Well, she came, 2 hours late and I didn't know she was coming until Thanksgiving Day morning, but to my utter amazement, she hung out with us for a long time after we ate and there was absolutely no DRAMA, no intensity, no negativity, none of the usual stuff which makes me crazy and stresses me out............It was the calmest and most enjoyable holiday I have had with both my daughter and my granddaughter in probably 12 years............
The interesting thing is that after she left, around 1:30 AM Friday morning, I went upstairs and checked my laptop for emails..............there was one from her posted about an hour before she showed up at our home. She apologized (first major difference, apologies are not natural nor does she usually make them) for being late but she said, she wanted to be honest, she had worked that morning and when the job was completed, the person who hired her, refused to pay her. She fell apart and went home crying. It was more dramatic since a few days before she was notified that the meager income she had was abruptly cut off and that's what she has been living on for about 3 years. Her phone died, she couldn't pay her bills, but she said, "Mom, I'm trying, I will be there and I won't bring any of this with me, just bear with me.........."
Reading that after the fact was probably perfect for me, I didn't know anything of those developments all day and as I reviewed the day in my mind, I was in awe of how she held it together, was calm, never said a word about anything in her life and was actually a pleasure to be around. My granddaughter showed up for dessert with her boyfriend and the two of them made a big effort to get along, it seemed clear they were doing that for me. I was very touched by all of it. I set a very distinct boundary with my difficult child about her behavior and she honored that on Thanksgiving day. Not only that, but some black cloud of misery which has surrounded her for over a decade, looked and felt as if it was no longer there. I can't put my finger on the shift exactly, but she looked like she used to look 12 years ago, before her life went south................
I made a decision to help her again, to buy her a new phone for her birthday next week and to help with some bills. As my SO said to me, "this is where you step in when you have kids, this is regular parenting." Regular parenting, I had to smile, I haven't seen regular parenting in over a decade, I've been in the world of insane, dark, unpredictable difficult child behavior.............so this was very different. It felt different. It looked different. It was different. The following day my difficult child dropped by and I gave her some money. She said, "thank you Mom, for all you've done, I don't know what I would've done without your love and support." I was literally without words since my daughter has NEVER said anything like that before. She has resided in the world of the entitled for so long, apologies and gratitude did not fit in that world. She also emailed me how grateful she was that I invited her to dinner and how much it meant to her........................you really would have to know my difficult child to know how remarkable a change that is, just to have her say that.
She promises to call the Social Worker I got her hooked up with months ago, she says she gets that she cannot be in inertia any longer, she has to begin to make changes now. She worked out her living arrangements with the older woman, somehow they have forged a workable connection together. My absence from my difficult child's life for almost 5 months has proved to be just what we both needed to grow and change our old behavior. I still can't get over it................it all seems surreal to me.........I really had let go of her ever changing or of us ever getting to a point where we could connect in a healthy, calm and respectful fashion.
I don't want to be jinxed with the board curse by saying all of this, there is still much work to be done on her part, she has a distance to go to start having any kind of thriving life, but this all seems like a good start. Of course, she could slide back into the abyss, and that would be completely her choice, and I would have to adapt once again to another level of detachment......................but somehow it all feels different now................I feel very different, hopeful, but yet not attached to the outcome...........
The interesting thing is that after she left, around 1:30 AM Friday morning, I went upstairs and checked my laptop for emails..............there was one from her posted about an hour before she showed up at our home. She apologized (first major difference, apologies are not natural nor does she usually make them) for being late but she said, she wanted to be honest, she had worked that morning and when the job was completed, the person who hired her, refused to pay her. She fell apart and went home crying. It was more dramatic since a few days before she was notified that the meager income she had was abruptly cut off and that's what she has been living on for about 3 years. Her phone died, she couldn't pay her bills, but she said, "Mom, I'm trying, I will be there and I won't bring any of this with me, just bear with me.........."
Reading that after the fact was probably perfect for me, I didn't know anything of those developments all day and as I reviewed the day in my mind, I was in awe of how she held it together, was calm, never said a word about anything in her life and was actually a pleasure to be around. My granddaughter showed up for dessert with her boyfriend and the two of them made a big effort to get along, it seemed clear they were doing that for me. I was very touched by all of it. I set a very distinct boundary with my difficult child about her behavior and she honored that on Thanksgiving day. Not only that, but some black cloud of misery which has surrounded her for over a decade, looked and felt as if it was no longer there. I can't put my finger on the shift exactly, but she looked like she used to look 12 years ago, before her life went south................
I made a decision to help her again, to buy her a new phone for her birthday next week and to help with some bills. As my SO said to me, "this is where you step in when you have kids, this is regular parenting." Regular parenting, I had to smile, I haven't seen regular parenting in over a decade, I've been in the world of insane, dark, unpredictable difficult child behavior.............so this was very different. It felt different. It looked different. It was different. The following day my difficult child dropped by and I gave her some money. She said, "thank you Mom, for all you've done, I don't know what I would've done without your love and support." I was literally without words since my daughter has NEVER said anything like that before. She has resided in the world of the entitled for so long, apologies and gratitude did not fit in that world. She also emailed me how grateful she was that I invited her to dinner and how much it meant to her........................you really would have to know my difficult child to know how remarkable a change that is, just to have her say that.
She promises to call the Social Worker I got her hooked up with months ago, she says she gets that she cannot be in inertia any longer, she has to begin to make changes now. She worked out her living arrangements with the older woman, somehow they have forged a workable connection together. My absence from my difficult child's life for almost 5 months has proved to be just what we both needed to grow and change our old behavior. I still can't get over it................it all seems surreal to me.........I really had let go of her ever changing or of us ever getting to a point where we could connect in a healthy, calm and respectful fashion.
I don't want to be jinxed with the board curse by saying all of this, there is still much work to be done on her part, she has a distance to go to start having any kind of thriving life, but this all seems like a good start. Of course, she could slide back into the abyss, and that would be completely her choice, and I would have to adapt once again to another level of detachment......................but somehow it all feels different now................I feel very different, hopeful, but yet not attached to the outcome...........