VENT totally fed up

[helpangel]

Sorry normally don't do pity parties but if I don't vent I'm gonna explode! I'll try to keep the whining & cursing to a minimum. No valuable information in this post - just a bunch of verbal vomit! Sorry this is gonna be a long one.


So a few days ago homeless guy was trying to get me to take 2 kittens off his hands; world seems to know I got a soft spot for cats with hard luck stories. I contemplated taking in the 2 kittens on the idea each girl could have their own cat like a therapy animal and maybe Angel would leave my 2 cats alone - the male is only 5 years old and developed a stress disorder / seizures.


So that night while I was trying to convince myself to take these kittens and that having 4 cats on leashes out at the campground wouldn't be too much hassle; Angel had a blow out I have no idea what over (scary part was it was an hour after night medications) sister got kicked & hit, tv got bounced off its face the female cat got thrown at R's head. Well that decides it I'm not bringing a baby anything in here.



So me (the idiot who talks too much) let slip at R's therapist yesterday how close I came to being a 4 cat household, R started whining about a kitty - I told her help with pets we have & I will let her get a hamster until we get Angel out of the house (current target 13 months) I'm praying the 2 cats I have can survive that long.


Last night the girls start their usual squabbling and R goes storming out of the room yelling about how it's all Angel's fault she doesn't get a kitten. So Angel starts up that she doesn't get a new kitten because R is a liar saying she is hurting the cat (I remember her making one fly the night before) so during her blowout she is throwing everything she can get her hands on at her sister. Its glass smashing, furniture throwing, I got caught in the cross fire a couple times a handful of pennies, a bunch of smashed m&ms in the face etc. Her older brother starts screaming back at her and throwing things (shoes etc) and keeps feeding her rage but some of the lines he's crossing; I was thinking they are probably both going to jail or the mostly innocent one (R) is going to end up in foster care protective custody.

Luckily Sat night in the big city cops came, acted like I was wasting their time and just need to get control of my kids. Understand about everyone on our police force has met my kids by now and most of them know I only call when I can't take it anymore. I don't care if their jail is full I would rather have spent night at the crisis center with Angel then let her get the idea her behavior is acceptable. GRRRRRR Her brother has a bachelors in psychology why does he keep provoking her? GRRRRR Any way I'm livid right now with my kids, my police department, yes even myself for not knowing when to keep my big mouth shut.


Today same thing everyone doing their own thing but in same room - me & son both on computers with girls watching a movie on tv; a neighbor starts doing yardwork running a weed whacker. So Angel closes front door so they can hear movie, brother yells about being too hot, Angel wants to turn tv volume up brother won't allow that either - I say "come on it's last 10 minutes of their movie why can't they hear how it ends?"


Well to my son this is me taking Angel's side like I do on everything according to him. Screaming match escalates to throwing stuff again. So Angel threw a metal file box and hit my son on his foot so he felt justified to pick it up and slam Angel in the back of the head with it. Not sure but I think my son has a couple bones broken in his foot; it figures the only one in the house with no insurance! Serves him right he knows better then to play with Angel! They both got marks today if cops come out - someone probably both of them are going to jail!


So to make a long story short (for a vent for me that was short LOL) my Mother's day do over isn't going anywhere near the way I had planned. Sitting here typing on the internet instead of piling my cats & clothes in the van and planning escape UGH need to quit planning stuff just do it! Wonder if we have bread? Thinking the gourmet Sunday dinner is going to be PB & J because guess what?


MY STRIKE IS BEING CONTINUED INDEFINITELY they thought I was lazy before just watch me! If anyone else is having a weekend like this feel free to growl and huff and snort right along with me misery loves company... I'm not miserable just lost my ability to laugh at the moment. GRRRRRR!

 

[TeDo]

That sounds so much like our house at times...... and our police department at times. For us, weekends are great because difficult child 1 is off doing his own thing and only comes home at mealtime and bed. I LOVE the strike idea!! Also, there is no reason not to say the honest truth. The kids can't be protected from it all their lives. They have to learn to deal with disappointment and not getting what they want because of someone else and NOT go off the deep end over it. THAT IS LIFE.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Liahona]

And I thought my night was bad. If they were a decade younger I'd suggest time outs, but that might not work in your case. Oh, good luck.

 

[helpangel]

I left that post up when I abandoned the computer a while ago and they seem to be acting a little better, upon notice I wasn't cooking my son went and bought me a burrito and ordered his sisters to clean so I will start cooking again LOL

It's been more then a decade I been dealing with this - though the idea sounds good a decade ago they didn't know what a whoopin was but they feared it enough to get them moving.

 

[TerryJ2]

So, was it the 27-yr-old who bought you the burrito?
I can't remember all of your old posts, but if he's 27 with-a college degree and he is provoking difficult child, he needs to move out. Now. Burritos or no burritos.
Gosh, sounds like a wild ride.
Are you all in the same room all the time? How big is your place? I'd be separating people all of the time.
I like the idea of going on strike. A LOT. Go for it.
What was the therapist's reaction and advice?
Were the kittens traumatized?
Many hugs.

 

[HopeRemains]

Kittens, oh my! My husband wanted to bring a dog into the family awhile ago. I had to be the bad guy and veto it because I didn't want to bring a poor animal into our home if it was just going to be traumatized with the screaming and violence. On one hand I thought, gee, it might HELP difficult child, and I know for sure it would help easy child, but ultimately I had to think of the poor animal. difficult child doesn't need one more body around here to hurt when he's mad, and a dog can't tell the tale if he was being hurt... scary.

 

[helpangel]

My son helps me a lot, without him I could never run to pharmacy, grocery, bank etc. without dragging one of the girls with me. Without him I would have had to drag youngest along for the ride when doing the 6-70 hour camp out sessions while they look for a bed for Angel.

Without my son's rent we could probably keep the roof over our heads but wouldn't have funds for cable/internet, electricity, food etc. The reason Angel & him conflict so much is because he is the only one who will stand up to her all the time, I usually only stand my ground when I feel its gonna matter in 40 years. Stuff like letting her hear last 10 minutes of a movie is stuff I usually drop and choose not to fight over.

Then there is the guilt; 10-15 years ago I had some kind of breakdown - the X split, work wasn't paying enough, no one to watch kids while I worked, psychiatrists were trialing me on every AD at the same time as I had developed a drinking problem. All the time walking around with my back throbbing from T9 knocked out of place, I was making thru the day but barely. There has been more then one psychiatrist flipping thru the DSM scratching their head because what my problem is isn't listed, yes I have symptoms of various disorders but on each one I also had the thing that ruled out that diagnosis! Hence why I ended up going an alternative medication route that doesn't have much reason to be on a parenting forum. That route also helps with pain management & dealing with my ulcers.

In middle school my son's day went like this - 6 am get up check mom for a pulse, do homework, switch laundry to next stage, shower, eat breakfast, walk to school, after school hurry home because only have an hour and half to do paper route before mom leaves, eat dinner, watch sisters till 10pm when mom gets home to hear here nagging about why the house is a mess, dinner dishes not done and dealing with sisters who bounce off the walls till around 2 am, then get up tomorrow and do the same thing.

When I was in junior high my biggest concern was if the boy I liked was going to ask me to dance on Friday? I hate all the responsibility I piled on my son's shoulders when he was only 12yo. It was like I was drowning and he was the only one with a flotation devise in sight. I'm just so glad I had raised him to be strong enough to not let me pull him under with me; actually he kept my head out of the water until I could paddle on my own.

The kids never saw the kittens and if I had kept my mouth shut would have never known about them. The therapist thinks I'm doing best anyone could in this situation and agrees with R, Angel's CM, Angel & I that Angel moving out would be a good thing. - and is glad my youngest is her patient not Angel LOL. Besides shared genes with Angel, R's biggest problem is dealing with her own issues in the toxic environment caused by her sisters illness.

If my son had his own bedroom a lot of the conflicts could be avoided, but only got a 2 bedroom house and the basement is more like a cellar, the youngest put her bed in the kitchen dining area which leaves my son in the living room. The only way I can give him a room is to give up my bedroom and I had to wait for him to go to college to get out of the living room and that's not happening again - I need my mom cave LOL.

Angel will be in separate living arrangements from us in 2-14 months; just need to maintain until then. Her & I its exactly same as me & my mom - we love each other but you can only have one queen bee in a bee hive; she needs to move out so her and I can like each other again.

UGH sorry started writing a book again. I use the forums to replace a therapist for myself doesn't require gas, on my schedule (no missed appointment fees), no co pays, 24 hours - I know a few times people read my posts and wonder where is the ? - a lot of times there isn't one it is me sorting stuff out in my head or venting. I teared up when I was reminding myself what I had put my son thru, many times he's the only one besides you all that gets it.

The strike has been going since Mother's day therapist, CM, school all know about it - funny thing is it was every man for himself for a couple days then R cooked 2 nights, A cooked 1, son bought pizza for everyone - sure kitchen is trashed, but garbage made it out so I did some dishes and I hung a fly strip (YUCK) in the bathroom - because partial strike is still on.

 

[DammitJanet]

HA- is it all possible to get respite or even some Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement for Angel? I actually can understand how you feel about your oldest son. Sometimes us moms go through things when we were younger that we simply had no idea what was going on. That happened to me. I was miserable for years and my family thought I had the worst case of PMS that was ever known for years until my youngest son was diagnosed with bipolar and I read The Bipolar Child and recognized myself in that book. Oh my gosh! Someone had been looking in on my life...lol. Thats when I realized that I wasnt crazy and what was wrong with me had a name. I finally got diagnosed and treatment at 38. Before then it was pretty much a war zone with me being a miserable witch and their dad having to run interference so I didnt do too much damage. Thankfully I did realize I had some problems so I handed off a lot of parenting details such as discipline to their dad because I was afraid I would hurt them. They dont remember any of this though. Or say they dont.

In your case, with that much violence going on, I would try to get everyone separated fast. Thankfully my kids didnt fight to that degree. Sure they fought because they were boys but not to really hurt each other badly. Yours are attempting to really hurt each other and they can literally mess up the rest of their lives now. If your son has a college degree in psychology and gets arrested well his future is zip. You have a two bedroom place but even with 3 kids you can portion off places in the house for the other two so that they each have a place to get away from each other. You say the youngest sleeps in the kitchen. Then partition off a place in the living room or dining room for your son. Or didnt you say you have a basement? Make a place down there for him. He needs some place for himself. You can do it with curtains or even furniture.

Good luck.

 

[helpangel]

It's always hectic here but not to this level - Angel is probably going to end up inpatient again (I think she needs it) been downward spiral since Thanksgiving. There has been an arrest for shoplifting and a psychiatric hospital stay where seroquel went from 300mg to 700mg, but she is still circling the drain.

At the moment my son threw that metal box and hit her he was in a lot of pain and totally snapped. Which was why I broke a big rule and turned my back to Angel and got right into my son's face. He knows he crossed a line and can try to avoid it in the future, but you can't go back in time and not snap after the fact. That scene the other day can never happen again, if he's that mad he needs to leave - he can sit in his truck if nothing else.

They all got their own areas but the problem comes up with neither of the girls have cable (Angel's hookup trashed and kitchen never had one) and the computers are all in the living room. both of them belong to my son. I kind of need the one I use in center of the house (living room) so can keep tabs on things, it also helps monitor the girls online activities.

Basement walls are melting the air is not fit for anyone down there - I've looked at this from every angle ( I totally over think things ) the only way I can figure to make it any better now would be to get about 4o feet of cable wire and another cable box for Angel's room - no way she gets internet in there.

Respite hmmm I've heard of it just never met the CM or therapist who could make it happen for us... gonna dream about that a few

 

[InsaneCdn]

Stupid question, but... are you in a HOUSE, as in, not an apartment? In that case, any chance you could get a cheap older travel-trailer, to make a temporary bedroom for your son? Might not work in the middle of winter, but... it could buy you 5 or 6 months...

 

[DammitJanet]

Yes, I am going to help throw out ideas because I get your frustrations. Cable and internet. Do you have wifi? Can you put a router in there and put one of the computers on the wifi so that one of the computers is on wifi so you can move it to a different room? That way one of them can be in a different room and if they cant watch tv in whatever room, they can at least watch hulu or netflix on it. As far as cable, spend the few extra bucks and have them come out and put the cable in different areas.

Like insane said...can you put a camper in your back yard? Look on craigslist or even freecycle for an older one. People will get rid of the oddest things. Even the smallest camper would be a better thing. Do you have a shed in the backyard? He can stick an AC out there and move in. Sure he would have to come in for the bathroom but oh well.

Not knowing your homes layout it makes it a bit difficult to throw out ideas but say if you had a kitchen, 2 bedrooms and a living room and dining room, I would partition off the dining room for the oldest. If its big enough you could make it into two rooms for both oldest and youngest with heavy drapes and a bookcase. Two small TV's for each of them. Angel gets the bedroom so she can be sent there to be away from family. Now, when she leaves, I would move the oldest in there because he is the one who deserves his own space since he is the contributing party.

Are you on a list for a larger apartment by any chance?

 

[helpangel]

The thing I call a dining room off the kitchen was originally the back porch that the landlord knocked wall out to have room to put a table in there. My daughters twin bed takes up the whole area with barely a walkway to get past it. She's offered it to my son his padlocked closet is right there... I'm gonna clean my closet to give it to R for her stuff and gonna go with that idea. Then my son can quit calling the living room his bedroom, forcing Angel into my room to watch cable, Rachel can put her cot anywhere she decides to sleep. Move my medications to the nasty basement and slowly but surely that pigsty will get cleaned if I'm down there for 10 minutes 8 times a day.

There is no way an apartment would work for my family, the noise level here - we would be moving every year (been here 24years it would take a year to get the clutter under control.) I'm the only person I know who declare "TG" when the sewer backs up LOL - hey insurance company sends in a team to clean my basement and they pay me for all the stuff they dumpster WIN WIN all I have to do is keep an inventory of the toys kids don't play with, and electronics they haul out. They even cleaned and referbished my washer & dryer last time - Guess I'll wait till done with this post to start doing the rain dance LOL. Other houses in this area (even 2 bedrooms) cost about $400 more a month then what I'm paying here.

On suggestion of a camper or shed this is one of the best ideas YET! a couple weeks ago there was a thread about difficult child's living in back yards and you will notice when everyone else was "who would want to live in a shed?" I was all "me, me I'll put my mom cave out there" even offered free storage space for anyone looking to store a camping trailer.

My parents live one city over and have an extra bedroom; I've suggested my son move over there, don't know how I would make it without his rent but this is about survival not money. When I quit my job 10 years ago I didn't know how was going to make it just knew Angel needed a full time mom.

Every time I suggest my son go to the grandparents house he brings up some very valid points. My parents are 81 years old they need help with everything, my mother is afraid to drive and my dad shakes so bad he can't do it safely anymore but does, can barely see in daylight forget it after dark. I live one city over so the night my dad's mason's meet I drive him over then go back & sit with my mom while he is gone until one of his friends drops him off afterward. My mom the difficult child has been steadily getting worse over the past 20 years. I can't get her to a neurologist SHE JUST WON'T GO!

My brother goes over and does all the yard work, my sister (first born) not sure what she does but she is executor when they pass; if my son moves in over there and takes over the yard work etc. my brother won't be by the house twice a week for lunch (sure would still come a couple times a month but not every week) My son would be responsible for all the driving, housekeeping, yardwork etc and when ever one or both of them passes my sister is gonna come thru there like a tornado and my son will be out on his .

As soon as I can spare him my son wants to get his own life, in spite of serious health issues people on my mom's side tend to live to see 100yo. I can fully understand why my son doesn't want to be trapped under same roof with my mom for 20 years; at this point I'm the only one who can handle being around my mom for more then an hour. I'm just praying can get Angel living arrangements before something happens to dad and I have to move over there permanently. Luckily she has a garage and a camper in her backyard so we will be able to figure something out then.

For now guess I need to get off the computer and start cleaning my closet - wow this is going to be like Christmas gonna find stuff I didn't even know I had LOL