Update to Son asking to tie me up

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by learner, Jan 17, 2009.

  1. learner

    learner New Member

    Hello all,
    It has been a little less than a year since I posted on this message board and gotten feedback. I wanted to update everyone by quickly refreshing that my son had asked a few times about tying me up, as a "joke" to see if I could get loose, because of something he saw on TV and to get a laugh out of my struggle. All of your responded about getting help for him, etc etc.

    Well that toned down until about last June when he did act out on it. My daughter was gone for the weekend camping when it was just my son, then 16. I had come home from work and was making small talk with him and wasn't sure what I was going to do for the time being that night. I had changed out of my work clothes realizing I had to do laundry. I later would have regretted what I choose to wear because I wore khaki shorts, along with a polo shirt, wishing it could have at least been long pants, but it was the summer. Then the flip flops went on of course. I had gone downstairs and began to load the washer, as I emptied what little amount was in teh washer from a previous wash, I turned and to my horror saw my son standing their with the clothsline in hand. I did get a little panicky as he began to say he just wanted to tie me up and see how I woudl handle it. Now that is not normal, as I kept having to reassure myself. How would you all feel if this is happeneing, rather helpless right? Well I tried to fight a little, but he is a strong 16 year old boy. Well after a while he succeeded in binding my hands behind my back, and I also remember my feet together after he cut the rope, and I think a little more around my torso. I was crying, not uncontrollably, but was yelling at him to stop and let me go. My heart was beating out of my chest when he said he couldn't take it anymore with my crying, he was just doing an experiment and said he had duct tape for the mouth, however he ended up sticking a cloth in my mouth. The phone eventually rang, which was for him and I was left alone, struggling, causing bruises on my arms and legs (why i wished i had pant and socks therefore on). I was able to get the cloth out but to no avvail the bonds. After what seemed like hours on end ( i think close to 1 hour he came back down. He first asked if I was ticklish in the feet which caused instant tears and fear in me. He said he had to go to a friends and left. I was left alone and able to make it up the stairs. Eventually a neighbor heard the screams and came to my assistance. The police were called and he was picked up later at his friends. Now he is in therapy and on medications and getting help for the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and whatever else. This took some own therapy of mine, and that is why I haven't responded until now, however I finally got around to sharing this with you. I am not looking for just sympathy, but i guess reaction, as to why I posted this.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That is certainly a horrible experience to go through. I am so glad the police got involved and that you are getting help for your son and yourself as well. I'm curious if he now has a diagnosis, besides the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) you mention? What medications is he now on? Did he have an evaluation?

    Very sorry you were victimized by him and I hope it never happens again!
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think you need to get him out of the home and into some very extensive therapy. You need to worry about keeping yourself safe- I seriously doubt the typical outpatient therapy is going to keep this from happening it again. It sounds like it had to have been a strong fantasy for him to think about it that long and then do it. And, you also need to think about what this might lead him to do as he gets older and out on his own- with more freedom around more women.

    I am very sorry you had to experience this. It is no wonder that you needed therapy yourself. My son held two knives at me last week and he's in the psychiatric hospital now for it. I'm trying to get him into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC),. or at least get extensive help lined up for home if he can't get in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I may be in denial, but for some reason, I'm more worried about- or at least as worried- about what your son did.
  4. learner

    learner New Member

    Wow such fast responses, and I hope to read more. The medications he is on, either zolof or sertraline for the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), we continually work on this stuff with the doctor, very close supervision.

    Also when it was said and done i did find other rope in his room, I'll post more tomorrow but very tired, gotta get to bed soon.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Is he still living at home?

    That is so extremely scary! Do you have safety plans for you and the rest of the family in place to help prevent this?

    I am so glad you made it through.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm seriously hoping that you don'e have younger kids in the house.
  7. YoyoMama

    YoyoMama New Member

    Oh Learner, what a horrible experience. How very terrifying and deeply saddening that your son would do this. It shakes your deepest sense of security that your own son in your own home would threaten your well-being.

    I suspect you are posting here because you would find people here who would understand how your own child could threaten your very safety. There is nothing more powerful than validation concerning very difficult to understand experiences.

    I hope you get the validation that gives you the strength to protect yourself in spite of the fact that it is your own son, your own flesh and blood who tied you up. We all long for children and parents and spouses who love us and support us and receive our love - to live in harmony and joy - and when our lives are filled with family that threaten our well-being we need to find support and empathy somewhere. I hope you find that here and elsewhere.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. Welcome Back to our group, I forgot to say that.

    This is a VERY scary thing. He truly NEEDS more than just medications and outpatient therapy. This fantasy persisted for a very long time. And then he acted on it to the point that you were injured. Did you press charges against him for domestic violence or assault?

    I know it is very hard, but you MUST get him placed somewhere out of your home. It simply is NOT safe to have him in the home with you, no matter what medications he is on or what therapy he is getting.

    It is hard to have your child need to live elsewhere because he hurt you. I know, my son was put into a psychiatric hospital for 4 months at age 12 for trying to kill his sister. Then, at age 14 we had to have him removed from our home by the Sheriff because he was beating me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He ended up living with my parents (after the Youth Shelter kicked him out because he refused to follow the rules!). My dad had just retired from teaching jr high and was able to reach him somehow.

    Now, at age 17, my son has thanked me for having him removed. We ALL realize he would have killed one of us if he stayed here. But at my parents he is in all regular classes, getting good grades, learning to be a machinist, and generally being a good son, brother and grandson.

    So removing him CAN turn out for the good. But you really MUST make social services and or the court see that he simply cannot safely live with you.

    Whatever happens, stick around. There is a lot of support, sympathy and help here.

    by the way, after several months on zoloft it is not uncommon or unheard of for young men to become very aggressive. It happened to my son, and to the sons of other people who have been here in the past. My son described it as an overwhelming preoccupation with hurting me and my daughter.

    So be VERY careful not to get into a situation where he could hurt you again. You might not be able to get out and get help the next time.

    Gentle hugs,

  9. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Wow! That is scary, scary.

    I'm glad you are safe.

    He's your child and you love him, but I hoping you do not allow him in the home again.

    I'm glad you got the help you needed to get through this nightmare.

    Welcome back.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring hugs your way. DDD
  11. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    When someone abuses us it is healthy to unload and describe what happened to us.

    I hope that you have gone to talk through this with others who have ideas to impliment to keep you safe and also anyone your son may wish to 'try' these perverse criminal acts on in the future.

    I know of one woman whose boyfreind would tie her up and leave her and eventually he did so and left her for days in a row.

    It is illegal to restrain a person. It is criminal conduct to do this.
    He did hear you say no to him and it is criminal to ignor the direction to stop. No means no.
  12. Anaheimfan

    Anaheimfan Blue Collar Boy

    Learner, I can say little more than what is said here. A word of advice: don't allow yourself to get "cornered." You should always be in a position where you can A: Get Out or B: Defend yourself. The choice of Fight or Flight is up to you.

    You mention in your post having a daughter, and I'm sure you know that her safety is paramount. I would make sure they are not left unattended for any period of time...She, too, should always be in a position where she can get out of the dangerous situation or defend herself.

    I am incredibly sorry that you had to suffer through that, and that you now have to deal with the after effects.

    Take care,

    thank you.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My largest worry is that unless he is treated, he may try this with your daughter, or worse yet, a younger neighbor girl or something. If he can overpower you, he can certainly overpower a child.

    I'm not diminishing the effect that it had on you. I am so very sorry that you had to go through that traumatic event. But I am in a way glad that he did it to you, an adult, and not a kid. If he is not in a treatment center, please get him in one, for his health and for everyone else's safety.

    Hugs and prayers coming your way.
  14. learner

    learner New Member

    Thanks for all the responses. To answer a few questions, it has been decided that my daughter live with her father for about the next few year. I do think my son is extremely sorry and is now on the right path. As many have said don't have younger children in the house.

    And I did post this for validation, and gathering reactions from others. I do want to point out that while it was traumatic in the sense that it all happened so fast yet like it was slow motion, many worse things could have happened. And yes it is illegal to restrain someone, but no criminal charges ended up being filed for therapy instead.

    "You mention in your post having a daughter, and I'm sure you know that her safety is paramount. I would make sure they are not left unattended for any period of time...She, too, should always be in a position where she can get out of the dangerous situation or defend herself." My one big concern from here is what to do when I can't defend myself if I am already tied up, any suggestions on how to get out?

  15. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    That is very scary. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Wouldn't it have been safer for you, if son went to Dad's? You must live with some fear everytime you are alone with him.
  16. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I just don't think it's safe for him to be living in the home. It's not safe for you, the community, or for him. He needs to be long term inpatient, in my humble opinion.
  17. Anaheimfan

    Anaheimfan Blue Collar Boy

    Scoot to the nearest object you can use for support and lift or push yourself up. You'd still be tied up, and if your son were to take off again, you could find your way out of your house to safety.

  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry but I think you are in denial about how serious this is. Next time he could kill you. I raised three boys and if one of them had ever raised a hand to hurt me or had tied me up, they would be breathing the air in my house ever again.
  19. MyHrt31

    MyHrt31 New Member

    I'm new to this board but I just wanted to drop in and tell you that you and your family will be in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard it is to have your own child not only scare you that way but have to call the police on him. You do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your family safe. Your son will thank you in the long run. Are you getting therapy for yourself and the rest of your family? I'm sure that was something very traumatic and in order to take care of your family, you must take care of yourself. That means getting help yourself to deal with any residual feelings leftover from that scare. Keeping yourselves safe is the momst important thing to worry about at this point. Sending comforting hugs your way, MyHrt31
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Learner, welcome back.
    I am so sorry for your trauma.

    I am glad that the police and you were able to work out a program for therapy rather than jail for your son.

    I'm curious as to why you would still need to know how to get out of a tied-up position. You seem to think he's going to do it again.
    Or, you're reliving the experience.
    Yes, thigh muscles work great, and scooting to an object like a stair, is a good idea, as Anaheimfan suggested.
    If you do the laundry or take a shower and your son is in the house, or do anything else where you are absorbed and have to turn your back, you must have a lock on the door. Remember, at 16, he's smart and capable, so if he wants to get you through a locked door, he will. It will simply slow him down enough so that you can get to Plan B. Which is ...?

    He needs to understand that to play "games" like that, to see if the person can get out of it, he needs approval and permission from the other person. To him, you are not another person. You are an object, like a chair or a vase.
    If he hasn't gotten to that point in therapy, I would not allow him back in the house.

    Best of luck. I'm sending support and strength.