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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622630" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Alb, I've been following along here but just now have a chance to post. First, I am so sorry for your crushing disappointment. Of course that is how you feel! We get so hopeful. I never want to abandon hope for my precious difficult child, but....sometimes this is the price of hope. And we pay the price so dearly. Maybe they do, too. Who knows. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love this, Alb. You were cautiously responding to your son. You were excited and hopeful at seeing him looking so good. That is so human and so right. He has made progress, Alb. You saw it. With your own eyes. </p><p></p><p>And then he actually called. He actually did what he said he would do. That, too, is progress. It still IS progress and that progress DID HAPPEN. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ditto.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ditto.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And yet again. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, yes. Alb, here is the question I always have for myself, after a few days go by and I'm getting over the crushing disappointment. Should I have done something different? And only I can answer that question, for me? Not different for them. Different for me. </p><p></p><p>We have been hurt so much. We have wandered in the vast wasteland of deep pain for so many years. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being hurt so much. At one point I was terrified of being hurt again. I couldn't take one. more. hurt. </p><p></p><p>Today, I can take more hurt. But I don't necessarily WANT to. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That leads me to this place. Right now, my son is behaving much like your son did. I am cautiously optimistic....well maybe a little, but maybe not, too. </p><p></p><p>He's homeless after nearly 5 weeks out of jail. Still. </p><p>He has no job. Still.</p><p>He's basically doing the same things he did the first days of being out of jail. </p><p></p><p>From my perspective. Which is very limited. By my own choosing.</p><p></p><p>I don't really know what he is doing/not doing/thinking/feeling, Alb. I don't know because I am allowing myself only very small interactions with him. </p><p></p><p>For me. And for him.</p><p></p><p>I posted elsewhere on this site about an insight I had this week about the parallel between my mom/me years ago when we detached for a while and then my son/me now that we are detaching for a while. </p><p></p><p>I had to have that time to break my too-close reliance on my mother. I was a 26 or 27 year old married woman who was way too dependent and reliant on my mother for way too many things. I lived in another state, but my mom was the Queen of my life. If she said it, that was gospel.</p><p></p><p>I had not broken the apron strings. I see that so much more clearly today.</p><p></p><p>My son HAS to have the time to break free of me. If he doesn't have that time, he has no chance. He still may not be able to do the work he needs to do to build a good life for himself now, next time, or the time after that. I don't know. </p><p></p><p>I only know that I am getting the way of his adulthood. And of course, that is the very last thing I want to do.</p><p></p><p>I have no idea if you are in the same place with your son or not. </p><p></p><p>Of course, we want to see them and celebrate their progress! That is such a wonderful thing. They want it and we want it.</p><p></p><p>But for me (just for me, Alb) right now, I sense that whatever is good that is happening with him is very fragile. I don't want to disrupt that.</p><p></p><p>So for me, for today (who knows about tomorrow), I am working hard to stay away. These 10-minute car talks are about all we need to be doing for a while, at the most.</p><p></p><p>I would love to take him to lunch this weekend. But I'm not planning to do that right now.</p><p></p><p>I hope you and husband are okay today and enjoying some peace and some sunshine. The progress did occur, Alb. What happened after the progress doesn't take that away. </p><p></p><p>We are like them---inch by inch we move forward on some days. Inch by inch we backtrack on other days. </p><p></p><p>This is the stuff of real life. This is the way all of us change. It's not one big fell swoop forward that stays that way. It's a back and forth thing and looks chaotic and frustrating and hopeless, but Alb, it's not. </p><p></p><p>I think realizing this and living into it (as much as we can with our humanity) is part of Acceptance. A really really hard part. </p><p></p><p>Blessings and peace and my prayers for you today. So glad you are here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622630, member: 17542"] Alb, I've been following along here but just now have a chance to post. First, I am so sorry for your crushing disappointment. Of course that is how you feel! We get so hopeful. I never want to abandon hope for my precious difficult child, but....sometimes this is the price of hope. And we pay the price so dearly. Maybe they do, too. Who knows. I love this, Alb. You were cautiously responding to your son. You were excited and hopeful at seeing him looking so good. That is so human and so right. He has made progress, Alb. You saw it. With your own eyes. And then he actually called. He actually did what he said he would do. That, too, is progress. It still IS progress and that progress DID HAPPEN. Yep. Ditto. Ditto. And yet again. Again, yes. Alb, here is the question I always have for myself, after a few days go by and I'm getting over the crushing disappointment. Should I have done something different? And only I can answer that question, for me? Not different for them. Different for me. We have been hurt so much. We have wandered in the vast wasteland of deep pain for so many years. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being hurt so much. At one point I was terrified of being hurt again. I couldn't take one. more. hurt. Today, I can take more hurt. But I don't necessarily WANT to. That leads me to this place. Right now, my son is behaving much like your son did. I am cautiously optimistic....well maybe a little, but maybe not, too. He's homeless after nearly 5 weeks out of jail. Still. He has no job. Still. He's basically doing the same things he did the first days of being out of jail. From my perspective. Which is very limited. By my own choosing. I don't really know what he is doing/not doing/thinking/feeling, Alb. I don't know because I am allowing myself only very small interactions with him. For me. And for him. I posted elsewhere on this site about an insight I had this week about the parallel between my mom/me years ago when we detached for a while and then my son/me now that we are detaching for a while. I had to have that time to break my too-close reliance on my mother. I was a 26 or 27 year old married woman who was way too dependent and reliant on my mother for way too many things. I lived in another state, but my mom was the Queen of my life. If she said it, that was gospel. I had not broken the apron strings. I see that so much more clearly today. My son HAS to have the time to break free of me. If he doesn't have that time, he has no chance. He still may not be able to do the work he needs to do to build a good life for himself now, next time, or the time after that. I don't know. I only know that I am getting the way of his adulthood. And of course, that is the very last thing I want to do. I have no idea if you are in the same place with your son or not. Of course, we want to see them and celebrate their progress! That is such a wonderful thing. They want it and we want it. But for me (just for me, Alb) right now, I sense that whatever is good that is happening with him is very fragile. I don't want to disrupt that. So for me, for today (who knows about tomorrow), I am working hard to stay away. These 10-minute car talks are about all we need to be doing for a while, at the most. I would love to take him to lunch this weekend. But I'm not planning to do that right now. I hope you and husband are okay today and enjoying some peace and some sunshine. The progress did occur, Alb. What happened after the progress doesn't take that away. We are like them---inch by inch we move forward on some days. Inch by inch we backtrack on other days. This is the stuff of real life. This is the way all of us change. It's not one big fell swoop forward that stays that way. It's a back and forth thing and looks chaotic and frustrating and hopeless, but Alb, it's not. I think realizing this and living into it (as much as we can with our humanity) is part of Acceptance. A really really hard part. Blessings and peace and my prayers for you today. So glad you are here. [/QUOTE]
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