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update on husband
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 407143" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>cm </p><p> </p><p>Hi ya! I started to write things, and I'm just not even sure what to write. I've been in so many places similar to where you are right now that it's kind of a mixed bag of emotions as to what you say.about your husband - so I'll just start with I'm glad he's finding places he feels comfortable in, getting help and making an effort towards recovery. From the bottom of my heart I mean that. </p><p> </p><p>Mostly however; my thoughts and heart are with you since mosty of your heart has been drug through it over and over again, and I wish I didn't know how you felt right now. (shrug) Maybe you don't feel anything, maybe you feel a mix of happiness and bitterness, maybe a sense of relief and anger - like finally - but WOW why so late, why couldn't this have happened sooner? I've been robbed, but oh well at least better late than never. Or maybe you are just one of those very rare women who feel so thankful for any recovery and you are so appreciative that no amount of guilt ever slips into your mind. If you are? Good for you, but if you have any of the other mixed feelings? You know you aren't alone right? Yeah, you don't have to answer me, but I just wanted you to know - there is a kind of anger that exists from living with the things you have been with a husband who has the issues yours has - and it's okay to be angry, and finding help for you - perfectly normal. Being mad as hades? Normal. Wanting to just scream at the top of your lungs 'THIS IS NOT FAIR' - even after things are on the mend - when it seems like that would be the worst time to stand up and say it? VERY normal. Almost seems like if you say it out loud? You're admitting lunacy. </p><p> </p><p>When I was with my x? He was/is an addict. He would use rehab like a revolving door and each time? I'd get hopeful. Each time he'd stay sober for a short period of time and each time I'd pray this would be it until it wasn't and then I'd fall. Until I just finally couldn't take it anymore. Our marriage despite all attempts to save it on my part ended after 13 years. Then I met husband and things were great until he broke his back, had multiple surgeries, and ended up on SSDI, and methadone and pain medications. It was like - me sitting in the yard talking to God and saying "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?" lol. (the answer was nothing of course) but.....still didn't make me any less angry and finally I let it go in therapy and dealt with it. I just had NO idea I was that (angry,regretful, spiteful, sad, bitter, vindictive, .....and add about 100 other adjectives that range from depressed to euphoric, fake) and there you'll have me - I was a mess trying to hold it together and literally failing miserably. </p><p> </p><p>I guess my point here is - Girlfriend - Take care of yourself. Sounds like husband has enough people looking out and understanding his problems all the way 360. How about you? Now that YOU don't have to be the ONLY one taking care of him.....Use some of THAT time to take care of you or have someone else - TAKE care of YOU. It's a huge hole that is left when people like our husband's find help/sobriety/clarity - and start doing the things in life that we wished for so long that they would do and believe it or not - if you don't recognize it or have someone to talk to about it? You can get REALLY resentful about it - very quick. Sounds weird doesn't it? It's like you wanted him to get well, now he's well and now you hate him for it. You don't think you do - but part of you may. I didn't even know I did. It was just weird. Can't even tell you why- except maybe I felt like I wasn't needed....and it wasn't a needed that I needed to be needed for. Complicated huh? </p><p> </p><p>I just want to be sure that YOU are taking care of YOU! If you aren't in therapy for all that is going on? I suggest it highly. There are going to be days that are SO stressful coming up that screaming won't help. And if there are days that seem like (maybe are not) but seem like it to you - where husband does not live up to YOUR expectations of the day? WOW - are you going to get angry (snap) like that......you need to know those warning signs and have a plan for yourself - and an outlet. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this makes sense - and does not offend. I'm trying to explain it best I can. I love my husband too - but I was NEVER more glad to be going to therapy for Dude when he had his back surgery - because a LOT of that time? I spent talking about husband ------and his recovery. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Hope all is VERY well. </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 407143, member: 4964"] cm Hi ya! I started to write things, and I'm just not even sure what to write. I've been in so many places similar to where you are right now that it's kind of a mixed bag of emotions as to what you say.about your husband - so I'll just start with I'm glad he's finding places he feels comfortable in, getting help and making an effort towards recovery. From the bottom of my heart I mean that. Mostly however; my thoughts and heart are with you since mosty of your heart has been drug through it over and over again, and I wish I didn't know how you felt right now. (shrug) Maybe you don't feel anything, maybe you feel a mix of happiness and bitterness, maybe a sense of relief and anger - like finally - but WOW why so late, why couldn't this have happened sooner? I've been robbed, but oh well at least better late than never. Or maybe you are just one of those very rare women who feel so thankful for any recovery and you are so appreciative that no amount of guilt ever slips into your mind. If you are? Good for you, but if you have any of the other mixed feelings? You know you aren't alone right? Yeah, you don't have to answer me, but I just wanted you to know - there is a kind of anger that exists from living with the things you have been with a husband who has the issues yours has - and it's okay to be angry, and finding help for you - perfectly normal. Being mad as hades? Normal. Wanting to just scream at the top of your lungs 'THIS IS NOT FAIR' - even after things are on the mend - when it seems like that would be the worst time to stand up and say it? VERY normal. Almost seems like if you say it out loud? You're admitting lunacy. When I was with my x? He was/is an addict. He would use rehab like a revolving door and each time? I'd get hopeful. Each time he'd stay sober for a short period of time and each time I'd pray this would be it until it wasn't and then I'd fall. Until I just finally couldn't take it anymore. Our marriage despite all attempts to save it on my part ended after 13 years. Then I met husband and things were great until he broke his back, had multiple surgeries, and ended up on SSDI, and methadone and pain medications. It was like - me sitting in the yard talking to God and saying "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?" lol. (the answer was nothing of course) but.....still didn't make me any less angry and finally I let it go in therapy and dealt with it. I just had NO idea I was that (angry,regretful, spiteful, sad, bitter, vindictive, .....and add about 100 other adjectives that range from depressed to euphoric, fake) and there you'll have me - I was a mess trying to hold it together and literally failing miserably. I guess my point here is - Girlfriend - Take care of yourself. Sounds like husband has enough people looking out and understanding his problems all the way 360. How about you? Now that YOU don't have to be the ONLY one taking care of him.....Use some of THAT time to take care of you or have someone else - TAKE care of YOU. It's a huge hole that is left when people like our husband's find help/sobriety/clarity - and start doing the things in life that we wished for so long that they would do and believe it or not - if you don't recognize it or have someone to talk to about it? You can get REALLY resentful about it - very quick. Sounds weird doesn't it? It's like you wanted him to get well, now he's well and now you hate him for it. You don't think you do - but part of you may. I didn't even know I did. It was just weird. Can't even tell you why- except maybe I felt like I wasn't needed....and it wasn't a needed that I needed to be needed for. Complicated huh? I just want to be sure that YOU are taking care of YOU! If you aren't in therapy for all that is going on? I suggest it highly. There are going to be days that are SO stressful coming up that screaming won't help. And if there are days that seem like (maybe are not) but seem like it to you - where husband does not live up to YOUR expectations of the day? WOW - are you going to get angry (snap) like that......you need to know those warning signs and have a plan for yourself - and an outlet. Hope this makes sense - and does not offend. I'm trying to explain it best I can. I love my husband too - but I was NEVER more glad to be going to therapy for Dude when he had his back surgery - because a LOT of that time? I spent talking about husband ------and his recovery. Hugs & Love Hope all is VERY well. Star [/QUOTE]
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