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Update: The waters of de Nile are calm.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 655490" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think she calls them because she knows they are on the lease until June.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These were the kinds of feelings I would work on in my effort to detach from the emotions. Once the feelings snowball, I cannot think my way through it. I get popped into "numb". If I can get a handle on my own emotional response right at the beginning, I have a kind of a baseline to try to get back to. </p><p></p><p>It's like a controlled nuclear reaction.</p><p></p><p>I can care for myself as I go through whatever it is.</p><p></p><p>That is what I mean when I write that for me, detachment parenting is about detaching from my own emotional responses.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Remember that movie, The African Queen? Where Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (?) meet all kinds of unexpected challenges floating down the river and even, fall in love, but do not compromise their essential values?</p><p></p><p>That might be a good imagery for you and Jabber, Lil.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think letting the machine get it teaches the kids that they can handle it without us.</p><p></p><p>That's what we are after, here. For the kids to pick themselves up, and to have confidence in their ability to do that.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you could have a rule, with yourself, to call him regarding the call he made to you, the next day.</p><p></p><p>Don't listen to the call, first.</p><p></p><p>Even if you do, no calling him back until the next day. And no letting him know you listened to the message.</p><p></p><p>You trust him to handle it, whatever it is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yay! Times like that would be good times to say something like, "I knew you could do it. Just checking to be sure you are good and all is well. Proud of you for handling it on your own."</p><p></p><p>They don't need to know what it costs us to wait. All they need to know is that we believe they can handle anything that comes up, and that we are proud of them when they do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Jabber is right, Lil. This is a lesson for your son. It has nothing to do with yard work. If you give him the money, then just give him the money. </p><p></p><p>There is no harm in it, as long as you remember you are doing it for you, not him.</p><p></p><p>Keep it nice and clean.</p><p></p><p>The yard work is a whole separate thing.</p><p></p><p>Secretly? I don't recommend it. We are getting too close to June.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You need to leave it there, Lil.</p><p></p><p>Let go.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>His attitude does leave a lot to be desired. </p><p></p><p>But there is no one in all the world who can change that but him.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler pointed out to me once that my daughter was using my pain, was intentionally traumatizing me with the horrific details of how and what and why, was intentionally pushing me into that shocky place where I cannot think, to get what she wanted.</p><p></p><p>She was correct, Lil.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And they hurt us to do it, because hurting us works. They must believe we are very strong.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing to back away from the parenting role. It is personally hard. It is hard on our self images, it devastates our self concepts. Especially if we are generous or kind, it is so hard to turn away. It helped us to remember the ultimate goal was to strengthen the kids.</p><p></p><p>For us, for now, it seems to be having that effect.</p><p></p><p>Like COM, I will add "Hang in there, Lil.", too. None of this is easy. All of this ~ learning why to change our responses, learning how to survive when we know our children suffer and it would be so simple to help ~ all of it takes time. Especially at first, we are flying by the seat of our pants and I cannot think of a better way to describe what it feels like than that.</p><p></p><p>Flying by the seats of our pants with our hearts in our throats, maybe.</p><p></p><p>It is so important that they stop doing what they do. There is so incredibly much at stake.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 655490, member: 17461"] I think she calls them because she knows they are on the lease until June. These were the kinds of feelings I would work on in my effort to detach from the emotions. Once the feelings snowball, I cannot think my way through it. I get popped into "numb". If I can get a handle on my own emotional response right at the beginning, I have a kind of a baseline to try to get back to. It's like a controlled nuclear reaction. I can care for myself as I go through whatever it is. That is what I mean when I write that for me, detachment parenting is about detaching from my own emotional responses. Remember that movie, The African Queen? Where Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (?) meet all kinds of unexpected challenges floating down the river and even, fall in love, but do not compromise their essential values? That might be a good imagery for you and Jabber, Lil. I think letting the machine get it teaches the kids that they can handle it without us. That's what we are after, here. For the kids to pick themselves up, and to have confidence in their ability to do that. Maybe you could have a rule, with yourself, to call him regarding the call he made to you, the next day. Don't listen to the call, first. Even if you do, no calling him back until the next day. And no letting him know you listened to the message. You trust him to handle it, whatever it is. Yay! Times like that would be good times to say something like, "I knew you could do it. Just checking to be sure you are good and all is well. Proud of you for handling it on your own." They don't need to know what it costs us to wait. All they need to know is that we believe they can handle anything that comes up, and that we are proud of them when they do. Jabber is right, Lil. This is a lesson for your son. It has nothing to do with yard work. If you give him the money, then just give him the money. There is no harm in it, as long as you remember you are doing it for you, not him. Keep it nice and clean. The yard work is a whole separate thing. Secretly? I don't recommend it. We are getting too close to June. You need to leave it there, Lil. Let go. His attitude does leave a lot to be desired. But there is no one in all the world who can change that but him. Recovering Enabler pointed out to me once that my daughter was using my pain, was intentionally traumatizing me with the horrific details of how and what and why, was intentionally pushing me into that shocky place where I cannot think, to get what she wanted. She was correct, Lil. And they hurt us to do it, because hurting us works. They must believe we are very strong. It is a very hard thing to back away from the parenting role. It is personally hard. It is hard on our self images, it devastates our self concepts. Especially if we are generous or kind, it is so hard to turn away. It helped us to remember the ultimate goal was to strengthen the kids. For us, for now, it seems to be having that effect. Like COM, I will add "Hang in there, Lil.", too. None of this is easy. All of this ~ learning why to change our responses, learning how to survive when we know our children suffer and it would be so simple to help ~ all of it takes time. Especially at first, we are flying by the seat of our pants and I cannot think of a better way to describe what it feels like than that. Flying by the seats of our pants with our hearts in our throats, maybe. It is so important that they stop doing what they do. There is so incredibly much at stake. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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