trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
It's been just over a week. Sorry I haven't been around on the board much, but I've been holed up in the back of my head, just processing things. A lot to think about.
First, the important stuff:
Little easy child and his team won the play-offs!
I am so very proud of him. He was such a good sport, didn't boast or gloat, cheered up one of his friends who was on the 3rd place team, etc., and handled all of the family issues like a true gentleman. What a trouper.
And now, the other stuff:
My parents were both there. Although I was sitting quite far away and didn't really get a good look at them, I was stunned at how much they have aged and how haggard they both looked. My mother in particular looks shriveled and old and drained of life. I could see the shape of her bones underneath her face, even from all the way across the field. She used to be so pretty, so vivacious, and now she looks like a sad, sick old woman.
The whole time we were all there, and in the week since, I've been expecting to feel...I don't know...something. But I don't. I don't feel anything but indifference. A bit of mild puzzlement. The sort of distant pity you have for someone you don't know very well who is going through a hard time. But no deep feelings. No anger, no sadness. No fondness. Nothing at all. Where feelings should be, there's just a void.
But I've also been thinking a lot about the distance, the estrangement.
I'm just so confused...
Do I want to re-establish contact? Not really, because I treasure the peace, happiness and stability that their absence has brought to my life. But will I regret that later if I remain apart from them and then one day they're gone and I've lost my chance to do otherwise.
My mother looks so very ill and sad. What if she needs to go into a nursing home someday. Could I live with myself if I knew she was alone there, and not visit? At least to make sure that she's receiving proper care and not being mistreated?
What about my babies? Will they be upset someday that I prevented them from knowing their grandparents? How do I answer their questions later, if and when they come up?
I'm just not sure...
No decisions for now, just letting things bubble up and settle back down. But I'm truly at a loss...
First, the important stuff:
Little easy child and his team won the play-offs!
I am so very proud of him. He was such a good sport, didn't boast or gloat, cheered up one of his friends who was on the 3rd place team, etc., and handled all of the family issues like a true gentleman. What a trouper.
And now, the other stuff:
My parents were both there. Although I was sitting quite far away and didn't really get a good look at them, I was stunned at how much they have aged and how haggard they both looked. My mother in particular looks shriveled and old and drained of life. I could see the shape of her bones underneath her face, even from all the way across the field. She used to be so pretty, so vivacious, and now she looks like a sad, sick old woman.
The whole time we were all there, and in the week since, I've been expecting to feel...I don't know...something. But I don't. I don't feel anything but indifference. A bit of mild puzzlement. The sort of distant pity you have for someone you don't know very well who is going through a hard time. But no deep feelings. No anger, no sadness. No fondness. Nothing at all. Where feelings should be, there's just a void.
But I've also been thinking a lot about the distance, the estrangement.
I'm just so confused...
Do I want to re-establish contact? Not really, because I treasure the peace, happiness and stability that their absence has brought to my life. But will I regret that later if I remain apart from them and then one day they're gone and I've lost my chance to do otherwise.
My mother looks so very ill and sad. What if she needs to go into a nursing home someday. Could I live with myself if I knew she was alone there, and not visit? At least to make sure that she's receiving proper care and not being mistreated?
What about my babies? Will they be upset someday that I prevented them from knowing their grandparents? How do I answer their questions later, if and when they come up?
I'm just not sure...
No decisions for now, just letting things bubble up and settle back down. But I'm truly at a loss...