says 'you don't belong here, with this family, these are not YOUR people, these are not YOUR kin, not YOUR blood, not YOUR ways, not your skin color, not your hair type, not your eye shape, not your face shape, not your body height, not your nose, your ears, your laugh, your walk, your anything." I wanted to identify with SOMETHING with THEM so badly and didn't know that at all, and subconsciosly told myself none of that matters. Deep down in my mind? It keeps on and on and on until it just about makes you mad. Angry mad like a voice inside your head that you can't shut up, and crazy mad because you can't hear the voice but something is just nagging at you and you don't know what. I can't really explain it much better. And that was just one aspect for me. From time to time I would have someone say "OH you look just like your Mother and I would spend hours in the mirror thinking about my Mother, or my Father, or my Grandmother, or did I look like my Aunt. YOU know who you look like, where you came from, what mannerisms people say "Oh that Nancy she's just like her XX, or Oh that Nancy she has her Fathers nose, or Nancy? She draws just like her Mother, or NANCY! She's got a voice like her Grandmother - she was an opera singer you know! but me? It took a lot of work and acceptance personally to say "I'm an artist just like my Father was - he had beautiful handwriting, and it took me years to write like him, or my Mother loves nature and I got my love of being out doors and ease of handling snakes and rats because of her - and oddly enough she can't stand them." Or to tell you and I wish you had been at Bob Evans that day more than anything and met me and my Mom - "This is my little Mom - because next to her? I'm gigantic. and now? I'm okay with that......because if you saw pictures of my Dad? He was Native American and I resemble him and his side of the family because occasionally someone in my childhood would meet us and say the dreaded words - WOW you don't look anything like your Mom - and that used to devastate me and the "I don't fit" would reset and start all over again even if I would say NAH didn't bother me.

    When I went through therapy I was really surprised to find out all these things in my life - and a lot of my childhood insecurities stemmed back to all these anger issues because of these things I'm telling you about now. I had rage like you can't imagine. sometimes? I acted out. Sometimes I just swallowed it. It caused me to make a lot of poor choices in my life - I never knew why. But after I KNEW why? It changed me, my attitude, my life, my choices - my everything. Once I figured out I DID fit? I fit EVERYWHERE....ANYWHERE I wanted to? I was really okay with all of it. The anger went away, it was like a light went on in my head....and I just had peace. The voice that kept telling me subconsciously all this stuff - left. I don't know if it was all the talking or the coming face to face with it - or the EMDR therapy - or all of it - but I know that when I hear of adopted kids who are acting out? Angry - and just off the charts then able to apologize? That was me. My temper was so bad, so scary I would black out. Literally - not figuratively and the older I got the worse it became. It's why I allowed a lot of things in my life (abuse ) to happen. Sounds nuts - but it was nuts to me too. it was like one bad mistake after another after another and I swear there was a cloud over just my head. Now I don't think like that, and If I could? I would send every adopted kid I know to this therapist I saw...or at least A therapist...to talk about the fact that you arent' nuts - the voices? You aren't imagining things - it's your subconscious.....and you do belong you just have to understand the worth of yourself and in order to do that? You have to go back - layer by layer in your years - until you get to the beginning...and to do that? You need a good therapist you trust and can and will work with that understands and has worked with adoptee issues and adopted kids. No matter HOW old they are. You just have to trust whomever you work with and be brave because it's not easy to do. It hurts a lot and its going to bring up a LOT of emotions that are a whole lot easier to keep locked away or drink away or drug yourself away on than to unlock and deal with - but once dealt with? It's phenominal and better than anything you can imagine. It's very freeing. Almost like flying. Hope that explains it a little better. And I hope and pray someone is working with your girl and Natalies son soon ----I think once they do? Different kids. No drugs ----Just my opinion but ......thinking out loud.
  11. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I'm not adopted but I can imagine that feeling of not knowing, not fitting and being haunted by it... In fact, I think sometimes children don't "fit" with their biological parents either, but that's another story. It's one of the reasons I have a perpetual inner debate going on about whether it was right to take my Moroccan son out of Morocco, introducing him to a whole new level of "not fitting"... And why I also think that we may well end up going back to live there... Cultural identity seems important.
    What you say about finding that you could fit everywhere, anywhere, Star - that seems important too. I feel like, as the mother of an adopted child, it's part of my duty to give my son that sense that, while he might have been born to an unknown mother and then "abandoned", who he is, in and of himself, is precious and has absolutely every right to be. The world is so tragic in the limitations it places on our thinking, our seeing... we are all children of god, and we all have a place and a role.
    In terms of the original post, I am sorry that you have experienced this heartache with your troubled son. May there be some sort of reconciliation and healing fin future. You have done a great thing in loving him so unconditionally - I hope that one day, when he is maturer and less pain-filled, he will see that and acknowledge it with gratitude.
  12. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Hi Malika, je vous remercie beaucoup pour votre gentillesse.

    What wise souls on this site and such huge compassion. I couldn't agree more about the emptiness and the sense of not fitting in. There is a different energy between us, a different perspective, need etc. I reflect on teen moms and have often felt that there is no easy answer when it comes to adopting vs aborting, vs keeping the child. Each one is very difficult. Star your words are so powerful and profound. I am copying this all. Our son is going into therapy soon. His birth mom plans to do family therapy too. Her idea which is is cool. We are now experiencing joint parenting. She is such a remarkable person. This is profound for her to have our difficult child back in her life after almost 19 years. She is a remarkable woman.

    Star I give you credit for the very difficult work you have done in therapy and I pray that you feel peace inside. You survived some tough years and are stronger and wiser for it. I just pray that you feel whole. You are giving all of us a gift with your presence on this site. The rage and anger you talk about is what my son has had inside of him from literally day one. Interesting. When we brought him home from the hospital he was very quiet. At midnight the firs night he cried for four hours straight. He held his little head up and looked at me in a very angry way. I'll never forget it. It was like he was saying to me who the heck are you??? I was shocked to see a two day old infant have that kind of head control that he could look right at me and raise his head up so strongly. He knew didn't he. He could sense our differences.

    Wow ladies, wish we could all have a retreat day somewhere and just talk and laugh.... maybe someday huh?

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Natalie -

    I have profound peace, thank you! I am very hopeful for your son and Nancy's daughter that they both find the things that put the puzzles of their lives together for them. Both have been given lives, second chances, luck that they don't fully appreciate because they're too clouded by the thinking about what they think they don't have rather than appreciating what they do have. It's a process, a journey and sadly both are going to have to start way back at the beginning and uncover things about themselves that aren't going to be easy to deal with or face. Maybe now that they're older they'll be able to do it without the crutches of drugs and booze, and let the anger go, replace it with understanding of themselves and the circumstances surrounding the W's of their births, (who, what, where, when, why, and HOW) Once a lot of those are answered? Things start to fall into place whether a BM is there or a boyfriend is there - it's not so much THEM -answering questions - it's THEMSELVES and once you start realizing "OH I did THAT because I......felt this way or that way and I did that because I was a child and thought this way or that way." Even at 18 or so years old - they start to recognize the patterns of behaviors that led them to do things that were not such good choices and decisions. This is where they are able to think for themselves and say "I don't and won't make that decision again because I've already MADE that mistake and LOOK where it got me - I felt this way about it or it led me to do THIS bad thing." That's when the pieces start to fit that it does NOT matter - WHO your family is......It only matters WHO.....YOU are. You start to recognize that in this world - It's not the people that gave birth to you necessarily that have your back ----it's the people that led you to GOOD choices - regardless of WHO they were - THEY loved you. Love =caring =good choices =raised me to be something more than I am genetically=successful= happy=peace and in the end? That's what it's all about because without peace in your life, in your heart, in your soul you can KNOW everything else there is - but the rest of your won't ever be settled and no one can fix that but YOU. Only YOU can make the pieces fit.

    This is why I preach till my tongue falls out - seek counseling and keep your kids in it....or change until you find the right counselor because I wish everyone that same peace.......and the only one that can get it for you? Is you.

    Hugs & Love