toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Hi Everyone,
I have been hanging out more on the SA forum rather than here.... but see that there is more discussion here, so here I am!! In reading another thread there are comments about tough love and detachment and it strikes me that we may not all mean the same thing when we talk about these terms... Or maybe we do and just disagree.... but I thought it might help if we clarified what we mean.
I bring this up mostly because some have said they dont agree with some of the ideas of tough love. I have heard this elsewhere as well.... and it has made me think about what do I mean by the term. What does it mean to me??
So for me tough love does NOT mean turning your back on your adult kid and saying dont call me until you are clean and sober (or whatever version of having your life together). There may be situations where that is necessary but I have not done that. For me tough love means letting your adult child face natural consequences for the choices they make. For me it has meant a whole lot of things, like not bailing him out of jail, not paying for a lawyer (although I have also done that), not letting him come live at home, not rescuing him from being homeless. To me all those things were very tough to do and hence to me it felt like tough love. However I have also always let him know that I will help him when he wants help.... and we have paid for lots of treatment, gotten him transportation to treatment.... when he was homeless I did get him a sleeping bag and warm boots etc. I have always tried to let him know I love him and am there for him if he is getting help..... and honestly that process has often gotten him to the place where he wants help.
Another term that is used a lot and I think means different things to different people is detachment. To me that does NOT mean cutting off all contact and having nothing to do with him. To me it means setting some boundaries and realizing his decisions about his life are his decisions.... and not having my life and well being totally dependent on how he is doing. And yet I can still let him know I love him and support him. But it does mean taking care of myself in this horrible process of dealing with a kid with addiciton issues.
And what do we mean by enabling? Well I think that means different things to different people and whats enabling to one might not be to another. I think for me it means helping him to continue to make the bad choices that are self destructive. Now there have been times I have skated that fine line... like the time he was homeless across the country in the middle of winter and he asked me for the sleeping bag for his birthday! I could have said no..... but bottom line I was not willing to pay for a hotel room but I did want to help him stay warm and so I got him the sleeping bag. I will not let him live at home because he would then continue his drug use and my guess is if we had let him do that, he could be dead by now from it..... and my daughter would have had to live with the trauma of watching his really bad behavior to all of us. I might have put up with it myself but had to protect her too.
Anyway those are some random thoughts on the subject. Those of you who dont like the idea of tough love or detachment, I am wondering what your definitions are.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
I have been hanging out more on the SA forum rather than here.... but see that there is more discussion here, so here I am!! In reading another thread there are comments about tough love and detachment and it strikes me that we may not all mean the same thing when we talk about these terms... Or maybe we do and just disagree.... but I thought it might help if we clarified what we mean.
I bring this up mostly because some have said they dont agree with some of the ideas of tough love. I have heard this elsewhere as well.... and it has made me think about what do I mean by the term. What does it mean to me??
So for me tough love does NOT mean turning your back on your adult kid and saying dont call me until you are clean and sober (or whatever version of having your life together). There may be situations where that is necessary but I have not done that. For me tough love means letting your adult child face natural consequences for the choices they make. For me it has meant a whole lot of things, like not bailing him out of jail, not paying for a lawyer (although I have also done that), not letting him come live at home, not rescuing him from being homeless. To me all those things were very tough to do and hence to me it felt like tough love. However I have also always let him know that I will help him when he wants help.... and we have paid for lots of treatment, gotten him transportation to treatment.... when he was homeless I did get him a sleeping bag and warm boots etc. I have always tried to let him know I love him and am there for him if he is getting help..... and honestly that process has often gotten him to the place where he wants help.
Another term that is used a lot and I think means different things to different people is detachment. To me that does NOT mean cutting off all contact and having nothing to do with him. To me it means setting some boundaries and realizing his decisions about his life are his decisions.... and not having my life and well being totally dependent on how he is doing. And yet I can still let him know I love him and support him. But it does mean taking care of myself in this horrible process of dealing with a kid with addiciton issues.
And what do we mean by enabling? Well I think that means different things to different people and whats enabling to one might not be to another. I think for me it means helping him to continue to make the bad choices that are self destructive. Now there have been times I have skated that fine line... like the time he was homeless across the country in the middle of winter and he asked me for the sleeping bag for his birthday! I could have said no..... but bottom line I was not willing to pay for a hotel room but I did want to help him stay warm and so I got him the sleeping bag. I will not let him live at home because he would then continue his drug use and my guess is if we had let him do that, he could be dead by now from it..... and my daughter would have had to live with the trauma of watching his really bad behavior to all of us. I might have put up with it myself but had to protect her too.
Anyway those are some random thoughts on the subject. Those of you who dont like the idea of tough love or detachment, I am wondering what your definitions are.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app