OK, getting back to you now.
It seems you already realise your son needs a diagnosis, as a matter of priority. He also needs some level of assessment. to work out his strengths and weaknesses. Whtever is wrong, is hampering his development.
Like all of us, he is a combination of his nature and his nurture. By this I mean, there appears to be something that is part of his basic personality, something he has had since infancy. Plus there are the environmental factors greatly complicating matters. The death of his father can have a huge impact. I remember when my older kids were in long day care full-time, and I got to know the stories of all the other kids. We'd all known one another since our kids were born. Where a kid was raised by a single parent (because the other parent left, or was never around, from before the child's birth) the child as stable, well-behaved, doing OK. Where a parent left suddenly (marriage split or in one case, Daddy went out for his morning jog and never came home) little ones as young as 12 months old, changed their behaviour. The girl whose father died - she was 2 years old plus had already had a lot of support and contact with her father's first wife and kids. That first family stayed very much involved a a friendly support, and both families meshed well. But despite everything being done right, this little girl was a problem for a while. Even the director of the child care centre - her daughter was there, a classmate of difficult child 1's. Her parents had an amicable split but the little girl still had problems dealing with the changes.
Never underestimate the problems a child can have.
Now, those were "normal" kids. I stayed in touch long enough to see them do well in their later schooling. I would often drop in on the centre years later to chat to the staff, so I was hearing all the news.
But if your child has problems, then the child is generally the first to know something is wrong. And like all kids, they internalise it. "It's all my fault. I'm a bad person."
Sometimes the child will get angry and resentful, because even when they try to do the right thing (and it is not always recognised, because these kids can be hamfisted in how they go about things) they seem set up for failure.
Example - difficult child 3, at school, was the weird kid. He got called some nasty names. But when he called a kid the same name, I got note home form the teacher telling me I had to stop HGFG3 calling kids nasty names. I told the teacher, "take a note of the name difficult child 3 called that kid. It included the word 'retard' along with another word that kids these days use to mean, 'strange' but which used to be used as a major insulting word to homosexuals. You know we never use words like that around difficult child 3. So the only place he will have heard those words, is directed towards him to begin with. If you want him to not use those words, you need to protect him from hearing those words, while he is in your care. And it was in your care that he had those words directed at him."
Bullying can do a lot of harm. ANd not all the bullying comes from the kids. If you have a child who is highly reactive, has a short fuse and is constantly being picked on (because it is such fun when they explode, plus the teacher gets distracted and the other kids get to not have to work so hard) then your kid will be a target. The more tense your child is (and such situations increase tension) then the shorter the fuse. Vicious circle.
There are ways to help your child feel better about himself. A diagnosis can help a lot.
If you can, you will get the best result fastest, by getting a neuropsychologist assessment. This will need referrals, and the system may be subtly different where you are, depending on your insurance. Shop round, ask around.
With a formal diagnosis, yo can ask for support in a more formal way. This then sets rules in place that the school MUST follow. Life should begin to get a bit easier, at least as far as school is concerned. Unfortunately, although it should fix things, it is generally not enough. But any improvement, especially some clout when you need it, has to be better than what you have now.
When you get a chance, do a sig for yourself so we an understand more about you. It saves you having to give us all the details each time you post. You only put in the details you want, so you are in control of the process. But don't use your real names, that way if you need to vent about people or places, you can do it without any repercussions!
Ask any questions specifically, we'll see if we can help. I have a few suggestions, but would need more information.
I mentioned difficult child 3 - if you look at my sig, you will see that in our family, the presenting problems are ADHD and autism (in various forms - Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is the umbrella term). If you think it is worth checking out, go to
www.childbrain.com and look for their Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. You can't use it to diagnose, but you can print out the results (even if he scores normal) and show the doctor so he can see the areas of concern for you.
Marg
my oldest was diagnosis with odd going back several mos. ago. she is 17 though and odd is a rough diagnosis because as marg said it doesn't come alone. and i think me personally can say ok i know i was an odd kid growing up or rather teen.
