Was this a cave-in?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AHF, Jan 11, 2012.

  1. AHF

    AHF Member

    Hi folks. Boy, this is wearying, isn't it? I was holding the line when Peter Pan blew out of his sober-house program, and I stood by in supportive silence while he went through the mobile crisis people, to the hospital, and back out of the hospital to mobile crisis's shabby "respite" center, where he could stay for 2 weeks to get his act together. Filled out all the DSS forms for him to turn in to get into the system, and he lost them. I finally traveled to where he was--an hour away from our town--to meet with his case manager. Spent most of the day there, insisting that I would support any reasonable plan that Peter Pan could come up with--another residential program that he could argue for with enthusiasm, a combo of outpatient plus work, a sober house, etc.--but I would not take him home to wallow in his room with no plan or productive activity. Finally we met with- the case manager's supervisor, who asked him what he wanted, and he said, "To come home and have her leave me alone!" At which point they gently thanked me for taking so much time and suggested that I leave, which I did. That night they sent him back to the hospital because he was too much "at risk" for the respite; but the hospital booted him out because he was not sufficiently "at risk" for hospitalization. They sent him to the homeless shelter, but the wrong homeless shelter. The people there redirected him to the overflow shelter, which had only chairs left for sleeping, and I got on the computer to help him navigate strange dark streets to the overflow shelter. When I called to be sure he was at the right intersection, a strange male voice picked up the phone, and I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, he'd been jumped, and they'd taken his phone, and he ran to a police car which took him to the shelter. Next day he turned up at the crisis center again, only by then the respite was full. I sent the case manager a complete list of temporary housing in our area as well as outpatient program options. Peter Pan spent the day making phone calls from their phone, and the upshot was there was no room anywhere. He was off his medications, hadn't slept in 4 nights, had eaten very little, had no winter jacket and no $$, and had been mugged. He also seemed to have made some efforts on his own behalf. So I paid for him to take the bus to our town, checked him into a cheap hotel--for ONE NIGHT, I kept saying, to buy him one more day to make arrangements for himself--and took him out to dinner. By the time we were at dinner I could tell every bit of the old entitlement had returned. He'd "won this round." He refused to talk about his plans, about why he'd gone off medications, about what he might do for a phone, nothing. I leave for a long-weekend visit to my partner's daughter on the other end of the country tomorrow. I reminded Peter Pan that he had been systematically procrastinating and creating panic, and that if he chose not to talk about his options now and then found himself without options the next night, it would be his problem and not mine. He smirked. Clearly he wasn't listening. Now I wish to heck that I had let him stay with the crisis-center people and done more time at the homeless shelter, mugging or no mugging. Thoughts?
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My only thought is will your home be protected while you are out of town? Or will Peter Pan be able to break in and make himself at home?
  3. AHF

    AHF Member

    Yeah, that's a worry. Thought I'd call the local police and ask them to keep an eye on the house. Ugh.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh I know exactly how you are feeling momma. That entitlement attitude. Oh it is just enough to make you want to smack the smirk off their face. He may have been hitting bottom and you rescued him. He needs to hit bottom. You know that. I totally understand how HARD it is NOT to rescue them. I clearly remember one time I had to drop my daughter off after a visit where she was just venomous to me - I had to drop her off at a house she was staying at where there was some adult man that I did not know from Adam. I could tell she didn't want to be dropped off there and gave her an option of somewhere else, but she got out of the car. I drove down the street and bawled my eyes out. I came home and sank into my husband's arms and cried like a baby. The thoughts that were going through my head. Ugh. Sheer painful to do, but it had to be done. I couldn't rescue her and prevent bottom anymore...it just prolongs the agony.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have done everything you can. Perhaps with you out of town he will realize he has no one to rescue him and will decide to crawl out of the hole he finds himself in. It's awful to have to watch your child go through this, but just remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That's his job.

    Make sure everything is locked up at your house. Change all door codes and lock all valuables up.

  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    do you have a neighbor that can call the police if they see any activity over there?
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    That was a hard call on your part and I do understand your panic at his mugging and the lack of shelter. I get it we all do but yes you did rescue him. I made that same mistake once or twice. Most of us did. Detachment is a process with a strong learning curve. don't beat yourself up over it just do better next time.

    I too hadd the immediate thought as to whether your home would be safe in your absence. If it were me (and I have had to do this)I would take all valuables including the deed to the bank and put them in a safety deposit box or leave them with a trusted family member. Portable lock boxes do not work! difficult child's just remove them from the site and take a saw to them to break into. difficult child's seem to like the challenge of foiling our attempts to protect ourselves. Do you have someone you could trust to be a house sitter? someone that would not give in to your difficult child and give him access to your home?

    I hope you can comfortably secure all material that is presious to you and enjoy your vacation with peace of mind.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Definitely call the local police and ask them to drive by and check in on the house. I totally understand the caving in and rescuing when your child is in trouble. I have done that too..... and then this week I had to just let my son be homeless in another state until he could get back into the sober house he had been kicked out of. Very very hard to do and to not somehow find the safe place for him to stay....

    What I kept telling myself (besided the serenity prayer) is that if we rescued him this time he would most defiinitely learn nothing to help him change and we would be doing this over and over and over. His only real chance is if he discovers for himself how bad it is to be homeless and learns those lessons himself. And he survived.... and now he can feel good about the fact that he did survive and hopefully work so that he doesn't ever have to go through that again.

    I think there is something about being homeless and in jail that starts taking that sense of entitlement away.

    Hugs to you... it is so hard to watch your child do these things.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. Okay...I would worry about the house and any remaining vehicles left behind. Do you have an alarm for the house? I also agree on locking up anything you can. I had my safe bolted to the bathroom countertop. You couldnt get it out of the house without taking the whole counter. You can also bolt them to the floors.