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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 376044" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>In MOST states (not sure if it is all) running away is generally not considered a "big deal" on a legal level, largely because if the runaway was an adult it would not be illegal. Some areas refer to this, and other things considered illegal only because they are done by a child, as a status offense. </p><p> </p><p>on the other hand, locking a child out of their home is a BIG DEAL, both in the eyes of law enforcement officers and in the eye of children's services (whatever they are called). I understand what you are saying about following through, and consisten follow through is almost always the best way to handle things, but if you do this you very likely will not be able to adopt the other child or any other children. Parents who do this here are usually charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, and often either lose custody of other children or end up with their lives and parenting being scrutinized and supervised by CPS.</p><p> </p><p>You are required by law to provide this child with a roof over his head (even if he refuses to come home), a mattress (can be on the floor) with a sheet and a blanket and usually a pillow/pillowcase, a toilet, someplace to bathe/shower, food and clothing/shoes appropriate for the weather. None of this needs to be fancy, or even what the child likes. </p><p> </p><p>Often it takes filing a LOT of reports to get the courts to do much of anything but impose community service hours, fines (generally parents are responsible for paying them unless the judge says otherwise <em>ands sticks with it when the child is late or refuses to make payments . </em>I know of at least 5 cases in my state where the judge imposed fines and said the parents were NOT to provide the money - the child was to do work for parents or neighbors/others to earn the $$. After over a year the parents were ordered to pay the fines when the child would not, in any way, do anything to earn the money. One mother addressed the court and told the judge that as frustrated and angry with the teen as he was, imagine being faced with this over and over no matter what you did - and then to have to pay a lot of fines and court cases for the privilege of it, esp when multiple social workers, therapists and doctors all stated that they were doing all they could and were excellent parents. The judge had no answer except to lecture the kid - and we ALL know how well that works. NOT.</p><p> </p><p>Personally, I would get rid of all of his possessions except those you are legally required to. He won't come home? Fine. You are NOT required to be his storage unit. When he comes home he has just what is listed above, and his clothing is limited to 7-10 outfits (only 3 pr of pants are required, when children who are wards of the state are given their clothing or taken to shop for it they only get 3 prs - we learned this when our son spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital) that you and your wife deem acceptable. If you go to buy him more clothing, get it from a thrift store. If your son has a lot of name brand clothing go find a teen consignment store. You will get back part of your investment if they are in decent shape. Provide his new wardrobe using $50 at a thrift store - it is what he had before, at least in my state.</p><p> </p><p>Sell or pawn any electronics that he owns, clear his room of EVERYTHING, including the dresser and any other furniture. He is just going to destroy it, most likely. The fewer items in his room the fewer places to hide drugs, weapons and other contraband. His clothing can be stored in a closet (remove the door so he doesn't damage it, or if it is damaged so he doesn't hide small items in it) or even in a cardboard chest or in milk cartons.</p><p> </p><p>He is clearly rejecting your home, but you still cannot legally lock him out of the house. You can lock him out of any room but his own, and I encourage strong doors (not the flimsy interior doors that are sometimes used - check for a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for used solid core or heavy duty doors) with deadbolts and hinges that are inside the rooms themselves. This will mean he cannot break through a door, pick the lock easily (those interior doorknobs with locks can be picked using a screwdriver or ice pick or most anything else that can fit in the hole - or replacement keys can be found for about $3 at Lowes or Home Despot), or remove the hinges. With a deadbolt and a solid core door he can only kick the door down if the lock is anchored into the molding instead of the actual framing around the door. It is the ONLY way to keep your home and belonging safe from him.</p><p> </p><p>You can disrupt the adoption, whatever that is called. He is very very likely to have Reactive Attachment Disorder, and there is very very little that can be done to turn that around. If you are not aware of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and attachment issues, PLEASE start learning about it TODAY!!! Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is what happens when a child does not form a close bond with someone during their first 3 years of life. If they are abused during those years, or a parent dies, or they are removed from parent or parents, they are at a very high risk of this. Even severely painful medical problems that last a long time can do this, though it is much much rarer. </p><p> </p><p>These children do not know how to love and they do not trust love in any way, shape, or form. They can be very very dangerous to anyone who attempts to love them, because they are very afraid of love in most cases. Chidlren who have been abused are most likely to be dangerous, from what I have been told, because someone professed to "love" them at the same time they were being hurt very badly.</p><p> </p><p>I believe one book on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Keck. Same author has other titles on the subject, I think. I looked into it years ago because several tdocs suggested it as a possibility for my son (bio, never abused) because he had two painful medical problems as a young child (ear infections were almost constant because the way his ear canals were and he woke up during urinary surgery because they needed to do 2 procedures and the anesthesiologist was too interested in eating a danish than in paying attention to what was going to happen - he chose a shorter acting medication that could not have more added with-o serious risk of death and Wiz came to as they started the second procedure.) Wiz and I were VERY closely bonded and we did NOT have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but a few "green" tdocs thought it might be possible.</p><p> </p><p>In your case you are NOT going to be able to parent this child the way you are expecting to. He simply cannot allow it, and probably has no clue what it would look like or why he would want it. He may even prefer to go back to where/how he was living before you adopted him. While he isn't old enough to truly live on his own, you may get better results if you approach him as a roommate rather than a parent. At the very least you will likely have better luck if you use a collaborative approach to parenting rather than a more traditional method. Many of us here have great luck using methods described in "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene - it describes how to use this collaborative approach.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know if it will be the best thing with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. One of the moms here, Timer Lady, adopted twin 4yr olds with her husband. They learned quickly that the kids had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They had better luck using methods from Love and Logic Parenting by Fay and Cline. You can learn more about L&L on the website, "loveandlogic.com" - don't skip parts aimed at teachers, some of these methods can also be helpful. There are quite a few different L&L books and the website lists them and gives a description. Many of them are available in audiobook format as well as printed format. </p><p> </p><p>My husband had some similar parenting beliefs as you. The more I learned about our difficult child's problems and how traditional parenting just wouldn't work, the harder it was for my husband. few of the books seemed worthwhile to him and he rarely read more than the first few pages, no matter how well the methods were working for me. Lots of times I read the books and fed him the ideas as we talked about the kids. It wasn't easy for me. Then I found L&L -we were at a REALLY bad point and NEEDED help and to work together. L&L stressed natural, logical consequences (combined with creativity and planning) while strengthening a loving bond between parent and child. The techniques work best when administered calmly (giving no reward to children who like to get Mom and Dad to yell and get angry) and they get rid of that old saw that a child will forget what the punishment or consequence is for if it is not immediate. (I always had a problem with that - they can remember what a reward is for even if it is given at a school assembly weeks later, can't they? And what their birthday is celebrating and it only happens once a year!)</p><p> </p><p>I read the book and told my husband that if we were going to make it as a family then he NEEDED to read it. I waited until he had seen me use one technique several times with astonishing results, and asked me about it, then gave him the book. My husband actually read it from cover to cover in a very short time - and it made sense to him!!! The other books never seemed to make any sense to him, so this was (to me, at least) a miracle!!! </p><p> </p><p>Anyway, that is enough for now.</p><p> </p><p>Welcome to our group - you will soon find that we really DO believe you when you describe outrageous things your child does, that we DON'T judge you, and that our advice is largely based on our experiences as we have been there done that in many cases. It is nice to meet you, though I am sorry you had to seek us out.</p><p> </p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p><p> </p><p>ps. You might also find help/support/ideas by googling Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) support</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 376044, member: 1233"] In MOST states (not sure if it is all) running away is generally not considered a "big deal" on a legal level, largely because if the runaway was an adult it would not be illegal. Some areas refer to this, and other things considered illegal only because they are done by a child, as a status offense. on the other hand, locking a child out of their home is a BIG DEAL, both in the eyes of law enforcement officers and in the eye of children's services (whatever they are called). I understand what you are saying about following through, and consisten follow through is almost always the best way to handle things, but if you do this you very likely will not be able to adopt the other child or any other children. Parents who do this here are usually charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, and often either lose custody of other children or end up with their lives and parenting being scrutinized and supervised by CPS. You are required by law to provide this child with a roof over his head (even if he refuses to come home), a mattress (can be on the floor) with a sheet and a blanket and usually a pillow/pillowcase, a toilet, someplace to bathe/shower, food and clothing/shoes appropriate for the weather. None of this needs to be fancy, or even what the child likes. Often it takes filing a LOT of reports to get the courts to do much of anything but impose community service hours, fines (generally parents are responsible for paying them unless the judge says otherwise [I]ands sticks with it when the child is late or refuses to make payments . [/I]I know of at least 5 cases in my state where the judge imposed fines and said the parents were NOT to provide the money - the child was to do work for parents or neighbors/others to earn the $$. After over a year the parents were ordered to pay the fines when the child would not, in any way, do anything to earn the money. One mother addressed the court and told the judge that as frustrated and angry with the teen as he was, imagine being faced with this over and over no matter what you did - and then to have to pay a lot of fines and court cases for the privilege of it, esp when multiple social workers, therapists and doctors all stated that they were doing all they could and were excellent parents. The judge had no answer except to lecture the kid - and we ALL know how well that works. NOT. Personally, I would get rid of all of his possessions except those you are legally required to. He won't come home? Fine. You are NOT required to be his storage unit. When he comes home he has just what is listed above, and his clothing is limited to 7-10 outfits (only 3 pr of pants are required, when children who are wards of the state are given their clothing or taken to shop for it they only get 3 prs - we learned this when our son spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital) that you and your wife deem acceptable. If you go to buy him more clothing, get it from a thrift store. If your son has a lot of name brand clothing go find a teen consignment store. You will get back part of your investment if they are in decent shape. Provide his new wardrobe using $50 at a thrift store - it is what he had before, at least in my state. Sell or pawn any electronics that he owns, clear his room of EVERYTHING, including the dresser and any other furniture. He is just going to destroy it, most likely. The fewer items in his room the fewer places to hide drugs, weapons and other contraband. His clothing can be stored in a closet (remove the door so he doesn't damage it, or if it is damaged so he doesn't hide small items in it) or even in a cardboard chest or in milk cartons. He is clearly rejecting your home, but you still cannot legally lock him out of the house. You can lock him out of any room but his own, and I encourage strong doors (not the flimsy interior doors that are sometimes used - check for a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for used solid core or heavy duty doors) with deadbolts and hinges that are inside the rooms themselves. This will mean he cannot break through a door, pick the lock easily (those interior doorknobs with locks can be picked using a screwdriver or ice pick or most anything else that can fit in the hole - or replacement keys can be found for about $3 at Lowes or Home Despot), or remove the hinges. With a deadbolt and a solid core door he can only kick the door down if the lock is anchored into the molding instead of the actual framing around the door. It is the ONLY way to keep your home and belonging safe from him. You can disrupt the adoption, whatever that is called. He is very very likely to have Reactive Attachment Disorder, and there is very very little that can be done to turn that around. If you are not aware of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and attachment issues, PLEASE start learning about it TODAY!!! Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is what happens when a child does not form a close bond with someone during their first 3 years of life. If they are abused during those years, or a parent dies, or they are removed from parent or parents, they are at a very high risk of this. Even severely painful medical problems that last a long time can do this, though it is much much rarer. These children do not know how to love and they do not trust love in any way, shape, or form. They can be very very dangerous to anyone who attempts to love them, because they are very afraid of love in most cases. Chidlren who have been abused are most likely to be dangerous, from what I have been told, because someone professed to "love" them at the same time they were being hurt very badly. I believe one book on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Keck. Same author has other titles on the subject, I think. I looked into it years ago because several tdocs suggested it as a possibility for my son (bio, never abused) because he had two painful medical problems as a young child (ear infections were almost constant because the way his ear canals were and he woke up during urinary surgery because they needed to do 2 procedures and the anesthesiologist was too interested in eating a danish than in paying attention to what was going to happen - he chose a shorter acting medication that could not have more added with-o serious risk of death and Wiz came to as they started the second procedure.) Wiz and I were VERY closely bonded and we did NOT have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but a few "green" tdocs thought it might be possible. In your case you are NOT going to be able to parent this child the way you are expecting to. He simply cannot allow it, and probably has no clue what it would look like or why he would want it. He may even prefer to go back to where/how he was living before you adopted him. While he isn't old enough to truly live on his own, you may get better results if you approach him as a roommate rather than a parent. At the very least you will likely have better luck if you use a collaborative approach to parenting rather than a more traditional method. Many of us here have great luck using methods described in "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene - it describes how to use this collaborative approach. I don't know if it will be the best thing with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. One of the moms here, Timer Lady, adopted twin 4yr olds with her husband. They learned quickly that the kids had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They had better luck using methods from Love and Logic Parenting by Fay and Cline. You can learn more about L&L on the website, "loveandlogic.com" - don't skip parts aimed at teachers, some of these methods can also be helpful. There are quite a few different L&L books and the website lists them and gives a description. Many of them are available in audiobook format as well as printed format. My husband had some similar parenting beliefs as you. The more I learned about our difficult child's problems and how traditional parenting just wouldn't work, the harder it was for my husband. few of the books seemed worthwhile to him and he rarely read more than the first few pages, no matter how well the methods were working for me. Lots of times I read the books and fed him the ideas as we talked about the kids. It wasn't easy for me. Then I found L&L -we were at a REALLY bad point and NEEDED help and to work together. L&L stressed natural, logical consequences (combined with creativity and planning) while strengthening a loving bond between parent and child. The techniques work best when administered calmly (giving no reward to children who like to get Mom and Dad to yell and get angry) and they get rid of that old saw that a child will forget what the punishment or consequence is for if it is not immediate. (I always had a problem with that - they can remember what a reward is for even if it is given at a school assembly weeks later, can't they? And what their birthday is celebrating and it only happens once a year!) I read the book and told my husband that if we were going to make it as a family then he NEEDED to read it. I waited until he had seen me use one technique several times with astonishing results, and asked me about it, then gave him the book. My husband actually read it from cover to cover in a very short time - and it made sense to him!!! The other books never seemed to make any sense to him, so this was (to me, at least) a miracle!!! Anyway, that is enough for now. Welcome to our group - you will soon find that we really DO believe you when you describe outrageous things your child does, that we DON'T judge you, and that our advice is largely based on our experiences as we have been there done that in many cases. It is nice to meet you, though I am sorry you had to seek us out. (((((hugs))))) ps. You might also find help/support/ideas by googling Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) support [/QUOTE]
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