Well I survived

[KFld]

What I thought was going to be a much more difficult weekend. My s2bx brought girlfriend up to our family vacation home in VT for the weekend, just before it closes this Friday. I am so angry that he brought her there because it was OUR vacation home and I knew he was trying to bring her up there a few weeks ago and didn't. I was so relieved when I found out she wasn't going, but he had to make sure to get her up there.

He built this cabin. I decorated it. It was his dream that I didn't enjoy as much as him because he went up there mostly for snowmobiling. I hate the cold!! The summers were absolutley beautiful and I could sit on the front deck for hours looking at the lake and the mountains. He has ruined yet another beautiful memory for me.

It wasn't enough that she been in my home of 23 years, she had to make sure to be a part of the vacation home too before it's gone.

I guess I should look at it this way. This probably isn't the first other women he had there, but it is the first one I know about.

I am angry, but I didn't allow it to ruin my weekend. Maybe because this cabin has put a lot of distance between us and probably contributed to problems in our marriage. It's a 5 hour drive to get there. With my job I could only go every few months, but because s2bx is self employed, he spent many many weekends there without me. I guess it was more his vacation home then a family vacation home.

Oh well. Yet another thing to put in the past.

 

[Hound dog]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I am angry, but I didn't allow it to ruin my weekend.</div></div>

Karen

You have good reason to be angry. Good for you for not letting it ruin your weekend. :smile:

Hugs

 

[1905]

She can't take those memories from you. They're yours forever.( I went to VT this past summer, to Burlington, it was so gorgeous.) You'll have more, and better memories throughout your life, as well as those. You can always go to VT again, and go somewhere different-where he wasn't, and you'll have the best time. I'm glad you still had a good weekend. -Alyssa

 

[lovemysons]

I'm hoping the BEST memories are ahead of you, Karen.

hugs,
lovemysons

 

[WhymeMom?]

She won't get to enjoy it for long!!!! Glad you could get past it and not let it ruin your weekend.....After a while all these "stabs" he is making in your heart will merely become pin pinches and soon it won't even effect you......Thinking of you as you take on a new chapter......

 

[Star*]

HP=Putz

as far as him ruining your memories? THAT is entirely up to YOU - if you choose to let him wreck the colors, awe and wonder in your head of a specific place you cherish? That's up to you.

Remember he doesn't get to rent space in your head unless you allow him to. No key? No entry. Keep the good memories and lock them up for when you need them.

Hugs
Star

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: The_Loan_Ranger</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

as far as him ruining your memories? THAT is entirely up to YOU -...Remember he doesn't get to rent space in your head unless you allow him to. No key? No entry. Keep the good memories and lock them up for when you need them. </div></div>

Good advice.

Still, I know how difficult it is to have that kind of discipline over your thoughts and it takes awhile before you can master it. You are new at this, Karen. It will get easier. I promise.

I'm proud of you for surviving. Sometimes that's the best we can do...and tomorrow it will hopefully be a teeny bit easier.

Suz

 

[DDD]

I think you're making a mistake in one area of your adjustment.
Overall I think you are doing a great job. What mistake?? In
your posts you are referring to "her" and what "she" has done
or is doing.

"She" is not the problem. She didn't break up your marriage.
She didn't force herself onto any property. She probably is a
very nice person who feels that her prayers have been answered.
She has a nice looking, non-violent, home and business owning
guy who fell into her life.

My Ex remarried four times. His first spouse was a younger woman
who he was introduced to a few weeks after we separated. (Yes, I
wanted the separation in hopes that our marriage could get back
on track to raise difficult child in a healthy way.) I was completely and
totally shocked. They married within two months of our divorce
although weeks before he asked to come home. That marriage was
for about seven years and then he repeated the pattern. My Ex
was never unfaithful to me or to them. He could not stand being
alone. Every single one of his wives have been very nice women
who have been polite and kind to my children/grandchildren.

I strongly advise you to forget "her". If you happen to run into
them extend your hand and say "Hi, I'm Karen!" with a big smile.
There is NO advantage to you OR to your children seeing her as
the enemy. She may be your children's stepmom. Sometimes I think I know something. This time, my friend, I KNOW what I am
talking about.

Sending sincere and caring hugs of support your way. DDD

 

[KFld]

Thanks DDD for reminding me of this. I know she is the innocent party in this, but I also feel that because she has a teenage daughter of her own and has been married and divorced, that she should be a little more aware of the effect of being in her new boyfriend's house that his s2bx just moved out of and that it's not right to be meeting his children in the home they just moved out of and grew up in, so soon after the seperation and before the divorce is even final. I think she would be able to think back to her own divorce and the effect it had on her own daughter and what is proper and inproper to do in such a short period of time.

The only defense she would have against this is that maybe s2bx hasn't been actually honest in what a short time it's been since we became seperated and moved out. For all I know she could think this has been going on for 6 months and the divorce is almost final.

I'm sure he hasn't been honest with her because I can't believe she would have felt comfortable walking around the same neighborhood holding his hand, as I was passing out candy on Halloween night. If I were dating someone newly seperated and knew his wife was passing out candy a few houses down from where I lived, I would have gone somewhere else for the evening, or never dreamed of bringing him with me. Chances are he didn't even tell her until he spotted me. He knew I was going to be there. I had no idea he was going to be, and she most likely didn't either.

 

[DDD]

I understand, Karen, and you are wise to give her the benefit of
the doubt. It's kind of like dealing with a difficult child. Almost all of
us initially "blamed" a particular friend for leading our difficult child down the wrong path. Eventually we had to accept that our kids
had all the skills needed to make correct choices. Your husband is a
self-absorbed difficult child...just as my Ex was and still is. DDD

PS: I haven't read anything about difficult child and his girlfriend or anything about how your Dad is doing. How 'bout an update.

 

[Star*]

On the other hand --------you have 1 thumb and 4 fingers.

But seriously,

Have you ever considered the possibility that this woman may just have been the cause of her own divorce because she's um....
And that maybe HER husband (given the benefit of the doubt here) is an ANGEL
And that the reason she can step foot in your house is because between her difficult child and HP- they just don't care what anyone thinks BECAUSE they are both difficult child?
And if you do shake her hand like D3 said (Which I think is the most marvelous idea by the way, not forgetting to smile) I would use hand sanitizer immediately.

THE possibilities here are endless K - but what you have to understand is YOU DON'T CARE!!!!!
YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE BETTER
YOUR WORLD IS GOING TO BE HAPPIER
YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO RESPECT YOU FOR a LOT

and you are going to sail away somewhere (if only in your mind) on the USS-SANITY and have smooth sailing, laughter, and peace of mind.

-worth much more that WHY IS SHE (fill in the blank)

Better answer to yourself (WHY DON'T I CARE ANYMORE?) LOVERLY

 

[Marguerite]

DDD's reminder - she is right. It is important to keep this in mind, despite your misgivings about the wisdom of her meeting easy child in YOUR home (which it still is until it's sold).

Whenever you think of ANYONE with anger, hostility or resentment, you damage yourself, hamper your coping ability and reduce the amount you can do or cope with.

As DDD said, she could be a very nice person. Or maybe just an average person thinking she's finally met Mr Right. And as you noted, Karen, she probably has not been given the true picture, because your s2bx can't lie straight in bed.

So when you meet - DO be friendly, polite and if you can, invite her somewhere neutral for coffee. It will scare the pants of s2bx, if nothing else - because if you two begin to compare notes, he could end up in deep doo-doo.

If you can be friends with someone who might (if the relationship can last) be easy child's stepmother, then your own family life will be much happier and less stressful. And if you meet and find you can't be more than polite to each other, then at least you tried.

Karen, in all your posts you have struck me as a kind, loving and unusually fair-minded person. If anyone can do this, you can.

But don't do it until you feel confident you can keep it up, at least long enough to have coffee with her without barfing.

Marg

 

[KFld]

Marg, I don't think I'll ever be at the point of wanting to have coffee with her. It's not even important enough to do it to compare notes and get her to see who he really is. His actions speak for themselves and she will figure this out for herself, or not.
I will be cordial to her if introduced, as I know it's best for the kids and from the speed he's moving, she probably will be their stepmother someday very soon after the divorce is final.

I tend to feel about her partly what DDD said and partly what Loan Ranger said. In the end, what I think of her doesn't really make a difference in the big scheme of things. I know who this women is as she went to highschool with s2bx and I, and I have heard stories over just the past few years about some of the things she did to push the guy she was in the last relationship with for 7 years over the edge. Ironically enough I heard these stories from s2bx as he also knows who her last partner was and he was telling me once he couldn't believe what she was doing to him and that she was nuts.

I think in the end they may be just perfect for each other :rofl: