TM,
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions. I can only share what has worked for us. Sorry ahead of time for the lengthiness....
difficult child definitely suffers with his executive functioning. You know, most kids at Duckie's age are naturally disorganized and have poor time management skills - it's part of being a kid! When those issues begin to deteriorate family life or academic life, that's when it's time for us to step in and offer support and solutions. For my difficult child, it began in third grade. It started because he just couldn't keep a handle on papers or assignments, etc. His school desk was a nightmare of classwork, scrap paper, trash, etc.
So, I gave it a lot of thought and bought him a 5 Star binder organizer. I also purchased the heavy duty plastic dividers that had pockets. Every subject had a section and a folder. The rule was that every single piece of paper that was not given to the teacher had to go in the binder and that binder had to come home every single day. It took awhile, many days of no binder home, but he finally got it. At first, papers were just "thrown" into the binder. We would sit down every day at homework time and organize his papers - "what class was this from difficult child?" "Is this a study guide for a test tomorrow?" "Good grade on quiz" At first I sorted everything for him. As time went by, he began to whole punch and organize. That was step one.
Step two was the schedule. Because difficult child was having so many emotional and behavioral issues, I had to cut back on any activity that was not totally necessary. I needed him to get a foothold and it worked. He would come home from school and have two hours to himself. He needed the time. There were some days when he came home and sat quietly by himself on the sofa - kinda of decompressing I guess - before he did anything else.
At 5:00, it was homework time. Same time, same quiet place every single day. It took some getting used to and there were a few exceptions to the time, but for the most part, we stuck to it. I purchased one of those little rolling drawer things and he organized it himself with school supplies. Pencils and markers on one draw, line and plain paper in another, and art supplies like colored paper, glue, scissors in another. It got rolled into the dining room for homework.
The next rule, before you left the homework space, everything was packed up and put away and the backpack was placed by the back door. Neither he nor easy child were allowed to leave their stuff in there. It was my dining room, my call. I chose that space specifically because it was a large room (no cramped feeling), there were no outside influences (radio, tv, etc.), the table was large and it was a place that I insisted stayed clean. It served to get everything important back in the backpack!
A very structured bedtime routine was another part of the plan. It actually was very hard for me because it was a lot of time, but getting him calm and ready for bed made such a HUGE difference in his ability to sleep well and be rested the next morning. His behavior responded to his level of rest. He would do his reading out loud to me, then I would read out loud from something he and I were reading. Then the lights would go off and we would quietly talk about our day.
Money was a great incentive for "chores". Naturally they were (and are) age appropriate but we started with little things like sorting the lights and darks, feeding and watering the dog, bringing around the empty recycling bin, etc. Money was never given for "member of the household responsibilities" like your own dishes, keeping your room clean, etc.
Rather than a "to do" chart it was an "I get" chart. At first it was ten cents. The rule was though, you only got paid if you did your chore without complaint. Complain about it, do it with no renumeration!
There were weeks when difficult child got 30 cents and there were weeks when he got a couple bucks. It was the first way I taught my kids about money and responsibility.
Now difficult child gets an allowance but he also has daily and weekly chores. I no longer tie work to money for allowance but he also understands that it's his responsibility as a member of this family to pull some weight!
So, after writing all this I guess the bottom line is this. Most children your daughter's age are going to have organization issues which drive us crazy (especially if you are like me an very organized and structured - not to mention a sort of control person!). Most kids Duckie's age are going to complain about chores. Most kids are going to dandle around before a task that is not pleasant. Someone else, I think Linda, said that you have to find their currency. I think that is very true.
I think it is also important to do what you all did last night and make her part of it. She is not going to respond the first few times she realizes she has some say. This is new for her. Give her some time before she begins to contribute to these family discussions.
Take a deep breath and realize that it is what it is. She's a nine year old little girl who has an array of interests outside of academics and home life. She has some health issues that flair from time to time and can wreak havoc on her schedule. Start slow. Don't add more than one, two at the most, new things a week. Give her time to master new skills and feel proud of what she is accomplishing. Expecting too much change is defeating. I remember, after several weeks in third grade, difficult child saying to me when he got in the car after school, "I'm really good at remember my 5 Star aren't I?" He was proud of himself for something that would seem so insignificant for someone outside our lives.
The ultimate goal here is for her to learn things that she can carry forward, not for her to be controlled or managed. We are teaching skills for life!
Sharon