Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Voluntary Lock out?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 376171" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Your response to MWM came in while I was typing mine. You have already done a LOT to try to help the situation, and you are MUCH further along than most are when they seek us out. So feel free to ignore anything you have already done.</p><p> </p><p>My comment on locks and doors was meant for any door he can open when he enters the home. Other kids' rooms, the room you and wife share, the kitchen if he raids/trashes it, rooms with computers, tvs, game systems. If/when you get rid of his stuff, he WILL retaliate by getting rid of yours. Unless he cannot get to it. If he does destroy, damage, or sell your possessions you CAN file charges for theft, destruction of property, etc.... And you SHOULD. In this country until you are 18 you legally own NOTHING. Everything is owned by the parents, giving parents the right to give, sell or pawn any possession of a child. If the child does it to the parent's items, or a sib's items, it is against the law. </p><p> </p><p>Is the boy law abiding as far as you can see? If so the threat of police action may be enough. Chances are it will be way short of enough. You are likely to have to force your local police to file charges, but you have the right to do so and they must file them in you insist. Part of the reason they may be reluctant is because many parents later change their minds and get upset at the officers if they cannot stop the process once it is started.</p><p> </p><p>If the boy hurts you, wife, anyone else, a pet, or damages things you CAN call officers and tell them to take him, or take him to the police station yourself. They will do all sorts of things to try to talk or force you to change your mind. They may even say they have no where to send him. It is BS. My son was violent for a long time. 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital in 6th grade made a big difference, but about 1 1/2 yrs later he turned that anger on me. I have health issues and am not strong physically. In terms of will, that is another story. I refuse to be anyone's battered woman, or to set that example for our other kids (earlier he was abusing our daughter and making her hide it for fear he would kill their younger bro - he is the bio child of husband and I). The first time we called the cops he had hit me, and then proceeded to trash the living room and lock himself in the bathroom threatening to kill himself. There is a 4' by 8' mirror in that room and we were very scared. Officers spoke to him and he promised not to do it again, so my husband agreed he could stay here. Less than a week later he got mad at me when husband wasn't home and ran at me, headbutting me back into the bar that separates our LR and DR. The officers were about gone when husband showed up. They tried, hard, to get husband to talk me into letting difficult child come back in. I gave husband a choice, difficult child or the other kids and I. Too much was enough. The officers got an emergency order from a judgeand placed him in the youth shelter overnight. We had a hearing the next day and he was ordered into the shelter until a court date 2 weeks later. I took his clothing to the shelter that day and difficult child was thrilled to be there. We got a call the next day that we had to come get Wiz because he was thrown out for violating the rules - 6 rules in less than 24 hours, including hugging one of the girls on 2 occasions. She was crying, and given to manipulating boys, but there was a strict no contact rule. My parents live here and picked him up.</p><p> </p><p>Otherwise the officers would have gotten to arrest me for abandonment because I could NOTlet him endanger the rest of us. We still had court and they never did order me to take him home. The judge was FURIOUS with him, but still tried to talk us into settling it ourselves. Just when I talked the best Boy's Home in the state into evaluating him (it is an amazing place and would have done wonders for him in so many ways) my dad asked to be given a chance to help him. Somehow my parents did help him, though they will tell you they have no idea what worked. There is a thread about this that I posted the other day on the general board.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, this is to show you what you CAN do. They will likely threaten you with child abandonment or even child endangering, but you must be firm, calm, seem reasonable with-o giving in. Have a list of what he has done that makes it unsafe for him to remain with you, and for the family to have him remain. I mean that ways it is bad for him (he ends up out on the streets running with who know what kind of people, he is using drugs) and why it is bad for the family (bad example for other children, threatens wife, etc...).</p><p> </p><p>Personally, if your wife feels that way about him, he knows if. Has she told you exactly why she feels that way? I would be totally unsurprised if he had made some sort of sexual threat against her, likely when no one else could possibly hear it, and if he is street savvy (a very good possibility) likely in words that could be taken to mean something else. Many women feel extreme shame when a stranger says this kind of thing to them. To have a family member, even a "new' one, would likely make it far, far worse. She may even think you won't believe her, even though I am sure you will/would have. These kids are extremely good at manipulating people. crazy scary good like no one who hasn't been through it several times would believe. You may have to ask your wife if he has threatened her. I am NOT NOT NOT saying your wife doesn't love and trust you. I am saying that this teen may have been able to convince her that even you won't believe her. It is impossible to know how you will feel or respond to that sort of threat until it has been made to you or you find that a loved one has been threatened that way. I don't want to scare you, just prepare you so that you can gently ask your wife if anything like that has happened. If it hasn't, you are lucky and she is blessed.</p><p> </p><p>Kids with the background of sexual abuse like your son, combined with the families he has had, are largely unlike anything anyone is ready for or able to help. Many are sophisticated beyond YOUR years in the arts of threatening and coercion. Until they find some reason to motivate themselves to change, nothing will help them. They won't trust, love, etc... or experience any kind of healthy relationship. In many cases, if they cannot get what they want easily they will use sexual threats or enticements to get it. Regardless of how old they are, how old their target is, and what sex any party is. All that matters is what they want.</p><p> </p><p>If you have ANY other children in the house you MUST supervise every single SECOND they spend together. Video cameras are an excellent investment to help ensure safety and if needed prove threats and assaults. Check out online spy shops and ebay for the best prices. Don't forget about sites like ebates.com and extrabuxx.com that give a % of the purchase price back as a quarterly check or paypal deposit if you shop at certain etailers. In a pinch there are video baby monitors that are quite reliable though they do not record, at least not as far as I know.</p><p> </p><p>I hope htis helps. Oh - if yougo through the police they will eventually place him with social services in a group home or foster home. You will most likely have to pay child support, even if he ends up in juvie for all or part of that time. If he has an explosives charge is there a chance he will end up in juvie?? Or that his drug tests will be dirty enough often enough to get him sent to juvie for much of the time until his 18th birthday?</p><p> </p><p>I forgot that you asked about what happens after he is 18? Legally he gets a clean slate. I would NOT let him stay in your home. You may decide to help him with tuition if he wants to do a vocational or college course, but it is very unlikely that it would happen. It will probably be safest to make him leave on his 18th birthday, or at the end of that year in HS. If he stays in your home while finishing HS (if you can work things out to have him stay and make safe choices), then you NEED a contract that lays out what you expect from him and what will make you force him to leave. In some states if you let someone who is 18 or older stay there overnight you cannot just kick them out. You end up having to go through a formal eviction process which can take 30 days or longer. (A while back a member's 18yo let a "friend" spend the night for a few days because she had come in for a visit from out of town. When the friend wouldn't leave the kid tried to toss her out. The guest called the cops who said that it was illegal and if the guest was to leave it had to be via eviction or the guest's choice. This "guest" never paid a penny in rent, food, or anything else, and even got some other people to come stay with her, if I recall correctly. It sounds outrageous, but is the law in some areas. It makes the old Ben Franklin saying that fish and guests stink after 3 days seem like the time should be a lot shorter, doesn't it?)</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I hope this isn't too much at once. As for getting a diagnosis to figure out what is wrong, you would have to find a certified child and adolescent psychiatrist (with the md) and a neuropsychologist (special psychologist with extra training in how the brain affects behavior) to fully test him. Testing can take 12+ hours and is done in several sessions. Check out Children's or University Hospitals if you are so inclined. Also check your insurance because not all plans cover it and it is upwards of $1500. Schools can do some of the testing, but I would not expect the best or most complete results because they only look for things that impact academics.</p><p> </p><p>I hope I touched on most of your questions.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 376171, member: 1233"] Your response to MWM came in while I was typing mine. You have already done a LOT to try to help the situation, and you are MUCH further along than most are when they seek us out. So feel free to ignore anything you have already done. My comment on locks and doors was meant for any door he can open when he enters the home. Other kids' rooms, the room you and wife share, the kitchen if he raids/trashes it, rooms with computers, tvs, game systems. If/when you get rid of his stuff, he WILL retaliate by getting rid of yours. Unless he cannot get to it. If he does destroy, damage, or sell your possessions you CAN file charges for theft, destruction of property, etc.... And you SHOULD. In this country until you are 18 you legally own NOTHING. Everything is owned by the parents, giving parents the right to give, sell or pawn any possession of a child. If the child does it to the parent's items, or a sib's items, it is against the law. Is the boy law abiding as far as you can see? If so the threat of police action may be enough. Chances are it will be way short of enough. You are likely to have to force your local police to file charges, but you have the right to do so and they must file them in you insist. Part of the reason they may be reluctant is because many parents later change their minds and get upset at the officers if they cannot stop the process once it is started. If the boy hurts you, wife, anyone else, a pet, or damages things you CAN call officers and tell them to take him, or take him to the police station yourself. They will do all sorts of things to try to talk or force you to change your mind. They may even say they have no where to send him. It is BS. My son was violent for a long time. 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital in 6th grade made a big difference, but about 1 1/2 yrs later he turned that anger on me. I have health issues and am not strong physically. In terms of will, that is another story. I refuse to be anyone's battered woman, or to set that example for our other kids (earlier he was abusing our daughter and making her hide it for fear he would kill their younger bro - he is the bio child of husband and I). The first time we called the cops he had hit me, and then proceeded to trash the living room and lock himself in the bathroom threatening to kill himself. There is a 4' by 8' mirror in that room and we were very scared. Officers spoke to him and he promised not to do it again, so my husband agreed he could stay here. Less than a week later he got mad at me when husband wasn't home and ran at me, headbutting me back into the bar that separates our LR and DR. The officers were about gone when husband showed up. They tried, hard, to get husband to talk me into letting difficult child come back in. I gave husband a choice, difficult child or the other kids and I. Too much was enough. The officers got an emergency order from a judgeand placed him in the youth shelter overnight. We had a hearing the next day and he was ordered into the shelter until a court date 2 weeks later. I took his clothing to the shelter that day and difficult child was thrilled to be there. We got a call the next day that we had to come get Wiz because he was thrown out for violating the rules - 6 rules in less than 24 hours, including hugging one of the girls on 2 occasions. She was crying, and given to manipulating boys, but there was a strict no contact rule. My parents live here and picked him up. Otherwise the officers would have gotten to arrest me for abandonment because I could NOTlet him endanger the rest of us. We still had court and they never did order me to take him home. The judge was FURIOUS with him, but still tried to talk us into settling it ourselves. Just when I talked the best Boy's Home in the state into evaluating him (it is an amazing place and would have done wonders for him in so many ways) my dad asked to be given a chance to help him. Somehow my parents did help him, though they will tell you they have no idea what worked. There is a thread about this that I posted the other day on the general board. Anyway, this is to show you what you CAN do. They will likely threaten you with child abandonment or even child endangering, but you must be firm, calm, seem reasonable with-o giving in. Have a list of what he has done that makes it unsafe for him to remain with you, and for the family to have him remain. I mean that ways it is bad for him (he ends up out on the streets running with who know what kind of people, he is using drugs) and why it is bad for the family (bad example for other children, threatens wife, etc...). Personally, if your wife feels that way about him, he knows if. Has she told you exactly why she feels that way? I would be totally unsurprised if he had made some sort of sexual threat against her, likely when no one else could possibly hear it, and if he is street savvy (a very good possibility) likely in words that could be taken to mean something else. Many women feel extreme shame when a stranger says this kind of thing to them. To have a family member, even a "new' one, would likely make it far, far worse. She may even think you won't believe her, even though I am sure you will/would have. These kids are extremely good at manipulating people. crazy scary good like no one who hasn't been through it several times would believe. You may have to ask your wife if he has threatened her. I am NOT NOT NOT saying your wife doesn't love and trust you. I am saying that this teen may have been able to convince her that even you won't believe her. It is impossible to know how you will feel or respond to that sort of threat until it has been made to you or you find that a loved one has been threatened that way. I don't want to scare you, just prepare you so that you can gently ask your wife if anything like that has happened. If it hasn't, you are lucky and she is blessed. Kids with the background of sexual abuse like your son, combined with the families he has had, are largely unlike anything anyone is ready for or able to help. Many are sophisticated beyond YOUR years in the arts of threatening and coercion. Until they find some reason to motivate themselves to change, nothing will help them. They won't trust, love, etc... or experience any kind of healthy relationship. In many cases, if they cannot get what they want easily they will use sexual threats or enticements to get it. Regardless of how old they are, how old their target is, and what sex any party is. All that matters is what they want. If you have ANY other children in the house you MUST supervise every single SECOND they spend together. Video cameras are an excellent investment to help ensure safety and if needed prove threats and assaults. Check out online spy shops and ebay for the best prices. Don't forget about sites like ebates.com and extrabuxx.com that give a % of the purchase price back as a quarterly check or paypal deposit if you shop at certain etailers. In a pinch there are video baby monitors that are quite reliable though they do not record, at least not as far as I know. I hope htis helps. Oh - if yougo through the police they will eventually place him with social services in a group home or foster home. You will most likely have to pay child support, even if he ends up in juvie for all or part of that time. If he has an explosives charge is there a chance he will end up in juvie?? Or that his drug tests will be dirty enough often enough to get him sent to juvie for much of the time until his 18th birthday? I forgot that you asked about what happens after he is 18? Legally he gets a clean slate. I would NOT let him stay in your home. You may decide to help him with tuition if he wants to do a vocational or college course, but it is very unlikely that it would happen. It will probably be safest to make him leave on his 18th birthday, or at the end of that year in HS. If he stays in your home while finishing HS (if you can work things out to have him stay and make safe choices), then you NEED a contract that lays out what you expect from him and what will make you force him to leave. In some states if you let someone who is 18 or older stay there overnight you cannot just kick them out. You end up having to go through a formal eviction process which can take 30 days or longer. (A while back a member's 18yo let a "friend" spend the night for a few days because she had come in for a visit from out of town. When the friend wouldn't leave the kid tried to toss her out. The guest called the cops who said that it was illegal and if the guest was to leave it had to be via eviction or the guest's choice. This "guest" never paid a penny in rent, food, or anything else, and even got some other people to come stay with her, if I recall correctly. It sounds outrageous, but is the law in some areas. It makes the old Ben Franklin saying that fish and guests stink after 3 days seem like the time should be a lot shorter, doesn't it?) Anyway, I hope this isn't too much at once. As for getting a diagnosis to figure out what is wrong, you would have to find a certified child and adolescent psychiatrist (with the md) and a neuropsychologist (special psychologist with extra training in how the brain affects behavior) to fully test him. Testing can take 12+ hours and is done in several sessions. Check out Children's or University Hospitals if you are so inclined. Also check your insurance because not all plans cover it and it is upwards of $1500. Schools can do some of the testing, but I would not expect the best or most complete results because they only look for things that impact academics. I hope I touched on most of your questions. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Voluntary Lock out?
Top