vacation-what should I do?

[princess]

HI everyone:

I need advice again-my 19 year old pot smoker and husband myself and my 24 year old and his girlfriend are supposed to go on vacation this week-however my 19 year old who is to make payments to his father for insurance and cell phone and fines we paid for getting caught with pot has stopped making payments again my husband and him have been fighting again about this and my husband does not want him to go on vacation however I do not want to leave him alone in our home -he hangs around with all these kids who have been arrested for drugs and I am afraid they will be at our house stealing stuff. I also do not want to exclude him from the vacation plans, but I am not sure he can go a whole week without smoking pot -I also cleaned his room this weekend and I found these little tiny plastic bags with pictures of bats on them-no pills or anything in them-what is this stuff???? I am torn what to do??? If I make him stay home then I will be worried while I on vacation about him and our home --if he is with us and sneaks some drugs with him and gets caught what do I do then??? We are going to another State for the vacation so not sure of their state penalties-the vacation is paid for already with the exception of meals----either way I feel like I lose if I take him with us -it may be a bad time-if I leave him home also will have a bad time being worried about him-any advise????

 

[Kathy813]

I would definitely NOT leave him home alone!! been there done that and have the forged check to show for it.

Many of us have struggled with this problem. Is there someone your difficult child can stay with while you are gone? I would tell him that he has to find a place to stay while you are gone and make sure that you take away any keys he might have and change the code on your alarm system (and make sure that he knows you have changed the code).

If you do decide to take him with you, tell him that you will search his things before you leave to make sure that he doesn't bring any drugs with him.

You have a bigger problem, though. First of all, if he is refusing to pay for his insurance and cell phone, stop paying the bills for him. In fact, I would cancel the insurance and suspend the cell phone service. I hate to say this but you are funding his drug use if you pay for things like insurance, cell phone, and gas. That leaves any money that he has for drugs. A counselor said this to a very close friend of mine and it was an eye opener for her.

Is your difficult child working and/or going to school? Have you had these problems for a long time or have they just started? I'm sorry if you have shared your story before. It is hard to keep track of everyone's story. It would help if you added a signature to the bottom of your posts like the one you see below mine. That will help us remember so we don't ask over and over again.

Here is a link that explains how to add a signature.

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/signatures-8399/

~Kathy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Kathy pretty much said it all. I'd leave him with someone else and secure my house so he couldn't enter.

Sounds like he needs to stay home and job hunt/work so he can get caught up on his debts.

P.S. if anyone is in the market for new door locks, I love my Kwikset ones. These came with a tiny tool. You insert it...and presto, chango....the lock is rekeyed. Essential for a difficult child household.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Leaving him home is definitely an invitation to be burglarized. Unless you know of a relative, or very responsible and willing person to "babysit" him, I wouldn't be able to go on vacation with a clear head. Neither solution is perfect, but I think if you take him, you can at least keep an eye on him. Make sure he knows his personal items will be checked, before, during and after the trip. I don't know what the bags with the bats on them could be...if you find out, let us know.

 

[Nancy]

I agree with CJ. I would not leave him home alone unless you had a responsible person he could stay with. If you did bring him I would be make it clear to him that if he gets into any trouble in another state the consequences would be very serious and he may end up in jail in that state without support.

I understand your predicament. We use to go to Hilton Head every year. The last time we went was when difficult child was 13 and she almost ran off with some boys she met and we were going to have to call the SC police. The entire vacation was awful and we vowed never to take her on vacation again, and we didn't. Of course it made it hard on the entire family because we could not go either.

Little baggies are not good, I'm thinking cocaine or heroin. It could be pot too if you see any leafy residue, also pot would smell. Is there an odor from the bag?

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

The little baggies could be any drug. It could be pot if he was buying very small quanitities. I also saw these in my daughter's room from crystal meth. So, really, it could be from any drug. But they are definitely likely used for drugs. I have also seen body jewelry in them, but you would have found one laying around, not several. If there is any residue, that would be helpful determining what it could be. If you found a bunch and they weren't used? Could be that he is selling.

The last vacation difficult child was with us was on a cruise ship. She had obviously partied before we left and she slept a good majority of the time we were on the ship. When she did get up, she was a raving B and made everyone's vacation completely miserable. I vowed to never pay that much money to be miserable again and I haven't. We went to Hilton Head last year and she was none the wiser because she didn't live at home and we certainly weren't going to tell her the house would be empty all week and it was the best vacation EVER. So carefree, no stress, no fighting, just peace.

We are leaving Friday to go to Virginia for 8 days. It didn't even occur to me to bring her this time. She doesn't live at home, and I certainly would not want her grandparents to see her the way she is now. No way. But I am certainly not letting her know we are going anywhere, either...

 

[Nancy]

PG I just came back from Las Vegas with my easy child, teacher conference. We did not tell difficult child we would be gone. husband was also on a business trip in other states so no one was home. We had a friend of easy child's house/dog sit but difficult child has no keys and does not know the garage passcode.

What a shame that our difficult child's are missing out on so much family fun.

Nancy

 

[Nancy]

PG I just came back from Las Vegas with my easy child, teacher conference. We did not tell difficult child we would be gone. husband was also on a business trip in other states so no one was home. We had a friend of easy child's house/dog sit but difficult child has no keys and does not know the garage passcode.

What a shame that our difficult child's are missing out on so much family fun.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

I dont know...this is a tough one. I would not leave him home alone, especially as puishment...that seems like a recipe for disaster. I also dont like punishing him for nonpayment by not letting him come on a family vacation...he probably needs the family connection more not less. I agree though you should stop paying his bills and fines and letnhim face those consequences.

The problem of course with taking him on vacation is him acting up while on it....so the thing is you and the rest of the family need to figure out how to have a good time in spite of him.

Good luck with your decision.

TL