Update: The waters of de Nile are calm.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Apr 25, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So...my son just called me for, apparently, no other reason than to tell me he has an interview at a deli in a local grocery store.

    I'm glad to hear it. Still a little weirded out by a phone call that asked for nothing.

    I asked if he'd be able to get to work, since it's evenings (no busses). He said yes. He's already told me previously that he "has a place to stay" when the lease is up June 1. Apparently, with the woman he's seeing...and her husband. I SO don't want to know. He also told me last week he was on an interview list at another café/deli/coffee shop place...where the husband works, so he could ride with him.

    Huh.

    Last week I did warn him that anyone who is in an "open marriage" might not be too picky about protection, so he better use it if he's sleeping with a woman who's husband is sleeping around. He insists there's no sex between him and his sugar-mama. Ooookaaayyy.

    I have decided to call these people, "That nice couple who are giving him a hand." Head firmly in the sand on that one. Swimming in the deep end of de Nile. He's 20 years old and his sex life or lack thereof is NOT my business or anything I care to contemplate. His biodad was good at mooching off women too...only he slept with them all.

    He's now come over twice to watch Game of Thrones and eat pizza. I figure $10 worth of pizza and he takes home the left-overs is a nice tradition. We keep it light. Try not to talk about anything much. I pick him up and drop him off...last time and tomorrow at the apartment of "that nice couple"...and I have taken the opportunity to remind him that the rent stops in June and about his community service. Apparently "that nice couple" are going to pay his court costs and he says he's certain he has until June to do his community service. I was sure it was May. His problem. He says he has it covered.

    So...there's a little update.

    Think I'll take a quick dip now. :swimming:
     
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You've come a long way, Lil.

    :O)

    Cedar
     
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Keep it up Lil. You are talking the talk of a person who is letting go. Kudos to you!

    Love the new tradition. As long as it works, keep it going.

    One day at a time.
     
  4. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    Awesome Lil, definitely a victory!
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree with your decision to stay out of it. It is unlikely that you are going to find out what's really going on, and the couple is likely to tell you to shaddup, since your son is of age. Going back to my therapy gorup, one woman was really upset because her son, age 18, was messing with a 25 year old and she felt it was too old and didn't like it for various reasons. The woman hung up on her. The police told her, he's of age. She kept on trying to cause trouble, which caused trouble, all right, for HER as she got herself arrested for not leaving the woman's property when asked.

    It's your son's life now and you don't need to know much about it.
     
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Never met them. Don't want to. I know the woman's first name and, because I've picked him up and dropped him off, where they live. That's all I care to know about "that nice couple who are giving him a hand.":bag:
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good idea, Lil.

    One thing you can notate though and this is about your son. He is actually very capable of finding help for himself. Of course, it is not how you want him to do it, but he will not starve, sleep under a bridge or be alone. These adult kids tend to be street savvy. They have been mooching for so long that they learn how to do it to strangers very quickly.It's truly amazing how they work it out.

    I wouldn't care what's going on if it were me. I'd just roll my eyes and be glad he has some positive possibilities, regardless of how he got them.
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    When I said he should move in with his girlfriend and her hubby....

    I WAS JOKING!!!!
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Lil

    Did you ever think that you would be able to say the words "My son is living with his girlfriend....and her hubby....?

    Whoever said life is stranger than fiction....must have had a difficult child!
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yeah...I can't actually say I ever wanted to say those words. I mean, I'm an open-minded person, really. I fully believe that what a person chooses to do in their bedroom is their own business. I'd go so far as to say I have a few kinks of my own.

    And I want to know about my son's just about as much as he'd want to hear about mine.

    They're just a nice couple who are giving him a hand.

    :fantasysmiley:

    Where did I put my water wings?
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I just posted a new thread...(emergency hospital) that might well have been posted by Lil...6 months ago, before her triumph in de-nile.

    I am having a really, really hard time with my son's choices...judgment...behavior...lack of responsibility....He keeps trying to get me to solve everything for him....to clean up every, single mess.

    Clearly, I can't perpetuate this dynamic. But being between a rock and hard place feels so terrible...he does so little to improve his own situation, and it is such slow going. And I am suffering so. Clearly I can't keep solving stuff. But doing nothing feels so horrible.

    I can see the situation from the airplane. But, down here in the trenches it feels like sh-t.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2015
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Copa...my fantasy world only goes so far. I still don't approve of most everything my son does. I'm just refusing to acknowledge the reality in this situation. Eventually the :poop: will hit the fan again. I'm just enjoying the gentle float trip for now.
     
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    That's encouraging. I hope he get the job.
    It's always hard to tell if they are being truthful of trying to play you.
    Just when you think you've heard it all. Um, yah, that's a little different.
    This is good.

    Only time will tell but hopefully he is starting to turn his life around.
     
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, another decent Game of Thrones night. We did the pizza thing and he actually came for a couple hours tonight. He asked about coming this week to watch something else, but I told him I would probably be working overtime a lot, because of my upcoming surgery in May. Still, he said, "Well then next Sunday." and I said, "Absolutely."

    I mentioned to him tonight that we'd had a prowler a few months ago and we put in a security light. He was actually quite concerned. He said it made him mad to think of someone peeking in our windows and "I'd probably go Dexter on anyone who hurt you guys." I told him that was sweet...in a creepy kind of way. LOL (If you've never seen it, Dexter is a TV show about a serial killer, who only kills criminals.) His response was, "I mean it! I care a lot about your guys." That meant more to me than all the "I love you's" he throws out. He sounded very sincere.

    We talked a very little bit about the "nice couple". I told him that was what I was calling them and I didn't want to know about his sex life or lack thereof. He said, he isn't sleeping with anyone's wife....if that eases my mind. Oooookay. Whatever. I don't want to know.
     
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  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Does that EVER sound like an Aspie thing to say... Given a concrete situation (prowler), he gave a concrete response, and I think he meant it, too.
     
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lil I hope you have paused to see that you have found something that works with your son. Seeing him once a week for two hours over pizza and a tv show allows you to lay eyes on him, feed him, share time with him, all without drama or chaos. This Is a huge step forward and shows your progress in dealing with this situation. You are using good boundaries and respect and politeness. You are staying on your side of the street and allowing him full reign over his side of the street. It isn't perfect but what is?
     
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  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    I'm not going to say there's no tension. There is, especially for Jabber I think, a bit of "waiting for the other shoe to drop"; expecting it to suddenly go wrong. Maybe it's just worry about what may occur in June, when we cut off the phone and rent? But, I at least, am just trying to have one hour a week of normality; to have my son again without drama, just for a bit. I have to admit, I was glad to have an excuse of overtime to cut him off the track of coming over more during the week. I feel a little bad about it...but I don't think we're ready to see that much of him just yet. Still, it does seem a little less tense each time, at least to me. Jabber's view may differ.

    I'm the one who picks him up and drops him off. It's only 5 minutes or so, but I take that very short time to chat. He told me that his plan is to get a job, save up and get a one-bedroom apartment, so his bunking with "that nice couple" isn't intended to be long-term. He was wondering how to handle his criminal case on the applications for jobs...the last one said "convictions" and he has a guilty plea and an SIS...so technically not a conviction...and he was trying to decide if he should mention it at the interview, so as to not have them think he was hiding anything. I told him it was up to him...but it kind of defeats the purpose of the SIS to tell people. Truthfully, I don't know how he should handle that. He's going to have to make the call. It's little things like this, talking about important stuff, but only in passing, that happens in the car.

    I hope these little peeks are maybe showing some improvement on his part. But keeping myself grounded. I don't expect big changes anytime soon.
     
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I know. I feel tension about my son as well. The way I work to handle that is to keep a lot of physical distance between us. We may text or call a couple of times a week. We see each other infrequently, average once every two to three weeks. That "pace" is good for me, and I believe it's good for him. I don't want to know the daily details of his life. When I do know them, I engage, even mentally, too much.

    My husband and I were talking about the whole spectrum of this challenge this weekend. He drew two boxes. One was smaller and one was bigger. The smaller one is my oldest son who is doing "all the right things." The bigger box is my younger son, who is doing better. The size of the box is my focus on each one of them. I am working hard to reduce the size of the box of my younger son---who will be 26 in July. It is what it is. He is who he is. Life is what it is. I'm talking to myself here, you see.

    Well, maybe they are and maybe they aren't. But, that isn't the point. He is who he is (see above). He is going to do what he is going to do. It's going to be ups and downs, like you and me. It's not going to be in a straight line and no switch is going to be flipped one day, and then...all is well. I used to think that Lil. I spent every single day waiting for that switch to be flipped until I finally realized that was never going to happen. It took me a long time.

    The keeping yourself grounded part...ah...now...that is the most important part. You are the most important thing. Not him...You. You are 51% and he is 49%. You have one life to live and this is it. What will you and I make of our lives today?

    Hang in there. Yes, I know you have a crossroads ahead. What will happen? Who knows? Will it be "all pretty?" Probably not. At the right time, write down what you want to happen---on your side of the street. Not his. What do you want to say? What do you want to do? Write it down, print it out, put it in your purse.

    Refer to it. Whip it out when the time comes. Remember that you made a plan when your mind was clearer. Do your best to stick to that plan, regardless of what else happens.

    You're making real progress Lil. Pat yourself on the back today.
     
  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Lil'

    All joking aside (and there's still plenty of jokes in this one!) your young man is making strides.

    After a few months of living in his tiny apartment, no job, trying to make you feel sorry for his 'baby' self,(which didn't work!!!! as far as he knows) he has finally started to make some plans to move forward with his life.

    He is actively looking for work, found a place to live come June 1st ON HIS OWN (even if it is a sorta unconventional situation) thinking long-term about saving his $ for an apartment, realizing how his shoplifting episode is going to affect his future and how to deal with it, and basically starting to take control of his life!

    He is seeing himself as a competent, self-supporting, grown-up individual who is responsible for his own life. THIS IS HUGE!!!!

    Will it be two steps forward, one step back? Probably.

    Will he try to get you to rescue him at some point by acting like a child, sabotaging his successes, appealing to your mommy instincts? Maybe. OK, probably.

    But it won't work anymore.

    And he will come through this and all of lifes' challenges and be a better, stronger man for it all.

    I believe it.

    So do you.

    Tell him.
     
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