update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Jul 15, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I don't have an update on difficult child. I have detached from the constant worry and stress of my life revolving around his mistakes.

    I want to share an update of a mom that has reached happiness.

    For others that are in the darkness that smothered me for so many years, I want to share hope for the future.

    I had goals. I had dreams. Both for myself and my son.

    Finally realizing that it was okay for me to be happy and continue own with my life despite the fact that my son was continuing to destroy his future was short of a miracle.

    I have seen docs. I have been put on medications. My emotions have put me in the bed. I have broken off contact from family and friends. I have stopped doing anything that once brought me joy.

    For so long I couldn't understand why I couldn't experience happiness any longer. As a mom, I wouldn't allow myself to feel happy while I thought my son was in turmoil.

    My son is not in turmoil. My son thinks he is living life to the fullest and that rules are in place to keep him from having fun. One day he will realize his mistakes. My being miserable will not hasten that fact.

    I have picked up my dreams and goals and I am allowing myself to be happy once again. It is a wonderful release!! I have gone from spinning in circles with one crisis after the other to making a straight line to reach my goals.

    I just wanted to share for others that may be spinning in the circles now. Everyone here talks about detaching, once I understood how to detach I became happy again.

    We have done our jobs. We love our children unconditionally and we have suffered great pain in raising them and trying to get them to change. It is up to them now to make wise choices, they know right from wrong and they also know what will happen when they make bad choices. At some point we have to step back and let them experience the pain that comes from bad choices or else they will never want to change.

    If we are always there to rescue them, how will they ever learn to stop what they are doing.

    The process will happen regardless if we are happy or sad. I hope this helps someone grab hold of a dream or a goal they let go when they became consumed by the pain of having a difficult child.

    Sending ((((HUGS)))) to you all

    Traci
     
  2. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Traci,

    Thanks for the encouraging words. I have put my life on hold ever since we found out Angela was abusing drugs. That was 11 years ago. I used to be a writer and had many articles and children's stories published in magazines. The troubles with Angela and then with Melissa crushed my desire to write and the creativity that was needed to do so. I keep saying I want to get back into my writing but still have not. I keep putting it off.

    I must learn how to detach better and begin to write again. I know that will give me enjoyment.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If we are always there to rescue them, how will they ever learn to stop what they are doing. </div></div>

    You are right. I need to remember this.

    Sue
     
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Traci,
    what a beautiful posting! I am so glad you have found yourself again. You are right, it is so hard to realize that you can be happy despite your child's actions and bad decisions. That was very hard for me to accept, that I could be happy even if my child was miserable. It wasn't going to make any difference to her, was not going to help her for me to be miserable, but we are so tied to our children that it is hard to feel okay about not taking on their misery.

    If you have other children it is especially important to maintain your own identity and life. They will bend over backwards to make things okay for you, to make up for the misery the difficult child child is causing--not fair to them or anyone else. They need a good example--that because the difficult child is making bad choices doesn't mean everyone else's life has to come to a standstill. Also, for the difficult child herself, it is not good for her to have that kind of power over others.

    My difficult child 1 and I are getting along very well now that we are no longer enmeshed in each other's lives. The freedom I feel is wonderful--I no longer am shouldering her burdens and can just accept her for who she is or appears to be. I think she feels the same--she is in control of her life now and doesn't have to answer to me. We are relating as 2 separate adults now.

    Thanks for the posting,
    Jane
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My son is not in turmoil. My son thinks he is living life to the fullest and that rules are in place to keep him from having fun. One day he will realize his mistakes. My being miserable will not hasten that fact.
    </div></div>


    :bravo: :smile: :bravo:

    Congratulations on getting your life back, Traci. My hat's off to you this morning! :bow:

    :thumbsup:

    Suz :princess:
     
  5. jenbug

    jenbug New Member

    I have been reading and getting more and more depressed. I've searched the board to find someone who has a success story. Anything, maybe their difficult child found their passion and went away to university or graduated on time and now has a decent job. Something, anything. All of the stories are of group homes, half way houses, prison, rehab, the streets or still the same at home.
    This is distressing.... I've had hopes for my difficult child son and he'll just be 15 in August. I'm not giving up on him, but, I fear his future will be the same as the many posts that are out there.
    Your post was the closest to what I wanted. I have to continue on with my life in the midst of this chaos.
    I'm afraid for him and for our family. I hope my 13year old easy child daughter make it out unscathed. I hope my marriage survives.
    I hope I can continue to be happy.
    Thanks for your post. It helps.
     
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Jenbug,
    I guess I actually consider my difficult child 1's story to be a success at this point. As a young teen she was doing drugs, not attending school, staying away all night, etc. While in her second rehab she got her GED, got off hard drugs. She floundered after she left but now, at age 19, she has a job (exotic dancer, but it is legal and pays her bills), she has her own apt., she is financially and emotionally independent and a very nice person to be around. She is thankful for any little thing I do for her, calls just to say "hi", and knows she put this family through a lot of pain and misery so she understands why things were so rocky for so long. She doesn't blame me for all the bad choices she made, takes responsibility for her life now. She says she hopes to go to college and is saving money. That may or may not be true but it doesn't even matter to me anymore. I am glad she appears to be happy--when I talk to her or see her she seems happy and self-confident. Isn't that what we all ultimately want for our kids? She had to get there her own way, nothing I could do to change that, but she does seem to be there.
    Hugs,
    jane
     
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Traci,

    Your post is inspiring. I can almost envision you breaking out of that darkness.

    You must feel wonderful.
     
  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Sue ~ I know it is hard with Melissa at home to detach from the chaos. I hope you find your way back to your writing.

    Suz ~ Thanks!

    Jbrain ~ Thanks for sharing your story!

    Jenbug ~ There are difficult child success story's here. Hopefully other's will come along and share. It is hard, but you have found this board for support and your easy child is in therapy ~ You are two steps ahead in the game!

    BBK ~ It was quite a sight I am sure, seeing a 40 yr old woman wake up and realize I was spending my life hiding in the bed.
     
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Hearthope I am so happy for you. It is a wonderful feeling when you really detatch. I remember thinking I had detatched, but not really feeling it, but I knew when I really did. It is truly like there is a weight lifted off your shoulders when you realize that you can be happy and move on with your life. I am so happy for you :smile:

    Jenbug: There are many success stories here. My difficult child is one of them. I will add that he is one of them for today because I don't ever want to lose site of that, but for today he is clean and doing well. He is a recovering heroin addict, clean almost 10 months. Yes, he does live in a soberhouse, but he's working full time, he's happy and healthy and moving on with his life, as are we. He may not be moving onto college, but that wasn't anything I ever thought he would do anyway.
     
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    HH, I loved your post! I'm so glad you are doing well and taking care of yourself. -RM
     
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am happy that as they move on with their lives...so can we.
     
  13. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    just a simple thanks....I'm new here and it's been 51 days since difficult child walked out,angrily leaving me with the 9k student loan I cosigned for.Refusing to talk to me. I have spent the last 51 days in a constant state of worry. I get what you say...I wonder what I was before I was the negotiator, problem solver, whipping boy, and enabeler that my son has transformed me into.I feel like your post made it possible to see a little bit of light...
     
Loading...