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<blockquote data-quote="Mamaof5" data-source="post: 400727"><p>Oh, I won't be doing anything out of anger. The "B" in me wants to but I'm too logical to do that. I'm going to let the keylogger do it's job. I'm going to let it go for a couple of days or so and see what comes of it. It's hard to act normal, I've been a bit too quiet and I think he has noticed because he hasn't "run" for the computer right away after dinner. In fact watched half of First 48, made dinner tonight too out of the blue. I realize now that lately he's been short tempered with little stuff and the kids.</p><p></p><p>Especially tonight but I think because I've been one word answers and quiet. I haven't been mean or anything and he hasn't said anything either but I bet he feels it. I can't help that and he might broach the subject tonight if he's brave enough (to which I think he just might). I won't lie but I won't volunteer either. Not yet anyway.</p><p></p><p>I do like that too: The "he may not have done anything but he chose to change the dynamics to secrets". No I don't suspect he thinks I'd check up on him even though we both have always said if we felt the need to to do so. All day I've been holding back the anger and tears and ended up privately exploding when I took a bath. I thought I'd forgotten how to silent cry guess it's like riding a bike, you just remember instinctively how.</p><p></p><p>On a plus side. An unexpected 750 bucks came in the form of a benefits check from self employment as a one time benefit for clothes for the kids. Along with FINALLY getting my HST\GST benefit today. I'm taking MY GST\HST for me and damned straight that 750 IS buying clothes for the kids (they absolutely need it along with new bedding and winter stuff ...again. I swear the dollar-ramma loves my kids for multiple hat, mitts and scarf purchases in the dozens during winter season LOL). I'm okay right now, I am my mother's daughter and stronger than I may appear. Being a writer and writing about it is cathartic.</p><p></p><p>No worries on STDs, I'm positive with what I have collected for proof that it is NOT physical but purely an emotional affair (so the evidence is suggesting so far). I'm not disillusioned though, I could be wrong but I'm not even if he doesn't realize what he's doing is an emotional affair. Though I don't think he's that much of a jack..well you get the picture.</p><p></p><p>Right now I feel contempt, hatred and pure rage toward him. Normal I'm sure. Denial part of grieving is at least over and I at least have an idea of where I stand at the moment. I don't see him being confrontational when I do confront him. I know he'll talk it out but he's got a long way to go before I trust him again fully and I will be making cutting ties completely without so much as a word demands. What really sucks...I'm hearing impaired so micro expression and body language has been screaming at me for over a year and I've been completely ignoring or dismissing it for that amount of time.</p><p></p><p>He works as a taxi driver but when he was towing the farthest he went in that time was in town, to Suds or Sault which is about 2.5 hrs either way of us and that is it. I know he's clean, my immune system is compromised and I would have known immediately something was up. I would have already been in the hospital but I'm still going for blood work JUST in case I'm wrong there too. I haven't told anyone at all, not my mom, my sister, close friends...no one. That's a hard part too. As soon as my mom calls or my sister I'm going to fall apart and then I'll have to say something. They just know right away if there's something wrong. My mom is psychic that way...it's to the point it's scary and she dogs you until it comes out.</p><p></p><p>*big breath* I can do this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mamaof5, post: 400727"] Oh, I won't be doing anything out of anger. The "B" in me wants to but I'm too logical to do that. I'm going to let the keylogger do it's job. I'm going to let it go for a couple of days or so and see what comes of it. It's hard to act normal, I've been a bit too quiet and I think he has noticed because he hasn't "run" for the computer right away after dinner. In fact watched half of First 48, made dinner tonight too out of the blue. I realize now that lately he's been short tempered with little stuff and the kids. Especially tonight but I think because I've been one word answers and quiet. I haven't been mean or anything and he hasn't said anything either but I bet he feels it. I can't help that and he might broach the subject tonight if he's brave enough (to which I think he just might). I won't lie but I won't volunteer either. Not yet anyway. I do like that too: The "he may not have done anything but he chose to change the dynamics to secrets". No I don't suspect he thinks I'd check up on him even though we both have always said if we felt the need to to do so. All day I've been holding back the anger and tears and ended up privately exploding when I took a bath. I thought I'd forgotten how to silent cry guess it's like riding a bike, you just remember instinctively how. On a plus side. An unexpected 750 bucks came in the form of a benefits check from self employment as a one time benefit for clothes for the kids. Along with FINALLY getting my HST\GST benefit today. I'm taking MY GST\HST for me and damned straight that 750 IS buying clothes for the kids (they absolutely need it along with new bedding and winter stuff ...again. I swear the dollar-ramma loves my kids for multiple hat, mitts and scarf purchases in the dozens during winter season LOL). I'm okay right now, I am my mother's daughter and stronger than I may appear. Being a writer and writing about it is cathartic. No worries on STDs, I'm positive with what I have collected for proof that it is NOT physical but purely an emotional affair (so the evidence is suggesting so far). I'm not disillusioned though, I could be wrong but I'm not even if he doesn't realize what he's doing is an emotional affair. Though I don't think he's that much of a jack..well you get the picture. Right now I feel contempt, hatred and pure rage toward him. Normal I'm sure. Denial part of grieving is at least over and I at least have an idea of where I stand at the moment. I don't see him being confrontational when I do confront him. I know he'll talk it out but he's got a long way to go before I trust him again fully and I will be making cutting ties completely without so much as a word demands. What really sucks...I'm hearing impaired so micro expression and body language has been screaming at me for over a year and I've been completely ignoring or dismissing it for that amount of time. He works as a taxi driver but when he was towing the farthest he went in that time was in town, to Suds or Sault which is about 2.5 hrs either way of us and that is it. I know he's clean, my immune system is compromised and I would have known immediately something was up. I would have already been in the hospital but I'm still going for blood work JUST in case I'm wrong there too. I haven't told anyone at all, not my mom, my sister, close friends...no one. That's a hard part too. As soon as my mom calls or my sister I'm going to fall apart and then I'll have to say something. They just know right away if there's something wrong. My mom is psychic that way...it's to the point it's scary and she dogs you until it comes out. *big breath* I can do this. [/QUOTE]
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