what do i do in this situation.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Jan 21, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    husband has had a friend he has worked with for 15 years. He is divorced, lives alon and He lives a few blocks from our house. easy child use to do yard work for him 13 or so years ago.

    Still works with husband.....His daughter died on Sunday. Her funeral is tomorrow. I know husband, he ignores things like this even though he should be there to support his friend. I know when my parents died how much it meant to see my friends come. For me.

    I have rarely seen this man. Do I insist husband go? Do I go with? husband and I are not speaking AT ALL. I can't bring myself to even look at him. However his sad act the other night is gone. I tried to call the house this morning to ask about the funeral. difficult child said he was making breakfast. I asked to talk to him anyway. All he said was he called the man yesterday. I asked how he was and he YELLED, "HOW DO YOU THINK".
    I reminded him we had an appointment tonight and he YELLED again saying he KNOWS that. I just hung up. JERK.

    But husband being a jerk has nothing to do with the sad loss of his friend.
    I did send online condolences. It is just so fresh in my mind how good it felt to see my friends with my mom's funeral.

    What to do?
     
  2. artana

    artana New Member

    kjs,
    My take on this would be to not go to the funeral, because you aren't that close to the man. However, you are a neighbor, so you can reasonably make something nice for him and take it to his house and express your condolences. Just my two cents.
     
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I agree with artana, but I also think that you should not MAKE husband go to the funeral. He is an adult. It is not your job to make him do the socially acceptable thing. Before my husband was on medications, he was a complete jerk. I got to where I detached from him. If there was something he needed to do, I would tell him once. Then I figured out how to get it done if it was necessary and important to me. If it was important to him, he could do it. If it was something like a funeral, then it was up to him. I do not have time to deal with another child. He missed several funerals of people he was close to.

    It is not your job to make him be a responsible caring friend.
     
  4. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I know you are suffering through an awful time with husband and it isn't a help that he is acting like a child but it is somewhat understandable to me. He avoids anything that is unpleasant and the appointment. probably is terrifying him yet he knows he has to go so he is miserable and irritated. The funeral is the same only alot less intense. Have you ever looked at the traits for narcissistic personality disorder, does any of that fit your husband?
     
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Kjs, I agree with the others. If he's a neighbor, it would be nice to send something over for him and his family. However, if you never really see him and aren't close, no need to attend. And absolutely, do not have a discussion with H about it. He's an adult - he can make that decision for himself.

    Hugs, sweetie. It sure stinks that you have to even think about something other than your own stuff.
     
  6. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Yep....I'd send something like a fruit basket or if you have the time to make cookies or something.

    Don't insist he go. If he doesn't, it's he who looks poorly and it's just one more thing to fight about.
     
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Kjs, I agree with the others.
    You can make something, or send a fruit basket or something to express your condolences. Let H take care of his own, or not, as he sees fit.

    You've been carrying both your load and his for far too long, my friend. It's time to put his down. Whether he picks up his own burden or not is his choice. Let him deal with it.

    Sending many gentle hugs to you,
    Trinity
     
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