Volunteers Of America....they may help difficult child

[DDD]

Well, I decided not to stay detached from difficult child. I know, I know, I've spent too many years trying to protect him from GFGmom and preparing him for independent living. But...he's living with GFGmom after losing his disability and his apartment and the honeymoon should be over within a month I'd guess.

So by networking around I found that Volunteers of American has apartments in our area for those with mental health issues. There are actually two complexes. One he can get into free...yep, at zero cost. The older one has efficiencies, is downtown, has a free lunch six days a week, has a meeting or rec room open til 11 pm with an adult staff member in charge. The smaller older one sounds more suitable for him and I know that he "knows" one or two of the residents. That one will cost him $270 a month. The free one is in an iffy neighborhood.

There is paperwork to be done. I'm probably going to incur the wrath of GFGmom but this weekend I am going to pick up difficult child and suggest he share his account with me and not his Mom and I'm going to get him to fill in the releases and apps. Wish me luck! He does not have to commit himself to moving but if they have all the paperwork on file he'll be put on a waiting list where he can decide for himself later.
DDD

 

[witzend]

Hmmm.... I wonder if they offer services like that in our area.

 

[DammitJanet]

That sounds wonderful!

 

[rlsnights]

They may offer payee services too. If so you may want to see if difficult child would like to have them be his payee. Having someone else handle most of the money for him that isn't in a power struggle about him might defuse some of the power struggle. And it may be in difficult child's long term best interests since you and his mom may not always be around to "supervise" him.

If you would consider that I would let social security know that you have concerns about his ability to handle money independently and ask if they would require that he have an institutional payee now and in the future. That way his mom may not be able to wrest control of his $$ back from him if you aren't around.

I don't know how much you know about using institutional payees. Usually they pay all the recurring bills for a client - rent, utilities, - anything the client says they want the payee to handle. Then the payee and the client decide how often he will get cash from them, usually a weekly amount, and then the client checks in each week and gets his weekly allowance to spend for food or whatever he likes.

 

[DDD]

Having a Payee sounds like the way to go for his own independence. Problem is a bit complex. He is a legal adult at 20 (although his maturity level is way below) and his GFGmom's influence is strong. He loves and trust husband and I but "Mom" has great influence over him. He lived with her for his early years and although he was not abused he was not appropriately attached due to her impulsive choices. We kept him at our home for a few years Sunday night to Friday afternoon so she wouldn't have him going from sitter to sitter. Then...she took him back and left him with a very sorry boyfriend. When she got pg. again He came to live with us full time for a year and a half b/4
she reclaimed him. That was when she went for disability for him..sigh. After about a year (maybe less) she was evicted and we brought him home permanently...or so we thought. Five or six years
at our home and all was going well. THEN GFGmom talked him into leaving us and moving in with her and his "little sister". She guaranteed no chaos, swore undying love etc. etc. and he went.
So he has had three years or so living at her house and "bonding" (which includes subtle hints that he is lucky to have his freedom from our rules etc.). In June she and her boyfriend decided he was a legal adult and found him an apartment, talked easy child/difficult child into moving in to keep an eye on him, and then declared it was time for the two of them and little sister to have a peaceful life. Whew!

He is now back at her house with the threat of being dropped off at the Salvation Army if he does not follow their rules. He is happy as a hog in slop because he is with Mom again. Yikes. The early damage done by way of questionable attachment linger. It's going to very tricky trying to get him in a stable environment. If his disability is not reinstated (which could happen with the system) he could get into the one apartment free. I'm sure GFGmom would say GO if no money is coming in.
What I hope is that he does get his disability, has protection from GFGmom financially, can live with some supports independently....and hopefully be invited to spend the night or at least have dinner with GFGmom on a regular basis. I am like Custer. This is my last stand. Who knows? DDD

 

[rlsnights]

Right, forgot about the disability appeal happening.

Well if I were you I would contact social security and ask them how you give them info about the possible financial abuse of someone on disability. Given the history you shared before I would think that would be enough to substantiate anything you tell them. In that case they are very likely to require an institutional payee if/when he gets disability again.

You also always have the option of making a report to adult protective services. The reporting source is supposed to be kept secret from the victim and perpetrator. This would also support anything you told social security.

Finally, if social security found this info to be true it may bolster difficult child's disability appeal. If he's incapable of handling his own money, well that would seem to demonstrate that he is disabled don't you think?

P

 

[DDD]

His Mom got caught for taking disability during the years we raised him. They have garnished wages to repay them. Now he is an adult she doesn't just take it. It comes to him and then she tells him she needs help with car payments or whatever and he says "OK". Ugh! DDD

 

[rlsnights]

Ah. If he is on SSI this is *illegal* and should be reported.

It is to be used for his housing, food and clothing first. If he has anything left over after that then he gets to decide how to use it.

Using it to pay car payments on a car he doesn't own or is able to drive (I'm assuming this part) is probably not OK. If challenged, she would have to show that he has this money left over after paying for housing (including utilities), food and clothing.

P

 

[HaoZi]

I am like Custer. This is my last stand.

I sure hope it goes better for you than it did for Custer.

 

[DDD]

HaoZi, yeah I remember that part of history, lol.

I am not going to war against GFGmom. I am trying, one more time, to advocate for difficult child. The situation is complicated. Once GFGmom got him to move back into her home he, evidently, has expressed negative feelings about me. Those feelings would not have come on his own. Either by subtle means or more active triggering it appears that she has influenced him to see his world as one of choice. Choosing Mom or Choosing Mama. He is always polite, responsive and usually loving when he is with me but....I think he went so long with-o receiving his Mother's loving care that even at 20 he still is trying to "feel it" and get over the feelings of rejection and anger that she displayed over the years. Also (a biggie) she immediately (at 17) began to tell him he was an adult and shouldn't need rules etc like we had in our home.

His needs are not being met appropriately in her home. He has the threat of being "dropped off at the Salvation Army" if he doesn't follow their rules. He is too far away from town to seek work opportunities and his socialization is with younger teens on her block who also have dysfunctional environments. I want him to know that he may have a viable choice of lifestyle that will allow him socialization opportunities, extra money after meeting his debts and placing a percentage in savings, and very easy access to his job coach who has her office at the apartment complex. Once he understands these choices...then he is the one that decides. We'll see. At least he will have had a chance. DDD