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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 293723" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>husband is actually starting to get a clue. He always flip-flopped between seeing difficult child exactly as he is to being in complete denial and hugely defensive. I think part of the problem is when he does see what the deal is with difficult child, he hasn't a clue as to what to do about it, so he shuts down. Plus he grew up in a family where everyone believed or made themselves believe in certain family myths and rules such as outsiders are trouble, never tell, we need each other to survive, always keep mom pacified, a lie we all agree on is as good as the truth and easier, if you disappoint the family you are bad and mean and unworthy, etc...</p><p> </p><p>Other times he's right on the button. When he took difficult child to the psychiatric hospital and they didn't want to take him because he wasn't in crisis, husband came through and told them every brutal thing and got him admitted. But he flip-flops, and it's awful.</p><p> </p><p>Early in June I saw a lawyer. husband knows this. He was shocked. His parents had a horrible marriage and I think he just expects ours not to be good. He came up with a plan to save the marriage, and we joined a marriage builders type community. We work through the principles and discuss our issues with the support group.</p><p> </p><p>At first the support group was really hostile to me: How can you make him choose between his wife and his mother? How can you be so heartless about his son? But after a while they saw more and now they are jumping all over him. "I'd hate my mother in law too if she hit me in the face; in fact I'd hate my mother if she hit my spouse in the face--why don't you hate your mother?'' "Umm you aren't being told to ignore your mother, you are being told you have to put your wife first, that's NOT the same thing." "You are lying, you are being manipulative, you are being dishonest, you are being selfish." "Other people in your family matter too, not just you and difficult child."</p><p> </p><p>And he's shocked. He was ssoooooooooooooo sure everyone would see it all his way, and they aren't. And the marriage building principles support me. Last week he agreed maybe he'd look into putting difficult child somewhere more therapeutic. He said he had to do it to save his marriage. I said, nope, don't do it for me; as long as you support the safety measures I decide, it won't matter to me whether he's home or away (at this time). But I didn't want difficult child to leave home because of me and then hear for the rest of my life about how I chased the poor little boy out of his home and ade husband loose his son just like I made him lose is family (actually his family rejected him once I insisted on normal boundaries with his mother, like don't just move in for months at a time. But he has a hard time accepting that they rejected him and believes because of the family myths that he deserved it and I made them reject him, like my saying no to his mom triggered inevitable rejection).</p><p> </p><p>So this group is a huge shock to him. And the fact that most of the people in the group are men is a good thing.</p><p> </p><p>So last night after I asked husband how I could support him and he blew me off and I just left him to stew, he came around. He started reading about the dept of juvy justice and children in need of services petitions. He brought them to me and asked me to read them. I'd been through them years ago.</p><p> </p><p>Last time difficult child was convicted, the state Atty General sent him a letter saying that if he were convicted of one more crime, felony or misdemeanor, he was going to the detention center, it was mandatory. I think husband thinks difficult child is going to juvy for a few months, because those drugs were on him, he didn't have a prescription, he was at summer camp and however some of the circumstances might seem strange, facts is facts, and he is probably going to be found guilty. And he's in great risk of going at age 12 to juvvy. ANd it's out of husband's hands now.</p><p> </p><p>Probably. THe system is so messed up and nobody wants to send a polite, scared looking, skinny little kid to juvenile detention with the gang members and thugs and druggies who are all years older than him. My guess is the judge will do something else with him. I'm hoping the judge will send him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and I think now husband is thinking an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is starting to look like a good alternative as well.</p><p> </p><p>So we'll see.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know if husband willl throw my kids under the bus to save difficult child, I only thought it was about a 15% chance possibility, but that's enough to be there. husband feels outraged that the police let difficult child go, said it was strange, didn't arrest him, suggested there was something happening in his own household, and then turned around and charged difficult child with a 3rd degree felony. But of course the police didn't. They made their report and that report was matched up with all the other crappe in the system about difficult child and some prosecutor made the decision.</p><p> </p><p>ANd now difficult child and husband are going to have to live with the consequences.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 293723, member: 5169"] husband is actually starting to get a clue. He always flip-flopped between seeing difficult child exactly as he is to being in complete denial and hugely defensive. I think part of the problem is when he does see what the deal is with difficult child, he hasn't a clue as to what to do about it, so he shuts down. Plus he grew up in a family where everyone believed or made themselves believe in certain family myths and rules such as outsiders are trouble, never tell, we need each other to survive, always keep mom pacified, a lie we all agree on is as good as the truth and easier, if you disappoint the family you are bad and mean and unworthy, etc... Other times he's right on the button. When he took difficult child to the psychiatric hospital and they didn't want to take him because he wasn't in crisis, husband came through and told them every brutal thing and got him admitted. But he flip-flops, and it's awful. Early in June I saw a lawyer. husband knows this. He was shocked. His parents had a horrible marriage and I think he just expects ours not to be good. He came up with a plan to save the marriage, and we joined a marriage builders type community. We work through the principles and discuss our issues with the support group. At first the support group was really hostile to me: How can you make him choose between his wife and his mother? How can you be so heartless about his son? But after a while they saw more and now they are jumping all over him. "I'd hate my mother in law too if she hit me in the face; in fact I'd hate my mother if she hit my spouse in the face--why don't you hate your mother?'' "Umm you aren't being told to ignore your mother, you are being told you have to put your wife first, that's NOT the same thing." "You are lying, you are being manipulative, you are being dishonest, you are being selfish." "Other people in your family matter too, not just you and difficult child." And he's shocked. He was ssoooooooooooooo sure everyone would see it all his way, and they aren't. And the marriage building principles support me. Last week he agreed maybe he'd look into putting difficult child somewhere more therapeutic. He said he had to do it to save his marriage. I said, nope, don't do it for me; as long as you support the safety measures I decide, it won't matter to me whether he's home or away (at this time). But I didn't want difficult child to leave home because of me and then hear for the rest of my life about how I chased the poor little boy out of his home and ade husband loose his son just like I made him lose is family (actually his family rejected him once I insisted on normal boundaries with his mother, like don't just move in for months at a time. But he has a hard time accepting that they rejected him and believes because of the family myths that he deserved it and I made them reject him, like my saying no to his mom triggered inevitable rejection). So this group is a huge shock to him. And the fact that most of the people in the group are men is a good thing. So last night after I asked husband how I could support him and he blew me off and I just left him to stew, he came around. He started reading about the dept of juvy justice and children in need of services petitions. He brought them to me and asked me to read them. I'd been through them years ago. Last time difficult child was convicted, the state Atty General sent him a letter saying that if he were convicted of one more crime, felony or misdemeanor, he was going to the detention center, it was mandatory. I think husband thinks difficult child is going to juvy for a few months, because those drugs were on him, he didn't have a prescription, he was at summer camp and however some of the circumstances might seem strange, facts is facts, and he is probably going to be found guilty. And he's in great risk of going at age 12 to juvvy. ANd it's out of husband's hands now. Probably. THe system is so messed up and nobody wants to send a polite, scared looking, skinny little kid to juvenile detention with the gang members and thugs and druggies who are all years older than him. My guess is the judge will do something else with him. I'm hoping the judge will send him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and I think now husband is thinking an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is starting to look like a good alternative as well. So we'll see. I don't know if husband willl throw my kids under the bus to save difficult child, I only thought it was about a 15% chance possibility, but that's enough to be there. husband feels outraged that the police let difficult child go, said it was strange, didn't arrest him, suggested there was something happening in his own household, and then turned around and charged difficult child with a 3rd degree felony. But of course the police didn't. They made their report and that report was matched up with all the other crappe in the system about difficult child and some prosecutor made the decision. ANd now difficult child and husband are going to have to live with the consequences. [/QUOTE]
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