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<blockquote data-quote="WSM" data-source="post: 293808" data-attributes="member: 5169"><p>I give it about a 25% chance of working. It really falls into the realm of too little too late. I don't know how he can change a lifetime of thinking in a few months. Since he was a baby he believed that it was really, really, really bad to upset his mother, that it was his job to keep her placated, at all costs, that everyone was happier when she was happy, and thus it was selfish to upset her...course she's upset all the time because hard as she wants it the world really doesn't revolve around her widdle feelings, and like any two year old, she throws a mighty tantrum when it doesn't.</p><p> </p><p>It's only natural that he falls into the pattern of excusing and placating difficult child. It works to keep his mom settled down so the rest of them can have a life, so why wouldn't it work with difficult child. Besides he doesn't know what to do. If someone told him to cut off his arm and difficult child would be normal, he'd do it. But to do things like imposing consequences that make difficult child hate him and reject him, that's the punishment his mother used and he's just so sensitive to it. Oddly enough he's not so worried about my rejection. I'm not sure how you get on the "Important Enough to Care About" list with him. I'm not sure how much I care. </p><p> </p><p>I did almost leave in Sept 2005 and he was shocked. Gee dude, your mother hit me in the face and all you said was--not OMG, not I'm so sorry, not are you all right--but you said, She must have felt cornered. When I told him I was leaving, he was SHOCKED and panicked. His parents hated each other, so what kind of a model of marriage did he have.</p><p> </p><p>And with his infantile neurotic mother and rejecting critical father, what kind of parenting example did he have? I don't know that **I** could parent difficult child effectively, although I know absolutely I would have been aggressive much earlier about treatment and training and getting help. </p><p> </p><p>And I'm tired. I'm in my eff-you forties, and I just don't want to put up with **** anymore. Notice how difficult child has been out of the house for a week and a half and he's STILL causing trouble? I want a more harmonious life.</p><p> </p><p>husband might get a clue fast about difficult child. He'd been drifting more and more into denial about difficult child, but he always knew underneath...it was just easier to pretend, to grasp the slightest sliver of doubt (difficult child couldn't possibly climb back up to the roof to get back in so he can't be going out at night), just like it's easier to eat the cookie rather than stay on the diet.</p><p> </p><p>The problem is stepdaughter. She's normal and sweet and if I left, even if husband and difficult child were perfectly wonderful people, she'd be devastated that her mother abandonned her. I've been in her life since she was 4. She calls me mommy. How would you feel if your mother had just left when you were 9, disappeared out of your life and never called, wrote, sent gifts, visited? Just left. Never to be seen again. Remember her biomom calls about 3 times a year, makes huge promises, then disappears. I'm mommy.</p><p> </p><p>And I'm not happy with what I'm leaving her to. difficult child will soon be running the family and mother in law will move in for months at a time. Stepdaughter's naturally want-to-please personality will be swamped with their neediness. husband will collapse back into subservient codependency with mother in law and difficult child, who will battle one another via victimhood for family supremacy. husband will be torn between them and stepdaughter will be dragged down into supporting husband's needs as he struggles to appease difficult child and mother in law and mediate between them. She will be told she's not to complain and not to have her own needs (this already happens on occasions when it's SD vs difficult child). husband figures it's noble to make her sacrifice a bit if it 'saves' difficult child...his problems are so big, everyone just needs to 'give him a break'.</p><p> </p><p>Will difficult child hurt her? I don't know. It depends on whether or not his mental illness is controlled or levels off and whether or not he's satisfied by being reigning prince and stops targetting her. He will expect her to put his needs first and will set her up to be the fall guy in his life, and mother in law will have great needs of SD constantly reassuring her that she's the best granma in the whole world. And husband will confide in her and enlist her to help with his difficult relatives. </p><p> </p><p>Of course the worst case is that husband lives in la-la land and difficult child wants to hurt SD and does. difficult child's not a fool, he won't hurt her bad enough to draw attention, but buly and pick on her and make her life miserable. And husband will be blind. </p><p> </p><p>Anyways, that's my nightmare. Even in the best case scenario, I leave and husband steps up and becomes a good, sensitive, protective, nurturing father (and he can be, he's sensitive, protective, and nurturing of his mother and difficult child), she still has to deal with the fact that her mother just abandonned her. </p><p> </p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WSM, post: 293808, member: 5169"] I give it about a 25% chance of working. It really falls into the realm of too little too late. I don't know how he can change a lifetime of thinking in a few months. Since he was a baby he believed that it was really, really, really bad to upset his mother, that it was his job to keep her placated, at all costs, that everyone was happier when she was happy, and thus it was selfish to upset her...course she's upset all the time because hard as she wants it the world really doesn't revolve around her widdle feelings, and like any two year old, she throws a mighty tantrum when it doesn't. It's only natural that he falls into the pattern of excusing and placating difficult child. It works to keep his mom settled down so the rest of them can have a life, so why wouldn't it work with difficult child. Besides he doesn't know what to do. If someone told him to cut off his arm and difficult child would be normal, he'd do it. But to do things like imposing consequences that make difficult child hate him and reject him, that's the punishment his mother used and he's just so sensitive to it. Oddly enough he's not so worried about my rejection. I'm not sure how you get on the "Important Enough to Care About" list with him. I'm not sure how much I care. I did almost leave in Sept 2005 and he was shocked. Gee dude, your mother hit me in the face and all you said was--not OMG, not I'm so sorry, not are you all right--but you said, She must have felt cornered. When I told him I was leaving, he was SHOCKED and panicked. His parents hated each other, so what kind of a model of marriage did he have. And with his infantile neurotic mother and rejecting critical father, what kind of parenting example did he have? I don't know that **I** could parent difficult child effectively, although I know absolutely I would have been aggressive much earlier about treatment and training and getting help. And I'm tired. I'm in my eff-you forties, and I just don't want to put up with **** anymore. Notice how difficult child has been out of the house for a week and a half and he's STILL causing trouble? I want a more harmonious life. husband might get a clue fast about difficult child. He'd been drifting more and more into denial about difficult child, but he always knew underneath...it was just easier to pretend, to grasp the slightest sliver of doubt (difficult child couldn't possibly climb back up to the roof to get back in so he can't be going out at night), just like it's easier to eat the cookie rather than stay on the diet. The problem is stepdaughter. She's normal and sweet and if I left, even if husband and difficult child were perfectly wonderful people, she'd be devastated that her mother abandonned her. I've been in her life since she was 4. She calls me mommy. How would you feel if your mother had just left when you were 9, disappeared out of your life and never called, wrote, sent gifts, visited? Just left. Never to be seen again. Remember her biomom calls about 3 times a year, makes huge promises, then disappears. I'm mommy. And I'm not happy with what I'm leaving her to. difficult child will soon be running the family and mother in law will move in for months at a time. Stepdaughter's naturally want-to-please personality will be swamped with their neediness. husband will collapse back into subservient codependency with mother in law and difficult child, who will battle one another via victimhood for family supremacy. husband will be torn between them and stepdaughter will be dragged down into supporting husband's needs as he struggles to appease difficult child and mother in law and mediate between them. She will be told she's not to complain and not to have her own needs (this already happens on occasions when it's SD vs difficult child). husband figures it's noble to make her sacrifice a bit if it 'saves' difficult child...his problems are so big, everyone just needs to 'give him a break'. Will difficult child hurt her? I don't know. It depends on whether or not his mental illness is controlled or levels off and whether or not he's satisfied by being reigning prince and stops targetting her. He will expect her to put his needs first and will set her up to be the fall guy in his life, and mother in law will have great needs of SD constantly reassuring her that she's the best granma in the whole world. And husband will confide in her and enlist her to help with his difficult relatives. Of course the worst case is that husband lives in la-la land and difficult child wants to hurt SD and does. difficult child's not a fool, he won't hurt her bad enough to draw attention, but buly and pick on her and make her life miserable. And husband will be blind. Anyways, that's my nightmare. Even in the best case scenario, I leave and husband steps up and becomes a good, sensitive, protective, nurturing father (and he can be, he's sensitive, protective, and nurturing of his mother and difficult child), she still has to deal with the fact that her mother just abandonned her. :frowny: [/QUOTE]
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