Something else for husband, following the same analogy - the kid who may be having more trouble than usual learning to swim, may be far more adept in other areas such as kicking a ball or solving spatial problems. A difficulty in one area does not mean equal problems in all areas - sometimes the very reason one task is difficult, makes other tasks easy.
difficult child 3 is ADHD as well as autistic, so his ability to focus is limited, except for things he can lose himself in. Because he's been using computers since he was a baby, plus his extreme obsession with numbers and letters from infancy, PLUS his amazing problem-solving ability, he's become very adept at sorting out computer problems.
Now, husband is also one of the best - at his job, people come to him and ask for advice. It's not his official job, but he's become a de facto computer tech. But at home he and difficult child 3 seem to be on an equal footing. I see difficult child 3 anxious, having difficulty with writing tasks and finding some things very confronting, but faced with a computer problem he suddenly seems to be calm, self-assured and extremely capable. He's also very patient with those who are not so adept, which is lovely. And all this seems so far away from what we would expect, of a kid with his disabilities.
Other kids have dismissed difficult child 3 as a 'retard', then suddenly discovered him able to get their computer games to higher levels than was thought possible, in minutes. Their disdain turns to awe as they ask for tips from the kid they previously had been teasing unmercifully; and difficult child 3 is so forgiving he will sit down and teach someone who was bullying him five minutes earlier.
It's that unusual disparity which you often see with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and ADHD, that may help reassure your husband - this kid needs help in some areas but you will find he has hidden talents in others. He just needs his confidence in himself boosted and supported until he finds his feet.
You all need a lot of help, but please assure husband from me, the effort will be worthwhile not only for difficult child, but for husband as well. husband is the adult here, he should be the one more capable of reaching down to whatever level difficult child can currently handle, and leading him through learning the 'bloke stuff' that fathers are so good at. Get them both out in the workshop, maybe making something simple working with tools. They need this sort of good productive and encouraging time together. My difficult child 1 has a really good brain but he is handicapped by the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and ADHD. He always could work well with his hands and despite being highly intelligent, knows he cannot manage too much academically yet and so is looking for an apprenticeship where he can work with his hands. At 23 he will be older than most apprentices, but this is what he wants to do. Maybe one day he will be able to hold things together to get some more formal qualifications; just not yet. That doesn't mean we can't hold a stimulating conversation with him - he is good company, he enjoys spending time with his father. But there have been times when I despaired of him ever being able to even tie his own shoes or open his mouth to take a bite of food and then chew. Now - he's come a long way.
With your difficult child, the arguing and defiance can also imply hidden talents, especially a keenly developed sense of right and wrong (from his point of view). You need to find a way to harness this rather than try to control it. Kids like this need to be led rather than blocked. If you try blocking them you find it's a case of irresistible force meeting the immovable object, and it becomes a contest of wills, the original aim gone. Better to not engage a battle that will be a struggle to win - one day you won't win and that is not good. There are other ways rather then battle - diplomacy is better. Reason. Information. Communication. "I will help you to understand so you can make the correct decision, son," works better than "Do as I say because I said so!" When you can help your own child make good decisions for himself and own them, you have won the ultimate battle as a parent.
Marg
